1 bullet, 2 ADA
by GraeLeigh3
Summary: My take as how episode Ghost 6x16 could have ended. Centered around ADA Novak and Detective Benson. Please don't hesitate to read & review! :
1. Chapter 1

**Timeline  
**Alternate ending for episode "Ghost", 6x16.  
Takes place 16 months after Casey Novak joined SVU (her first appearance in Serendipity is dated 8 October; trial in Ghost where Alexandra Cabot comes back to testify takes place on 17 February, 4 months seems too short for over a season in SVU)

**Author's note**  
Yet another story I couldn't get out of my head. Ever since I watched this episode, this storyline has been running into my head. Therefore, I thought I might as well share it.  
It's in progress and so far is 129 pages long. So that'd keep us busy for a couple weeks :)  
As usual, reviews, ideas, good or bad, warmly welcomed.

For this story to make sense, I need the readers to assume a few things:  
-"Ghost" (6x16) took place two months after "Night" (6x20), instead of the other way around,  
-"Influence" (7x22) already took place.

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
17 February - 4:15 pm_

- "What the fuck is wrong with you?!", she shouted in her face, her tone razor sharp.

Alexandra Cabot was taken aback by Olivia Benson harsh words and even more upset by her attitude towards her only.  
Never in their working relationship had she seen the Detective that upset.  
Squaring her shoulder, she took a step forward, returning the angry glare.

- "What are you barking about?", replied the blonde on the same malicious tone.  
- "That!", she yelled pointing towards the ER two ways doors.  
- "And just what are you implying Detective?"  
- "You know full well what I imply, ex Counselor Cabot!"  
- "I sure as hell don't! Don't hold me responsible Detective; security was not in my care!"  
- "But making Liam Connors tick certainly was! You agitated a red wrap right under his nose!"

Olivia saw realisation cross the blonde's features, finally she was seeing it, that all this mess was her fault only. But it was gone in a flash.

Fuelled by anger and fear, she didn't step back, invading Alex's personal space even more.

- "Get it now? You did a great job Alexandra Cabot by getting her killed!"  
- "She's not dead!"  
- "Oh that's right but her chances are quite low."  
-"No one asked her to play the hero!"  
-"She fucking saved your sorry ass! And it's all because of you!"  
- "It is not!"  
- "Oh yeah? And whose life is on the line right now? Yours or hers? Who's fighting to stay alive here?"  
- "Casey certainly is; and so have I been, for the last 18 months!"  
- "You were shot in the shoulder and played dead, this is different!"  
- "But I was the target here Olivia", she countered angrily.  
- "Yes because you were so damn stubborn back then to just back off. Now you are even more by not taking responsibility!"  
- "Oh I'm sorry Miss Perfect for being the target of Colombian drugs' dealers"  
- "You were because you chose to!"  
- "I chose nothing! I was just doing my job!"  
- "That's not true; you wanted to nail the guy that's all. Another one of your political goose chase! Everything you ever did was political!"  
- "Because you think my replacement is any different?"  
- "She is different, she wants justice for the victims"  
- "My poor Olivia, you can be so naïve at times, she's exactly like me"  
- "Like hell she's not! She cares about the victims"  
-"That's what she makes you believe. She's without doubt not the right person to handle my job! I heard about her long before she took my job. The shallow, insecure, incompetent Ice Queen from Felonies"  
- "How dare you? You only met her! Her convictions' rate is as good as yours! You …", Olivia wanted to respond but her voice caught in a suddenly very dry throat.

Elliot decided it was the right time to step in before both women strangled each other. Stepping between them, he laid a hand on each woman's shoulder, squeezing firmly, making sure he had their full attention. As an ex marine he didn't wish to be some kind of collateral damage if they took this into wrestling.

Short of breath, both women stopped in their quarrel, turning their icy glares towards him instead.

- "Ladies, all this won't get you anywhere. Liam Connors is the only responsible for this situation. This useless argument stops right here", he stated very matter of factly.  
- "You know what Alex? You disgust me", whispered Olivia, tears welling in her eyes.

She couldn't believe what she was hearing from Alex. Not only was she bashing about Casey, but she didn't even acknowledge that she just saved her life!

Spotting a deserted chair, she lowered herself wearily in it, not caring what the rest of the group was up to.  
Pinching the bridge of her nose tightly, she sighed heavily, prying for some tension to leave her aching body. She was sore all over, not physically but emotionally drained.

The shooting in the courthouse had taken a lot on them, on all of them.  
When they went after a perp they could expect some resistance, but in this case they didn't. None of them did. None of them could expect that; not with all the marshals, cops, security officers gathered in the courtroom.

But yet it happened: Liam Connors grabbed the gun from the cop who tried to restrain him and aimed it at Alexandra Cabot, the woman he failed to kill sixteen months ago. The woman who belittled him with the accusations she yelled at him a minute ago.  
But somehow, she'd seen it and she shielded her.

Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak took a bullet meant for Alexandra Cabot, and she might not come out of it alive.

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_To be continued ... _


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**1 bullet, 2 A.D.A.  
Disclaimer & Co: please see chapter 1.  
I almost forgot: they are not mine ... lol ... I promise to give them back unhurt but much happier wink  
Thank you to all readers and reviewers, reviews are my personal fuel :)

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
__17 February – 04:50 pm_

The Doctor's speech a couple minutes ago was going over and over in Olivia's aching head.

- "Doctor, how is she?", asked Olivia the second a Doctor approached their group.  
- "Her condition is critic", he replied with a voice blank of any emotion. "We keep her in ER, and will transfer her to surgery once she is stabilized. We did succeed to stop the haemorrhage but right now she is too weak to stand any kind of surgery, the blood loss important. I'll let you know once we are ready to transfer her"  
- "Will she make it?"  
- "There is a good chance", he replied slightly embarrassed "I'd rather reserve my diagnostic until she went through further exams".

He was about to leave when he asked them:  
- "Is she French native?"  
- "No, why?"  
- "She keeps murmuring _lit_, or something close, over and over again. _Lit_ is the french word for bed… but it doesn't make sense", he stated doubtful looking around the group.

The small group looked at each other, unsure of the meaning of Casey's words, until it hit Olivia:  
- "Must be me", she said in a low voice.  
- "What do you mean?"  
- "My name is Olivia, Liv in short. Everyone calls me Liv", she explained.  
- "Oh… well that would make sense", he admitted before turning on his heels and leaving the waiting area.

Now standing in the middle of the waiting room, looking around, she was not really seeing anything. She felt dizzy, like nothing was real. Like she would wake up from this nightmare anytime.

- "I want to see her", she whispered.  
- "Doctor said he will come see us once he had news, we have to wait", Captain Cragen responded.  
- "No, I have to see her now!", she yelled back, running towards the ER's door.

Flashing her badge, since she was a cop, the security officer let her in.

Running down the endless corridor she checked every room until her eyes fell on Casey.  
There were at least six people gathered around her, securing a large bandage around her waist, discarding her with the rest of her clothes, checking her vitals, writing on a chart, all speaking in hushed voice.  
Casey was barely covered by a green sheet, soiled with red stains, her bloody clothes thrown carelessly onto the floor next to ten or so of bloody compress.

She stood there a couple minutes, clearly in shock.  
When the people gathered around her left, that took her out of her dreamy state.

Reaching the bed, she was relieved to see the monitors surrounding her beeping, signalling there was heart and brain activity. But a quick glance told her that it wasn't so good, her vitals were pretty low.

- "God, Baby", she breathed, on impulse, she bent to kiss the young woman's forehead.

Casey Novak stirred when feeling something wet touching her skin.  
Disoriented, she couldn't open her eyes and she shouted as a huge pain pierced her body when she tried to move.  
- "Shh Casey don't move", said someone next to her.  
- "L…Liv?"  
- "I'm here Casey. Don't try to move", she pleaded, grasping Casey's hand in hers.  
- "Hu…hurt", she could barely speak.  
- "I know. It's ok honey", she whispered, caressing Casey's forehead.

She remained silence, not wishing to disturb Casey who seemed rather calm. She had no idea if she was totally conscious of her surrounding, but her heart beat was rather fast, in total counterpart of her blood pressure.

She was so lost in studying Casey's features that she didn't notice the Doctor entering the room, until he coughed lightly to make his presence known.  
- "You shouldn't be here Detective. I said I'll keep you updated", he said, with a hint of reproach in his voice.  
- "I know, but I had to see her", she whispered.  
- "No need to whisper, she can't hear us"  
- "She talked to me", she said as if it could explain it all.  
- "She's under very heavy medication; she keeps drifting on and off. She's barely conscious of her surrounding, of herself", he explained gently.  
- "Is she in pain?", she asked, not so sure she'd like the answer.  
- "Morphine makes it bearable", he reassured her.  
- "That's good", she said turning her attention back to Casey's still form.  
- "I can't allow you to stay long", he reminded her gently.  
- "I know, just a moment more?", she pleaded with tears in her eyes.  
- "Ok", then to the nurse "Susan will help you out in a couple minutes. I need her to rest before we move her to surgery".

Behind her, a nurse taped on her shoulder, showing her the chair she just brought for her to sit on. Olivia gave her a grateful smile as she lowered herself in it, not breaking the contact with Casey.

Minutes later, just as she stood to leave, the alarm went off on the monitor.  
Olivia's eyes widened, she grasped Casey's hand tighter just as the nurse grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her from the bed, towards the door.

- "Casey!", Olivia yelled, refusing to leave the room.  
- "Detective, I'll ask you to leave", she said before focusing her attention on the monitor.  
- "We are loosing her", she told the Doctor and the couple of white blouses that entered the room.  
- "Detective, you can't stay here", she tried again to get Olivia to leave the room.  
- "I'm not going anywhere!", she responded, pinning the nurse with a icy glare.  
- "Fine, just don't hamper our work", she advised.

Olivia stepped aside until she was standing at the foot of the bed, that way she wasn't perturbing their work in any way.  
On the monitor, alarms flashed in red glow, ugly "0" both on blood pressure and heartbeat.

Her attention returned to Casey when she saw her body tense and convulse, hands reaching up blindly for her throat, scratching herself, back arched. From ghostly white, her skin was now crimson.

Olivia's strangled yell died in her throat as nurses tried to overpower the young woman trashing in bed, eyes protruding, arms and legs flying, kicking the medical staff in the process. The sheet, which was barely covering her now, threatening to fall completely, revealing a perfectly shaped body.

- "Damn it!", cursed the Doctor as he grabbed the nearby phone.

Pushing a couple buttons at light speed, he yelled "get us stretcher bearers in room 4 right away. Patient in respiratory distress we can't overpower!" before smashing the phone back in place.

- "Detective, grab her feet!", he instructed her as he grabbed her head in his hands, trying to keep her still.  
- "Mrs Novak! What's her first name?", he asked without looking at Olivia.  
- "Casey", Olivia breathed, surprised that her ability to speak was back.  
- "Casey!", he shouted a couple times, trying to get Casey's attention, his face right above hers, only a couple inches apart.  
"Casey! I know you are in pain but you have to stop fighting us, we have to put a tube into your throat so you can breath".

From her position at the foot of the bed, holding Casey's feet in an iron grip, sure it will leave deep bruises on her creamy skin, Olivia could see her turn grey from the lack of oxygen.

After a minute or so of hard fight and with the help of the stretcher-bearers, the Doctor could finally re oxygen the young woman. However, a trachea was compulsory given Casey's previous state close to hysteria and the blood filling her throat.

Olivia almost fainted at the sight of Casey's throat being cut open.  
She had to lean on the bed for support.  
As she felt her legs ready to abandon her, the nurse guided her gently to sit back on the chair. Minutes later, she re appeared with a glass of water in hands.  
She smiled her thanks, not trusting her voice.  
- "It's always hard the first time", she told her, smiling down at her.  
"Don't worry, your friend is in good hands, she will be fine", she assured her before moving to clean the mess and straighten the sheet over Casey's sweating body.

She was allowed to stay some more in the room, which she was grateful for, she honestly didn't think her body would carry her very far.

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_So what to you say?? ... should I continue ? ..._


	3. Chapter 3

Woohooo your reviews make me so happy! I couldn't let you like this, and I'm pretty eager to read you about it.  
So here is chapter 3.  
Enjoy, and review :)  
Disclaimer: see chapter 1

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
__17 February -10:37 pm_

The rain had long stopped outside but there was still a storm going in Olivia Benson's head.  
The images were burnt into her photographic memory. A blessing most of the time in her job, it was a curse today.  
A curse that would last long whatever would be the issue for Casey Novak.

If she were honest with herself, she was as responsible as Alexandra Cabot for her current condition. Sure she was not the one who made Liam Connors 'tick' and even less shoot her, but she was the one who brought the ex ADA a file full of ammunitions to trigger his fury. To make the jury see him like he really was.  
And it worked, Alex Cabot had always been a great prosecutor, Liam Connors didn't stand much chance once she had this plan in mind.  
If only she had trusted Casey Novak in the first place, she'd have talked to her about "Alexandra Cabot's death". That'd have meant breaking a promise but she wouldn't be in this mess: an ADA in witness protection jeopardized and an ADA dying.

- "God Casey, what have I done?" she whispered, tears running down her cheeks, hugging herself.

The truth was that she wasn't used to trust people. She trusted the members of the squad to back her up, Elliot Stabler as her best friend and longest partner, but outside this circle, she hardly trusted anyone.

It had been rough at times but they eventually became friends with Alexandra Cabot. After her "death", she had a very hard time accepting Casey Novak; no easy to welcome her replacement when she knew Alex was hiding somewhere under witness protection. That someday she'd eventually be back.  
- "Who the hell are you?" were her first words to her. Not exactly a warm "welcome onboard". But she had worked hard to fit in the live victims' scenario and she was ok. Sure there were still a couple things she needed to learn but mostly she was ok.

She had learned from office's gossips that after her first case, she begged Arthur Branch to take her out of SVU. Thank God he didn't listen.  
"Like he ever listened to anyone", she smirked at that thought.

She wasn't close to Casey Novak as she used to be to Alexandra Cabot but there was still a certain amount of trust and respect between them. It was necessary in their field. But revealing even a small part of the truth about Alex Cabot's condition would have meant crossing one hell of a line. So she, they with Elliot, hadn't and here there were: 2 am in New York Mercy Hospital waiting for news about the current ADA.

When she had been brought in, the Doctor seemed quite confident.  
Indeed she had lost consciousness on the site, thus not responsive, but it didn't seem like the bullet hit any vital organ.  
They were concerned about the way she fell, if she hit her head on the nearby tables she collapsed between. Olivia thought not but they made sure with Xray. After all, the courtroom had been quite a mess from the moment the shot rang and Casey Novak was wheeled out of the court house.

But it has been 3 hours since she was transferred to surgery, 5 hours after her convulsion; she was still waiting for news, and afraid their first diagnostic wouldn't be so accurate.

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_To be continued... I promise chapter 4, much longer, is only a couple reviews away :D_


	4. Chapter 4

I so love reading reviews first thing in the morning :D  
So here is chatper 4 which, I believe, should answer a couple of your questions.  
Enjoy!

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
__18 February - 06:03 pm_

Olivia Benson had spent the last fifteen hours in Casey's room, keeping vigil by her bedside.  
The others gone a long time ago. They stil had jobs to handle, investigations to lead. She did stay herself although she didn't request Cragen's autorisation. Maybe he felt it would have been useless to ask her to leave; that by forcing her he could well have had her badge and gun in his hands in no time. She promised to keep them informed if anything major happened. Hopefully there shouldn't be anything like that.

Casey has still not stirred, she was perfectly still and quiet in her bed, machines monitoring her condition, tube in her throat, IV at the back of her hand linked to bags of fluids of different uses, and all the equipment under her bed which she couldn't see. All these you'd never see in those movies and tv shows which kept blossoming on tv these days. Heroes would just be back on their feet in record time. Like that could happen in real life. Like that would happen to Casey.  
She played hero yesterday but that wouldn't make it to the 8 o'clock headlines. That wasn't so important.

All colours gone from her face and without make up, she was as pale as a ghost.  
She smirked at her own choice of words, the little voice of a scared Antonio Montoya filling her head.

She looked peaceful and the Doctor warned her that she'd out of it for hours more. She offered her to go home and have the nurse page her in case of emergency but she refused. She felt like she had to stay here.  
The marshals had taken Alex back to a safe house and since Liam Connors was dead, her presence wasn't necessary anymore. She doubted she'd ever see her again. Now that it was public knowledge that she was alive, the us marshals would need to be even more careful in hiding her. Velez now knew that she was alive somewhere.

But the good news would be for the little boy, Antonio, with Liam Connors dead, he wouldn't need to be stashed into witness protection at this young age, which was without doubt for the best.  
She didn't want to see him 10 years from now, bitter and full of anger, behind bars.  
So this was good.  
In the end, what did they gain? Much more than what they bargained for when all this started, but the one who tried to do the most paid the highest price.

Casey Novak wanted justice for Antonio, his family, and the ADA who went before her, and she ended up giving her life for them.

Shrugging out of her leather jacket, she draped it across the back of the chair. It was getting hotter in here as the day vanished. The hospital surely increasing the heat in order to overbalance the rising coldness outside.  
Dragging her chair closer to the bed, she slipped her hand in Casey's warm one, her thumb caressing the back of her hand in a smoothing gesture.  
She had no idea if she could feel it but she hoped she did. She didn't want her to feel all alone, not after what she had done the day before.  
If she hadn't taken the bullet, Alexandra Cabot would certainly not have been Liam Connors's only victim. The cop's gun stored at least 6 bullets, if not 8. The judge, the honourable Loïs Preston, the ADA, the marshals, even Elliot and herself, could have been his next targets. All he seeked was revenge.  
But the surprise caused by Casey's interference was enough to give time to the marshals to take action. A bullet in Connor's head did the trick. His lawyer hadn't had time to stand before all this started. Now he was sitting with his client sprawled dead next to him.  
Guess that's not the issue he was expecting from this trial.  
Lethal injection in 10 years yes, but like this, no way.

All seemed to happen in slow motion.  
One minute, the judge allowed Alexandra Cabot to step down.  
The next, she was walking confidently between the defendant and prosecutor's tables. The wink she gave Liam Connors fuelled his fury once more.  
Standing, yelling at her, he grabbed the gun in the holster of the nearby cop and shot.  
When a second gunshot rang and Liam Connors fell forward on his desk, next to his lawyer clearly in shock, their eyes fell on a heap of bodies on the floor, Casey Novak sprawled out on Alexandra Cabot, her back bleeding.

As the court officers went to evacuate the room and hurry the jury to safety, Olivia ran towards them, kneeling by their side. Searching for a pulse on Casey's neck, she met Alexandra terrified look. She was trapped below the unconscious red hair, unable to break free.  
Not sure if it was safe to move the younger ADA, Olivia Benson pleaded with Alex to remain calm.  
-"Alex, are you hurt?", she inquired.  
-"No I'm not…just get me out of here!", she screamed, tears running down her cheeks, her eyes darting furiously from Olivia to Casey.  
-"Alex, you have to stay calm. You'll be free in a minute, it's gonna be alright".  
-"No it's... now Olivia, please help me!".  
-"Alex, you have to stay calm", she repeated sternly, restraining her as best she could with a hand on her shoulder.

Realising Alexandra wouldn't obey long, Olivia shouted at Elliot over her shoulder to give her a hand.  
Both kneeling, they freed Alex; Olivia disentangling them by carrying Casey a few steps away.  
Once free, Alex Cabot sat before retreating till her back rested against the barrier separating the court and the public.  
Immediately all marshals gathered around her, guns drawn.

Rolling Casey over, hoping that it wouldn't worsen her condition, they saw that the bullet went through her torso, she was bleeding profusely on both sides. Shrugging out of her leather jacket, she draped it over Casey's body.  
Kneeling by her head, brushing the hair off her face, she made sure it wasn't turned to the side so she could breathe, a hand reaching under the clothes to slow the bleeding on her torso.  
Caressing her cheek with the back of her other hand, she whispered smoothing words, very much the same she addressed Alex Cabot a year back on a deserted sidewalk.

Gazing over where Alex was sitting, Olivia saw that the front of her shirt was soaked with blood, Casey's blood. But she although saw a wound on her upper arm, totally unnoticed by her; she was clearly in shock.

Following her gaze, Elliot went to Alex, and crouched in front of her. Raising her chin to meet his eyes, he whispered something she didn't get, but she was sure that Alex would be fine, only a flesh wound, nothing life threatening. Again.

Returning her attention to Casey, Elliot and Alex joined her shortly after, kneeling opposite her.  
When Casey's eyes opened a crack and fell on them, she gave her the most reassuring smile she could manage given the circumstances.  
-"Hey sweetheart"  
-"Liv?"

Olivia only nodded, not wishing for Casey to waste her strength by talking.

But the younger woman went on.  
-"A…Alex?"  
-"I'm here Casey, I'm fine", Alex managed to smile, her hand reaching for Casey's, squeezing softly.  
-"I'm sorry…so sorry", she went on, her gaze holding Alex's.  
-"Shh Casey, stop talking", Olivia pleaded with her, not liking the way she wheezed. Her hand went to caress her forehead slowly.  
-"You were right, I…was…wasn't ready".

Olivia was about to respond when she heard Alex gasp before a bloody hand shot up to cover her mouth, shocked.  
-"God Casey no! I was not….that's not what I meant! I…"  
-"A…I was not…good enough…ever…I'm so…rry"

Olivia addressed a silent question towards Alex who could only shrug. She returned her attention towards Casey when she went on.  
-"You're…ba…back where…you be…belong", her eyes now fixed on Olivia.

Her attempt at a smile failed as her face contorted with pain. Then her eyes closed, a single tear rising at the corner of her eye before running down her pale cheek.

The EMT attached to the courthouse entered the room a few minutes later.  
They couldn't get in before the area was declared secure by the court officers.

Once they had her patched up, they radioed instructions to New York Mercy Hospital, "Here is NYC courthouse medical team. There had been gunshots. We have one seriously wounded woman: late twenties, bullet went right through her torso, massive blood loss, laborious breathing. We can't wait for a bus, we are bringing her in. We request a surgeon at the ready".

Olivia grit her teeth at their words, Casey had indeed lost quite an amount of blood.  
Thankfully, they didn't object when she leapt into the ambulance with Casey, Elliot going with Alex and her marshals' escort.

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_You know I live for reviews ... :)_


	5. Chapter 5

:D --- that's me grinning happily when reading your reviews. Thank you so much, I hope you'll still like the fic.

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
__19 February - 09:16 pm_

Detective Olivia Benson was busy completing Casey's admittance form when a familiar figure appeared out of the corner of the corridor.  
Puzzled, she dropped the pen on top of the file on the nurse's counter and went to greet the visitor.

They shared a quick hug before they sat side by side on the nearby seats.

-"What are you doing here?", Olivia finally asked, she hadn't expected her visit.  
-"John told me what happened. I came to see if there is anything I can do"  
-"Thank you, she'll appreciate it. Who's in charge there?", she queried.  
-"Tony", she whispered.  
-"Isn't he on vacation?"  
-"He was until I called him. That's why I couldn't come earlier, I had to make sure someone would handle the job"  
-"I'm not sure he was so happy about it"  
-"Don't be. He was bored out of his mind over there. He gladly accepted to come back to New York"  
-"That's nice from him"

-"So", she asked laying a hand on Olivia's shoulder "how is she doing?"  
-"Still unconscious", she said in a low voice, sighing.  
-"Olivia, stop worrying. What do the doctor say. Are they worried?"  
-"They aren't saying much in fact. But they don't look worried from what I gathered. Their main concern is the low level of oxygen in her blood and a couple unusual things that showed up in her blood tests. Other than that, I don't know much", she admitted.  
-"Well considering how stressful her job is, it's not that alarming. And her ordeal with Zelgrin happened only two months ago. The body needs to adjust to a second brutal attack in a rather short time", she explained calmly.  
-"But why hasn't she woken up yet. It's been over two days now!", she exclaimed a little too harshly, standing.  
"She's been shot but why is she still unconscious if her condition isn't life threatening?!", she snapped.  
-"You're worried they are hiding something from you", the dark haired woman said, voicing Olivia's fears.  
-"Yes", Olivia admitted sadly  
"I'm afraid they are not telling me the truth. You know, since I'm not family", she added, returning to sit by the medical examiner.  
-"John said she asked for you while in ER?"  
-"Yes. Well, I mean, I think she did", she whispered as she ran a hand through her hair.  
-"From what he told me it's very likely. You're the last person she saw before passing out"  
-"That's right"  
-"What about her family?", she asked, looking around the corridor trying to see if any person present was related to the young redhead.  
-"I… I haven't contacted them yet. I checked her cell phone but there was nothing in it, justw ork related numbers"  
-"Weird. In mine I at least have my husband's, and the kid's nurse. Plus lots from work of course", she said outloud.  
-"I know, I know. It puzzles me too. I didn't know since the last time we filled her admission's form together when she regained conscious a few hours later."  
-"That's what you were doing when I arrived", she stated, pointing at the abandoned chart with her chin.  
-"Yeah… I mean I filled as much as I could", she said before being interrupted by the doctor's arrival.

-"Detective?", he greeted her as they rose from their seats.  
-"Doctor. How is Casey?", she asked nervously, thankful when she felt Melinda's hand lay on her shoulder in a comforting gesture.  
-"She is awake", he told them with a broad smile.  
"Your friend is definitively out of danger, she will be fine", he added, happy to give her good news. He had truly feared for the young woman. He still did but he couldn't tell her friend, medical privilege between doctor and patient.  
-"Can… can we see her?", Olivia breathed.  
-"Of course, there is nothing against you keeping her company now that she's awake. Just don't worry if she dozes on and off, she's still pretty weak"  
-"Thank you Doctor", Olivia thanked him as she shook her hand.  
-"My pleasure Detective"

When they reached her room's door, Melinda Warner didn't follow the Detective in. She just stood on the threshold, watching Olivia bend by the bed and kiss the young woman's cheek. Eyes half closed, she was surrounded by numerous machines, she might be pretty weak but still, she caught sight of her and waved at her as much as her state allowed her.

Coming in, Melinda stood beside Olivia, grabbing Casey's hand.  
-"I'm not staying long Casey, just wanted to make it sure you were ok", she said in a whisper.  
"You rest now", she added squeezing the young woman's hand

When she left a couple minutes later, the ADA was back in Morpheus' arms.

_  
A couple hours later_

Olivia was dozing off, her head resting on the mattress by Casey's hand, which was still safely enclosed in hers.

When the door opened behind her, she expected to see a nurse, but certainly not Casey's surgeon. They entered the room noiselessly, talking in shushed voices, lost in the study of her file and barely greeted her. She knew Doctor Hanson since she was the one who operated Casey but the other was a mystery. Middle age man with grey temples, he looked like her math's teacher in high school. Not quite as tall, but he certainly looked like some scientist.

They talked in hushed voices pointing at her file, checking her vitals, until Doctor Hanson went to her side and requested to talk to her in private.

Standing, she joined her behind the curtain and was more than surprised by her question:

-"Detective Benson, did you reach her family?"  
-"No, her father is somewhere in South Africa and I don't have her brothers' first names".  
-"Detective Benson, if you have any way to reach any of them, now would be a right time".  
-"Doctor? Is Casey ok?"  
-"Detective I can't discuss Mrs Novak's condition with you"  
-"But I'm her friend and in charge of the investigation"  
-"Detective, as far as the shooting is concerned, your friend will be fine."  
-"As far as the shooting is concerned? Anything I should know?"  
-"Detective Benson, I understand you are worried but there are informations about patients I can't reveal to people outside of their family", she whispered like she was talking to a 5 years old.  
-"Doctor? What is it?"  
-"Now", she insisted before leaving the room, the other doctor on tow.

Olivia stood there baffed, unsure of what she should understand.

-----

_To be continued ..._


	6. Chapter 6

:D :D -- that's me still grinning, thank you so much for keeping up with the fic, and me.

And I apologize in advance but you won't know before a couple chapter what is wrong with our favorite ADA. But I couldn't change the order of the chapters. I promise many more chapters to come in that mammoth fic! lol  
Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing, that truely means a lot, and helps as well :)

Now enough babbling, on with the story :D

-------

_Casey Novak's apartment  
__21 February -07:18 am_

Detective Olivia Benson had a very hard time processing what she was reading. She kept reading the lines over and over but none made sense, they couldn't make sense. Or maybe they were giving a sense to Casey's actions and behaviour lately.  
But still, that just couldn't be!

She was standing in Casey's living room, a thick hospital folder in hand.  
She didn't intend to go through her personal stuff but when searching for some cds and books to bring to Casey at the hospital, she found this on her desk.  
She took a pick although she knew it was wrong, but she just couldn't help herself. She was a Detective and curiosity was certainly a plus in her job.  
Moreover, Doctor Hanson's words had been running through her head for the last 24 hours and she felt that this folder might detain some answers.

And now, feeling her heart contract in her chest, she had to decide what to make of it. She could act as if she hasn't seen it, or she could confront the young woman.  
First way seemed the most appropriate since they weren't even close friends but the mere thought of acting like this made her want to throw up.  
She wasn't a coward, and if Casey was by refusing to see the situation, she'd make her see.

When she returned to the hospital three hours later, she couldn't enter Casey's room right away; it was time for her cares. She was somehow relieved; it would give her extra time to decide what to do.

On her way back from Casey's place, pictures of all the moments she shared with Casey ever since she joined SVU unfolding in front of her eyes.  
Surely the most painful being a little over two months ago when she found her beaten up in her own office. And now the way Casey has been acting ever since made sense. How she didn't fight tooth and nail when Arthur Branch would hand some of her cases to ADA Tracey Kibre. Did they know? Did only Arthur know? Or was Casey so good at manipulating people that she was cleaning her records without anyone noticing?

She smirked at Casey's attitude towards her own lack of trust ("We work together, you should have trusted me"), but she did exactly the same, in a much more serious way.  
They might have been with Elliot facing the young ADA but it was at her only she was glaring when saying those words.

She began to wonder if she had acted more friendly towards Casey, things would be any different now.

It was hard to be treated like a rookie, they all suffered from it when entering the unit, but they did it to her just the same. Sure her showing up at the crime scene on her first case was a surprise, she was arrogant to say the last, but it still took them all time to get used to her. There was nothing wrong with her; she was just trying to do her job. Just like they all did, like Alex did.

- "My God Alex", she gasped, her outburst two days ago coming back to her mind.

She's been so out of the line with the ex ADA, she threw all her anger, her fears at her. Thankfully Elliot stepped between them before the things went any worse, and looking back, she knew she would have ended up slapping her.  
They both said mean things to each other, and she was the one only to blame, she started it. Alex had just been standing there, motionless, rubbing her wounded arm, eyes lost in thought. DEA Agent Hammond standing by her side, clearly pissed that she refused to leave before knowing if Casey Novak would make it.

She didn't know why she lashed it on her like that, she really had no reason.  
Or maybe she did.  
Something Casey whispered when she regained consciousness in the courtroom. Something she told Alex. And if Alex's reaction was any indication, she really knew what it was all about.

------

_To be continued ... :p_


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry for the lack of update, this chapter was missing and I suffered from a nasty writer's block. Guess my muse is back for now.  
Thank you for all the wonderful reviews, and for sticking to this fic. I promise it will get better ;)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_New York Mercy Hospital  
21 February - 04:21 pm_

In the end, Detective Benson didn't talk about her finding to the young woman.  
Upon arriving at the hospital, Casey was sound asleep, so she just stored the overnight bag she packed at her place with a couple clothes, cd's and cd player in the closet and went to sit by the window.

Eyeing the activity in the park below, she was still debating whether she should confront her, and if so, then when, and how to broach the subject, when there was a soft knock on Casey's hospital door.

Casey has been asleep for the past hours so Olivia rose from her chair by the window and went to open the door. Hoping it wouldn't wake the young woman up.  
Glancing over her shoulder, she saw that she hadn't moved, hopefully she didn't hear the noise and would not wake up. Whoever was behind this door would have to come back later.

Its opening revealed the entire SVU team.  
Captain Cragen leading the group with a large roses' bouquet in hands. Behind him, each member of the team was carrying a smaller one, each of different color. Olivia couldn't help but giggle at the display, especially when John Munch entered, carrying a bouquet of white roses in one hand and a Mets' teddy bear in the other. Leave it to NY's finest to demark himself like this.

Grinning she moved to the side, a finger over her lips, showing them that the young ADA was asleep. Or so she thought. When meeting the Captain's questioning look, she turned around and saw Casey struggling to sit up, clenching the hospital blanket to her chest. Moving to her side, she gave her a hand, as they all gathered closer around the bed.

Soon every empty space in the room was flowered and the teddy bear cradled between Casey's arm and chest.

- "We just stopped by to see you were alright Counselor, you gave us quite a scare", Cragen explained as he came closer and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.  
- "Thank you", Casey answered, voice caught in her throat, cheeks turning a light shade of red.

Glancing up she met Liv's look. A look that, to say the least, unsettled her.  
The young woman was standing a couple feet away, leaning against the window, arms crossed over her chest, eyeing her with a hint of reproach in her brown eyes.

All the sudden uncomfortable under the Detective's eyes, she coughed lightly, which they all, thankfully, took as a hint to leave.  
- "We should go Counselor, you do need to rest", Cragen whispered voicing everyone's thoughts in the room.

They bid their goodbyes and left the room, Liv following them outside.

Left alone, Casey couldn't get Liv's look out of her mind. What was wrong with her?  
She's been very present since the shooting, Casey remembered vaguely her being there every time she woke up, pretty sure she was still here when she was asleep.

Then why the look? She certainly didn't ask her to keep vigile by her bedside. Sure, she was greatful for it, she always hated hospitals, but there was all of a sudden a gap between the Detective's actions and her behaviour a couple minutes ago. She would have understood if she went very protective and asked the team to come back later but the look of reproach was aimed at her, not her visitors.

Glancing around the room, she noticed the closet by the door slightly opened and couldn't help but gasp, her overnight bag was sitting there.  
She couldn't mistake it for any other, it couldn't be Liv's, hers was night blue with a big white French tag "souvenirs de Paris" written across both sides, a memory from the trip she made to Paris a couple years ago, right after Charlie's moved out. When she so needed a change of air.

So Liv had been to her place, no doubt about it, and to pack her a couple of changes.  
Casey Novak was all of the sudden very anxious that the Detective went to her place. Thanks to her drugs' induced brain, she couldn't point out why but it seemed very important.

Racking her brain, trying hard to remember in what state her place had been that day, trying hard to put two and two together, her thoughts were interrupted by Liv's return. Without a word, she reached her side and helped her lye back on the bed.

Casey thought about asking her about her bag but something in Liv's eyes when they made contact held her back. There was not only reproach in them, but although a hint of fear, and anger.

Physically exhausted, she let sleep engulfs her, her last coherent thought being that Detective Olivia Benson knew…

_So, what you think?? :)_


	8. Chapter 8

Hmmm I love reviews first thing in the morning :D  
This one for the Alex' fan, so she's out of the picture... what can I say, I'm a Casey's fan grin

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_New York Mercy Hospital  
22 February - 02:35 pm_

Olivia was taking some fresh air in the park at the back of the hospital when she saw a couple of black suited men invade the sidewalk, clearly securing the area.

For a second, she wondered what this fuss was all about, the next she decided she didn't care. Her mind was already full, no need to bother about something that didn't concern her.  
But when Agent Hammond walked towards her, with a pissed off and deadly look in his eyes, she had no other choice than feel concerned.  
Without a word, he took her by the elbow and led her towards a black SUV with tinted glasses. All too familiar, a strong feeling of _déjà vu_.

Sure thing, the back door opened revealing the familiar figure of Alexandra Cabot.

Speechless, Olivia didn't know what to say. This morning she was thinking as how out of the line she had been with the young woman, how she could apology if she were given the opportunity, now she was face to face with her. And with the surprise, the words of apologies that ran in her head a couple hours back flew right out of the window the second the door opened.

- "Olivia", Alex whispered after a moment of studying the Detective's features.

She looked tense, surprised, but above all, she was dead tired.

When Olivia didn't respond, she explained.

- "I… I couldn't leave things as they stood Olivia, I had to see you"

Olivia only shrugged so she went on.

- "Olivia, all this mess is my fault. I… I… Casey is in this situation because of me", she stopped in her sentence, unsure as how to explain herself.

Thankfully Olivia went to her rescue, well in her own way. She had to know.  
- "What did you tell her?", she queried not very gently.  
- "I… I questioned her strategy"  
- "You what?"  
- "After Antonio left, she said that we didn't have to go through my testimony again, that I was ready"  
- "I don't understand…"  
- "I asked her if **she** was ready"  
- "How could you?! Casey is perfectly capable to handle her job!"  
- "Olivia, you have to understand, it is not easy to be in that situation. I…"  
- "And you think it was easy for her? She was ready to nail Liam Connors for your murder and out of the blue, you show up at her doorstep. She's the one whose trust in her colleagues was shattered! We lied in her face for over a year!"  
- "Olivia… I…"  
- "No wonder she said she wasn't good enough. A ghost comes back alive and questions how she does her work. And yet she saved your life", Olivia calmed down a little bit, her outburst rising sceptical looks around.  
- "Yes she did and I'll be forever grateful for that. She saved my life although I didn't deserve it. She paid the consequences of my actions. And I… I'm very sorry for it".  
- "You're damn right to be"  
- "Olivia", she pleaded, laying a hand on Olivia's arm, "I'm sorry, you have to believe me. That bullet was meant for me; I should be in that hospital bed, not Casey. She… I mean she…I acted like a territorial bitch towards her but she saved my life just the same"  
- "She wanted to bring justice to you, to Antonio and his parents"  
- "I know that now Olivia and I'm sorry I snapped at you at the hospital. I… guess I wasn't ready to face the fact that I was responsible of her injury. How… how is she?"

Olivia looked up at Alex tearful face, feeling sorry for her. Her remorse seemed sincere.

- "She will be fine", she lied, putting her best poker face on.  
- "What about her… the Doctor was concerned about her physical condition…"  
- "Well she just got shot so…", she joked, trying to sidetrack the conversation.  
- "So it's okay?"  
- "Yes it's okay. Just something that showed in her blood test. Nothing unusual with her stressful job", she lied again.  
- "I'm glad"

They were interrupted by Agent Hammonds' arrival. So far he left them space by standing a few feet away.

- "It's time to go, the area is not safe, our presence raising too much attention", he stated very matter of factly, giving Alex a hard look.  
- "Ok", both women whispered in unison.  
- "Olivia, you can't imagine how sorry I am. Please give Casey my sincere apologies and my get well wishes"  
- "Why didn't you come up her room and tell her? She's awake. Well sometimes"  
- "I… it is not my place Liv, I put her there, I couldn't face her. Please, can you tell her?"  
- "I will, don't worry. I just feel it would have meant more if it were you instead of me"  
- "You are probably right but it's.."  
- "… too much, yes I heard you"  
- "She is a good person and a good prosecutor, I'm sorry if I made her feel like she wasn't"  
- "Well the situation was easy for no one"  
- "Maybe, but that doesn't excuse my behaviour. She's SVU's ADA now, I guess I wasn't accepting she took my job, and my friends"  
- "Alex, once all this is over you will…"  
- "Olivia, don't", she said squeezing Olivia's arm "Once it's safe to come back, we will see where things stand but I know you have a new ADA for now. And a very capable one"

Olivia and Alex shared a strong hug before the SUV brought the ex ADA back to witness protection.

The brown-eyed Detective felt a little better, she had the opportunity to make peace with her. It didn't change anything for Casey but at least, they separated without mutual, hard and unresolved feelings.

_So, worth going on?? :)_


	9. Chapter 9

So looks like this fic is getting its fans, I'm soooo delighted, thank you so much to all readers and reviewers :D  
Let's dig a little into Casey's mysterious secret.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
6 March - 09:15 pm_

She was crying, she had been ever since she entered her apartment.  
No, in fact, it started right at the building's entrance, which was something new. Usually she'd restrain them until she was in the safety of her apartment.

Too damn tired from today's confrontations, she slid down the floor, hugging her knees to her chest tightly, rocking herself back and forth slowly.  
Briefly she thought she hadn't locked the damn door and it wasn't safe.  
But she didn't care. She was too damn tired.  
She didn't have enough strength to pick herself from the floor, discard her clothing and flop down on the nearby couch. The bedroom, down the hallway, wasn't even an option; it had not been for the past weeks.

Seems that all she was doing lately was cry. Alone, in the dark.  
Safely locked in the darkness of her apartment, she'd cry as soon as the door locked behind her and she'd cry herself to sleep.  
It has been going on for the last two months, and yet she wondered how she could still have any tears left to shed.

Her swallowing in self pity didn't much long as there was a knock at her door.  
It startled her, making her jump. But refusing to acknowledge any presence, she decided to ignore it. It couldn't be important, even at this late hour.  
Must be the pizza guy mistaking her apartment for the one next door, it happened frequently, looked like people had trouble paying attention these days.

He would go away, they all did anyway…

- "Casey, it's Olivia, open up".

From soft, the knocks became more insistent, to turn into loud bams on the wooden frame.

Well decided to still ignore it, she rested her head on her bent knees, resuming her rocking.  
- "Casey, I need to talk to you, please open the door".  
- "Damn it Casey, I know you are in here, open the door".  
- "Casey Ann Novak you'd better open up!"  
- "Case you want me to get the landlord and use my badge to get in?"  
- "Casey open the damn door before I knock it down, you know I will!"

The one-sided argument lasted ten good minutes before she gave in. Still sitting on the floor, she moved to the side and opened the door.  
When it opened, there stood a very flustered and very pissed Olivia Benson.

Frowning at the display, she entered the apartment and locked the door behind her.  
Dropping on her knees by Casey's shivering form, all angriness she felt a minute ago vanished as she gathered her in her arms, hugging her tightly.

- "Geez Casey you are shivering. Com'on let's get you warmed up", she said as she pulled the unresponsive woman to her feet, towards the couch.

Making her sit, she retrieved a wool blanket from the back of the couch, draped it across her shoulders. Sitting on the coffee table, facing her, she grabbed her hands, rubbing them between hers to warm them up.  
Her heart sank at the sight of the young woman: a million miles away, her eyes not focused, her cheeks, red from crying, a sharp contrast against her blond hair.

It reminded how much she missed her red locks, but that was a different story.

They remained like this for a while, only the moon lighting the room, until she felt a not so gentle tug in her hands, just before a hoarse voice filled the air.  
- "Olivia, you should go"  
- "I'm not going anywhere Casey"  
- "Olivia, you are not my mom, nor my sister, just leave me alone"  
- "And I say no way"  
- "Please", the pleading tone made Olivia search Casey's teary eyes "please Olivia, don't make me beg"  
- "You really want me to go?"  
- "I … you… I don't know"  
- "Casey, you can't stay on your own right now. Let me help. I know I'm not family but please let me help you, as a friend"  
- "Are we? Friends?", Olivia saw hope and fear cross her delicate features, wondering how she could be that insecure about the whole thing.  
- "You tell me."  
- "I .. I don't know … I said so … such mean things today, how could you …I mean … It's …"  
- "Casey, stop it, friends argue sometimes, it's no big deal", Olivia whispered in a stern voice, effectively stopping her babbling.

She seemed to process this in her mind before finally releasing a deep breath.  
- "I'm cold, I'm so damn tired to be fucking cold all the fucking time", Olivia resisted to smile at the vivid language the young attorney was using. She certainly wasn't used to it.  
- "It's okay Casey, we will work on it. I'll run you a bath, how does it feel?"  
- "Okay"

Although she didn't want to, Olivia released the cold hands and headed down the hall. Before she disappeared in the bathroom, she turned to see Casey watching her intently. Giving her a shy smile, she nodded and disappeared.

Left by herself, Casey let her head rest on the back of the couch, letting the warm blanket engulfs her in its heat. It wasn't effective; she missed Olivia's closeness and touch. She knew she could trust her but did she really have any right to ask anything from her? She had already done a lot and drop this burden on her wasn't fair.  
Olivia had suffered a lot in her life, why add this?  
To fulfil some selfish desire to not be alone, to feel cared for?

Olivia returned a moment later with a second blanket. Draping it over the first, she pulled Casey to her feet, and, slipping a hand in hers, she escorted the younger woman to the bathroom. She tried not to shiver at the coldness of her skin, or at the drawn face. She didn't know what kind of help she could be to her, but she would do her best, she would be present every step of the way.

In her field of work, she met victims on a daily basis, but on short term, this was utterly different.  
Her longest experience must have been with the very same ADA, when she was attacked over two months ago in her office, and pretty badly beaten up. She found her, lying on the floor of her office, unconscious, blood running down her pale lips. She accompanied her at the hospital, and did stay until she woke up. The day after, she drove her home and staid two nights, making sure the young woman wasn't too afraid to be left alone. But she wasn't and everything seemed back to normal. Or so it seemed.

Casey Novak was a strong woman in her daily professional life, but looking at her now with her pale face, her eyes darting nervously around the bathroom, she looked like she was barely 5. She wasn't used to the sight, and she didn't like it.

To be honest, this sight scared her.

_Hmmm, what do you think?? :)_


	10. Chapter 10

Wooohooo your reviews are really a pleasure to read, thank you so much.  
Enough rambling, on with the story ... let's see what you think about this next chapter...

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
6 March - 10:03 pm_

Olivia looked at Casey who still hadn't entered the room. Standing behind her, she discarded the blankets, before running her hands up and down the length of her arms. Even two wool blankets had done nothing to warm her up; no wonder she was tired of the coldness.

Resting her chin on her shoulder, she gave her arms a gentle squeeze, trying to make her move.

- "Casey, you'd get in before the water turns lukewarm", she whispered.  
- "I … maybe you should"  
- "What is it Casey? Talk to me", she encouraged her, unsure of what caused her to back off now.  
- "Nothing, I just … s'okay", she exhaled deeply, taking a tentative step in the room.  
- "Okay, take your time, I'll be right here if you need anything"

Intend to give her some privacy, Olivia walked towards the bedroom to retrieve something warm for the young ADA to wear after her bath. When she returned minutes later with a pair of green fleecy pyjamas, which matched the colour of her eyes, she frowned when realising Casey hadn't moved an inch.

She was still standing motionless at the entry of her bathroom, arms pending, with a lost look in her eyes. Any sign of movement was absent, except for her hands franticly clenching and unclenching by her sides.

- "Casey?", she inquired softly, not wanting to startle her.  
"Casey, what is it sweetheart?", she asked again when she got no response.  
"You know when I said to take your time, I meant in the bath, not before", she changed her strategy, hoping joking would light the mood and get her to talk.  
- "I … I can't Olivia, I just want to sleep. Can I?", the pleading voice from earlier was back, just like the tears, if her quivering shoulders were any indication.  
- "Of course but a bath would warm you up faster than a bed", she argument with a soft smile.  
- "I'm so tired", she admitted in a low voice.  
- "Is that why you don't want to take the bath?"  
- "Olivia, really you should take it, I'm just going to bed", turning on her heels, her slow escape was blocked by Olivia who hadn't moved an inch.  
- "Casey Ann Novak you are not going anywhere before telling what's bugging you", she responded, her voice stern but gentle.  
- "Olivia, nothing really", she lied.  
- "Case you are a bad liar when you are exhausted. Now spill it", she requested softly, brushing away the tears with her thumbs.  
- "I …", she began but she couldn't bring herself to voice her fears.  
- "Casey it's just you and me here, just us", Olivia pushed gently "Now tell me"  
- "I…I'm so tired ...I", she began before being cut off by Olivia  
- "We already discussed this Casey. The bath will warm you, then you can go to bed", Olivia felt she sounded like some broken record.  
- "You don't understand Olivia", for the first time Casey met Olivia's eyes and the despair written in their green depth made Olivia's heart sink even more.  
"I'm too tired for this. It takes me ages to get dressed in the morning. I just don't have enough strength in me to do more than flop on the couch. Please?"  
- "What about a helpful hand then?", she retorted without thinking.  
- "Olivia, I can't … you are not… I mean … I can't ask"  
- "You are not asking, I'm offering", she replied with a smile, hoping to light up the mood.

Turning Casey gently back towards the bathroom, Olivia rested her hands on her shoulders, squeezing lightly.  
- "Sit on the bathtub's corner and I'll take care of the rest", she assured her.

Casey did as instructed, totally trusting the Detective. If someone could make her feel safe, it was Olivia Benson.  
As on hint, Olivia Benson removed her holster and badge from the waistband of her black jeans, wrapping them in a towel and setting it down on the top shelf of the linen cupboard.

That's why it had been so hard to ask her to leave earlier today. She didn't want her to go, but throwing her out meant keeping some dignity.  
As soon as the door slammed closed behind the Detective, she curled up in a ball on her side, making it very difficult for her to breath. Not that she cared but the nurse who came in shortly after made sure she laid back on the bed and positioned the oxygen mask back over her mouth.

She supposed she threw some Tylenol or something close in her IV since in no time she felt dizzy and sleepy.  
But for once she didn't fight and let sleep claim her.

When she woke up around 7 pm, the Doctor agreed to send her home if she took things slow for the coming days. She agreed eagerly, knowing that coming home to an empty apartment would in no way mean party time. She was more concerned about the way she'd drag herself from the building's entry to her apartment, she felt quite nauseous.

But she put up a brave front and fought back the dizziness; no way would she spend an other week-end alone in this hospital.

It took some time but finally Olivia found a way to protect Casey's bandages.

Searching through the bathroom for something to keep them dry, she closed the bathroom door, and ran some hot water in the tube. The water turned a little warmed, and steam filled the room. She hoped the last would help Casey get a little warm as she moved towards her to help her undress.  
She didn't know how she deserved such trust from her, but she'd do her best to live up to her expectations.

When she went in earlier this evening, she certainly didn't expect to find herself in this situation. She had come to talk to the young ADA, certainly not to be her dresser or something. Not that she minded, she was serious when saying she wanted to help her, but standing in a steamy bathroom with a naked woman wasn't part of her plan for tonight. What is more when the said woman was the ADA she had worked closely with over the past year.

Taking a deep breath, she approached Casey who had again zoned out, her hands rubbing the length of her arms.  
Bending slowly to be at her eyes' level, she tried to catch her eyes.  
When it didn't work after a couple minutes, she lifted her chin, giving her a soft smile.  
- "Hey, you ready?", she inquired in a whisper.

Casey only nodded, her look fixed on some point behind Olivia.

It wasn't going to be easy. Sliding her hands under Casey's arms she helped her stand and sneaked an arm around her waist as the red hair's legs turned to jello.  
At first, she had planned to give her some sense of privacy by wrapping her in a towel as she'd undress her but she soon realised it wouldn't work.

No way she'd support both their weights, guide Casey in the tube, while keeping a towel around her. She'd have to do it that way, hoping Casey would trust her enough to support this lack of intimacy.  
Giving Casey a reassuring smile, she sat her back on the bathtub before peeling her off her clothing. She started at the bottom with sneakers and socks, to move up her body.  
She finished with her oversized 'sex crimes' softball top, so she wouldn't get any colder.

It seemed to work as she wasn't shivering anymore, but glancing up she noticed fresh tears running down the young ADA cheeks. Her eyes burned into the bathroom's carpet, her cheeks flushed from embarrassment.  
There was no mistaking the lost look in her eyes: she was ashamed.  
Ashamed of letting Olivia see her like this.

Making her look at her, Olivia engulfed her in her arms, whispering comforting words into her hair:

- "It's okay Casey. It's just me, Olivia. I just want to help you. Nothing bad will happen to you, I promise. No one needs to know about any of this. What happens in this apartment tonight will stay in it, I won't tell anyone. You have my word Casey".

As she was comforting her, she felt Casey relax slightly in her arms, her hands coming to loop loosely around her waist.  
She hugged her a moment more before pulling back. Discarding her of her black lacy bra, she patched her torso the best she could so the bandages would remain dry.

A minute later, she guided Casey Novak into the bathtub, never breaking eye contact with her. Once she was sitting in the half full tube, the water just reached her navel which was perfect. An extra security for her bandages.  
She didn't wish to drive Casey back to ER at this late hour for a mistake she'd have done.

She couldn't help but notice the weight lost by the younger woman lately.  
Guess she had plenty of business suits so she hadn't really noticed, but when she stood naked in front of her, she saw how prominent her ribs were, proving how skinny she had become in two months only. At first sight, she estimated the weight lost to be around 11 lb. Damn her blindness.  
She realised it even more painfully when she washed her limbs, arms, legs, shoulders, back, torso, making sure not to wet the bandages.

Her eyes fixed on Olivia's hand, Casey followed her every movement.

True be said she didn't remember the last time she shared lunch with the squad over a case, or whenever she mentioned going out for lunch.

- "You are number 1 asshole Benson", she chastised herself "a number 1 detective who didn't even notice, no wonder she feels this way", she thought bitterly.  
- "Olivia?", the soft whisper took her back to reality.

Turning her attention back to Casey, she noticed her head lulling back, her eyelids fluttering, seemed like she had a very hard time keeping them open. Her arms were resting flat on the bathtub sides, her hands grabbing it tightly. If she was trying to stand, she was really unsuccessful.

- "I'm sorry Casey", she apologized, "guess I was lost in thoughts", she decided to be honest.

As a fine prosecutor, even tired as she might be, she'd know if she were lying.

Grabbing Casey' hand she helped her stand and go out of the tube. Enveloping her in her bathrobe, she made quick work in drying and getting her dressed for bed.

Seeing her so withdrawn and tired, she resisted the urge to simply carry her to bed. She couldn't give to this impulse, not that she wouldn't be able to carry her, but she wasn't sure how Casey would take it. She didn't want her to feel insulted in any way, as all Olivia wanted was to take care of her.

So instead she snaked an arm around her waist and supported most of her weight as they went to her bedroom.

Judging it useless to turn on the light, she helped Casey to lie on the bed. She hadn't spoken a word since she exited the bathtub, letting Olivia in charge.  
Which was fine for the time being, but she wouldn't accept if it went on much longer.  
She knew it took a lot from Casey to accept her help, but seeing her so tired, so withdrawn, she wondered how she could have held it all together for the last couple months.

She was in court most of the day, doing the line-ups, representing the people in the arraignments, undergoing medical exams, and from what she had read in her file, she was suffering from acute insomnia. Make-up must have become her number one preoccupation in the morning. She wondered how she didn't fall asleep in the middle of the court from sheer exhaustion.  
Sure she was a world class softball player, but physical and emotional exhaustion made one hell of a cocktail. And as strong as she was, she still was rather the skinny kind.

Tugging her in, she smiled fondly when looking down at her. Curled up in a ball, her tousled hair and the cover tugged under her chin, she looked like a little girl.

But her smile faded when she remarked she was shivering again, her teeth chattering.  
Reaching the window, she made sure the thermostat was set up to a good heat; it was already on 77°F. Indeed it was rather hot in here but she couldn't really tell, she had been pretty active the last hour, so her feeling hot wasn't really a good indication. Besides she never got cold easily so…  
But Casey was clearly freezing so stroddling down the corridor, she retrieved the blankets and laid them on her. Eyes barely open, she mouthed a shy 'thank you' through still chattering teeth.

The sight broke Olivia's heart. She was reminded once more what the last weeks must have been like for the younger woman.

After a good quarter, Casey's eyes kept fluttering but she could tell she was nowhere near falling asleep.  
Sitting by her side, laying a hand on her shoulder; she massaged her gently through the pile of blankets, hoping to bring some comfort without rousing her more.  
- "I'm…so…sorry", she whispered minutes later.  
- "You have no reason to be sorry Casey", she assured her, wondering briefly what she was talking about.

Forcing her eyes to open fully, Casey rolled onto her back, wincing at the pain it caused her body.  
- "I'm sorry…sorry for all…this. I'm keeping you a…awake…and it's…sat….saturday ni…ight", she said in a barely audible whisper. Olivia had to lain closer to hear her.  
- "Told you Counselor, no hot dates for me", she joked hoping to take away the fearful look in Casey's eyes. But it didn't work and instead tears welled up in green eyes.  
- "You…you mu…must have better… damn….things to…do", she replied through her tears "you go…I will…be"  
- "You will not be fine Casey, and you know it", she interrupted her. No need for her to waste her strength on this.  
"Save your strength Counselor because I'm not going anywhere. I thought I told you so", she smiled.  
- "But…you", Casey was silenced by Olivia's finger on her lips.  
- "I said no more Counselor. I won't go away. Subject closed", she smiled.  
- "Ok", she said finally.  
- "Good girl", Olivia joked which was rewarded with a very small smile from Casey. It was tiny, but there just the same.  
- "Now what about you getting some sleep", she realized her hand had moved from her lips to her cheek, brushing the skin there with the back on her hand.  
- "I…I can't", she admitted, averting her eyes.  
- "Why is that?"  
- "Do…don't know…just…ca…can't"

Olivia sighed; there might be a way to make her sleep. But she doubted sleeping pills would be the right choice. She was enough exhausted, no need to make her disoriented.

- "You still cold?"  
- "Ye…yes"  
- "Okay let's start there", she replied before raising "I will be right back".

Casey watched her leave with what seemed a puzzled expression. But keeping her eyes open longer was above her strength, her eyes closing on their own will.

Once in the living room, Olivia fished inside her jacket's pocket to retrieve her cell phone. Switching it off, she moved to the house phone and did the same with the device. Casey's cell phone, abandoned in her suitcase, was next.

Moving to the kitchen, she set the kettle to boil.  
Rummaging through the bathroom's drawers, she found what she hoped for and went back to the kitchen just as the kettle started hissing.  
Waiting a couple minutes for the water to cool a little, she poured it in the hot-water bottle.

Then she went back to Casey's bedroom. The younger woman was still lying on her back, but a hand was now massaging her forehead.  
- "Headache?", Olivia's concerned eyes sought out the younger's.  
- "Yeah, they keep coming back", she breathed, biting her bottom lip.  
- "That's because you are exhausted. Let's get you all warm and sleepy", she replied in a playful voice.

Bending, she slid the hot-water bottle under the covers, right next to Casey's icy feet.  
- "There, that'd help', she said as she took her place back on the mattress.  
- "Thank you", was Casey's soft reply as she put her feet directly on the hot-water bottle. As cold as they were she couldn't feel them anyway, might as well warm them faster.  
- "My pleasure".

Since she didn't seem to mind earlier, Olivia resumed caressing Casey's cheek slowly. Maybe the smoothing gesture would lull her to sleep. It certainly made herself sleepy but clearly not Casey. She noticed that she wasn't shivering anymore, even some colour were back on her lips and cheeks. She decided to take it as a good sign.

She was staring at the ceiling, taking slow deep breaths. She couldn't miss the painful look grazing Casey's features as she inhaled. The woman was clearly in pain.

- "Casey?"  
- "Yes?", she responded, turning her head towards Olivia.  
- "Anything I can do?", she inquired softly.

Casey gave her a small smile before shaking her head "I'm afraid not Olivia. Sleep just isn't my friend lately"

- "How long?", she blurbed, needing to know how blind she had been. Maybe the file was wrong; it couldn't have been that long.  
- "I don't know. Mid-december I guess"

Olivia sucked in her breath "you are kidding right?"  
Casey didn't answer so she went on "Are you saying you have been suffering from insomnia for over 2 months now?"

Casey only nodded, her gaze back to the ceiling.  
- "Why didn't you say anything?"

Once more, no reply from the young ADA.

- "Casey? Talk to me, please"  
- "What do you want me to say Olivia? Yes I've been insomniac for the last two months, squeezing at best 3 hours sleep at night, and no I haven't told you. You're not the only one who keeps secrets", she stated bitterly, still not looking at Olivia.  
- "That's a low one Counselor", she retorted on the same tone. She wasn't really angry, more hurt. Hurt which must have been evident in her voice since Casey finally looked at her with an apologist smile.  
- "I'm sorry Olivia, I shouldn't have said this"  
- "Why not? It's the truth after all. If we hadn't kept this information from you, none of this shit would have happened"  
- "Olivia, I don't regret anything. This shit as you describe it, brought Alexandra's shooter to justice"  
- "But…"  
- "No buts Olivia, I wouldn't have done it any differently", she whispered. Olivia knew she wasn't referring to Liam Connors only.  
- "Why Casey?", she asked in a low voice. She wasn't sure she was ready for the answer to come, but she needed to know. She needed to understand.  
- "Why not?", she retorted not meeting Olivia's eyes.

Rolling onto her side, her back to Olivia, she gritted her teeth at the sharp pain rising from her chest. But she couldn't let Olivia see it. So she gritted her teeth harder, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.

After a moment, when she felt Olivia's hand coming to rest on her hip, she resisted the envy to turn around and seek comfort in Olivia's arms. Part of her wanted to, but the other part, the ADA in her, wished for her to just go away.  
To let her face this alone.  
Again.

Olivia squeezed her hip, before standing.  
She didn't know what to do anymore. One minute Casey was seeking her help like her life depended on it, the next one she was clearly pushing her away.  
She couldn't imagine what she was going through, but she wished she knew that she was there for her, in any way she needed.

On the threshold, she turned to the bed:  
- "As much as you think you are Casey Ann Novak, you are not alone in this. I don't intend to let you down"

She studied the prone figure some more before closing the door. As she was about to, she heard Casey move on the bed as a throaty whisper called after her.

Opening the door, she saw Casey sitting on the king size bed, almost lost in it as small and fragile as she looked, the blankets crushed to her chest. She was panting, her breathing heavy, and her face was drenched with tears. Her palm was flat on the bed to keep her balance.  
- "Don't…go. Please O…Olivia…please…just don't…go", she barely articulated between sobs and hiccups, her eyes pleading.  
- "S'okay Casey, shhh, I'm not going anywhere", she reassured the red hair as she gathered her in her arms, hugging her softly, not wishing to worsen her already difficult breathing.  
- "I'm so…sorry", she whispered before literally melting in Olivia's arms.

Surprised by the strength deployed by Casey to throw herself in her arms, Olivia kicked off her boots before kneeling on the bed, as Casey dissolved in heart-wrecking tears.  
Patting her hair, Olivia, tears running down her own cheeks, held her forcefully for the longest time, until they fell asleep in each other's arms.

If only this outburst meant that Casey really trusted her, it might lead them somewhere.

_Long chapter, hu? lol  
You know I live for feedback :)  
_


	11. Chapter 11

Hmmm thank you for the nice reviews, and see it listed in a C2 community always makes my day.  
benson-novak808: it's safe to archive it in a CO C2 community, although it's way later in the fic :D  
CNovak929: I've long debated to write or not what happened between Liv and Casey, but as of today I choose to not write it, and let reader's imagination work...  
Ok, time to post that next chapter...

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
7 March - 06:13 am_

Olivia Benson awoke when she felt Casey Novak stir next to her.  
Glancing at the alarm clock, she was pleased to notice that they had slept almost 6 hours which, considering Casey's acute insomnia those past two months, could certainly be described as a record.

Casey stirred but instead of rousing, she rolled around, snuggled up to Olivia and went back to sleep.The older woman could have screamed in happiness at this if it hadn't meant waking her up.  
Knowing she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, she just lay there, watching Casey sleep.

Gliding a hand through silky hair, her mind ventured to the first time she met the young ADA, the Dr Nowland's case back in October.They were searching the house for evidence and she discovered unlabelled phials hidden in the kitchen. As she was questioning the perp's wife, who had no idea what those were, a husky voice came from behind her:  
- "Looks like pharmaceuticals to me. Put them in a warrant bag" or something close.

She was pissed at the outsider's intrusion, and even more that the said outsider would tell her how to do her job.  
- "Who the hell are you?", she asked her but Elliott walked in right at this moment and presented her with Casey Novak, their new ADA. Namely Alexandra Cabot's replacement.

Looks like she whipped his ass a couple times at the lawyers vs. cops baseball's games.  
Now she was on their side, literally speaking, since she joined the Sex Crimes team, much to her former team mates' sorrow. They hadn't questioned her motives, too happy to get a world class batter, but for her, it felt like she wanted to be more part of the unit, of the SVU team.

Sure she was rough around the edges, and her requesting a line up for an eight years old girl to identify a rape suspect, and then being tough with the said girl who didn't identify their suspect, caused Olivia to pay her office a visit later on.  
She was pissed, and intended to make herself perfectly clear to the young ADA that it wasn't a way to handle the job. She certainly didn't expect to find her dejected, traces of tears in her green eyes, her voice huskier.That's when she learnt that SVU wasn't her choice, an other Arthur Branch's trick. She wanted "Straight Homicides"; "you know all the glory, no live victims", she got Special Victims Unit. Not exactly the same field.  
But she was surely up to the challenge, and she even rescued a kidnapped little girl on that same first case. She found her in the cooler wheeled by the suspect as Elliott was trying to get him to talk, sinking him in the port's water.

Second case had her put herself on the line for Elliott, at the Captain's request. She did, although she was all new to the team, she could have refused.

Looking back at a couple cases, seemed to her that all she craved for, unconsciously maybe, was to fit in. To be part of the team. And she succeeded, Casey's convictions' rate was as good, if not better, as her predecessor, and to be honest, she built stronger cases.

Alexandra always found a way to bend the law, to push the line to fit the cases.  
Casey worked the other way around: she built strong cases requesting strong evidences from her detectives, and then there was nothing stopping her in Court.

Seemed like her mind compared Alex and Casey but there was no real competition, Alex was back in witness protection and Casey was here with her, safe and recovered from the shooting.

Although the shooting made her uncover Casey's little secret.

Pushing the annoying thought away, she focused her attention back on the woman sleeping in her arms, whose head was nestled in the crook of her neck.  
Casey was a natural red hair and she didn't understand why, months after months, she was dyeing her hair blond. What was she trying to prove? Or more exactly who was she trying to be? Tried to look like her predecessor? Was it consciously or not?  
Either way, Olivia liked her much more as a red hair. Not only looked she prettier, softer, but her natural colour matched her alabaster skin.

On more than one occasion, she had been tempted to ask her why she was dyeing her hair blond, but at the last moment, she always backed off. After all, who was she to ask the new ADA such question?

But all the same, the question bugged her on a regular basis.

Now, after what she heard in the Courtroom and Casey's current mental state, there was no way she'd ask her anytime soon. There were much more urgent matters to deal with.

Against all expectations, Olivia felt sleep engulf her. She didn't resist, just tightened her hold on Casey before drifting.

_  
Feedback warmly welcomed :)  
_


	12. Chapter 12

Time to post this which might bring some light in our lovely ADA's secret... and I love every single review :D

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
7 March - 09:42 am_

Casey awoke in a ray of sun.  
She felt warm, more rested than she has been in the last months, but a naughty headache was creeping inside her head.

Rolling onto her side, she froze: there was something important she should remember, she was sure of it. Racking her aching head, she remembered her appointment with Doctor Evers, Olivia Benson showing up, her head poking from behind the drawn curtain, her asking to leave. Good thing she wouldn't have to face the Detective anymore, there is no way, she'd leave her alone after such an outburst.

Then she went home, feeling nauseous in the cab, even dizzy in the elevator.  
That was pretty much it. How she ended up in bed? She had no memory.She was even more puzzled when realising she was fully dressed for bed. Usually she'd end up on the couch with her day clothes on.  
There was definitively something she should remember.

Minutes later, the bedroom's door opened, revealing Detective Olivia Benson with a tray in hands. Sitting up, she welcomed the unexpected visitor with wide eyes.  
- "Olivia?"  
- "Hey, how do you feel?", she queried, setting the tray on the nightstand before sitting by Casey's side.  
- "Fine…wha…what are you doing here?"  
- "You don't remember?"

Olivia wondered aloud then it hit her: Casey was so out of it yesterday, she might have no recollection of what happened. She's seen it before. In fact she saw it months ago after being attacked in her office: she never recovered the 8 hours or so of lost memories.

On Casey's nod, she explained her the evening in a few words, leaving a few details out:  
- "I paid you a visit last night. You were pretty tired and cold. I ran you a bath and put you to bed".  
- "Why don't I remember any of it?"  
- "You were exhausted. Don't worry, everything's fine", she assured her, patting her knee, not really wishing for Casey to remember. She had been pretty ashamed to let Olivia see her that vulnerable, no real need to make her feel it again.  
"How about breakfast?", she asked, handing her a cup of steaming coffee. Sniffing the hot liquid, she took a sip, letting its hotness warm her inside.

Casey took her time to drink her coffee, trying hard to remember. How could she have forgotten Olivia's visit yesterday? And maybe most important, what happened between them last night? Olivia didn't seem angry with her, did they talk about anything? Or was it something they still had to sort out?

Geez she'd really stop turning into an amnesiac every time a major event traumatized her body.  
Well, she smirked, it'd be the last, so …

Her smirk wasn't missed by Olivia Benson's observation skills.

- "Something funny?"  
- "Just a silly thought", she retorted.  
- "Wanna share?"  
- "No, not really. Besides, I believe you have somewhere else to be", she added, returning the cup to the tray.  
- "Not really, if I can do anything…"  
- "Olivia it's Sunday"  
- "And…?"  
- "It's Sunday, you are not on duty, so I'm sure you have better things to do", she insisted, standing.

But her retreat wasn't taken lightly by Olivia who circled the bed and stood facing her.

- "What is it Casey? You kicking me out?"  
- "Olivia, I don't remember anything from last night and…"  
- "Is it a problem? Don't you trust me?"  
- "What does it have to do with it? It's just that I don't remember anything and…"  
- "And what are you so afraid to not remember? That I got you drunk and sent you seduce the landlord?"  
- "Olivia…"  
- "Casey, here me out: you were tired, I gave you a hand and you slept through the night. End of the story."  
- "What?"  
- "I said…"  
- "I heard what you said…you are telling me I slept?"  
- "Yes, why? No insomnia last night"

Olivia didn't think such "detail" would retain such high importance. But she reconsidered it when Casey sat on the bed, breath caught, her eyes focused on the trees below her window.

She left her some time to gather herself before sitting by her side.  
- "What is it Casey?"  
- "Nothing … I mean … It's just that I've been suffering from insomnia for weeks and well, I didn't think it would ever go away"  
- "Well it did but I believe you should settle back in bed and rest some more. You do need it".  
- "I appreciate your concern Olivia, but really, it's not necessary", she replied before standing once more.

Reaching the bedroom's door, she turned to Olivia:  
- "Now if you will excuse me, we both have things to do", then she left the bedroom.

Minutes later, Olivia hadn't moved and Casey had no other choice than to go back and get her.

She was now standing by the window, her back to it, arms crossed high on her chest, wearing a pissed off smile.  
- "Olivia? Didn't you hear me?  
- "Oh I did Casey, don't worry. But I didn't say I agreed"  
- "What? You have nothing to agree on, this is my place and…"  
- "Casey, last night I found you almost passed out from sheer exhaustion in this apartment"  
- "Well it's my place and I …"  
- "Let me finish! It's indeed your place, and your life; and I doubt I can tell you how to lead it. But if you believe I'll just go and do as nothing happened, you are totally wrong!"  
- "Olivia, it's none of your business for God's sake!"  
- "Yes it is, you are a friend of mine!"  
- "I was hardly a colleague Olivia, don't go all sentimental", she chuckled. "Now you should go"  
- "And I say no"  
- "Stop being stubborn and difficult Olivia"  
- "Well if I am both, I don't know how to describe your obstinacy Casey"  
- "Olivia, our working relationship ended a couple weeks ago, you don't owe me anything. I appreciate your help last night but now you have to go"  
- "And what will you do? Lye on the floor until you die?"  
- "Olivia!"  
- "Casey, you need help, you need medical attention!"  
- "I don't need any help! I'm fine!"  
- "When is your next Doctor's appointment? I can come with you if you want"  
- "What Doctor's appointment??"  
- "The one with Doctor Evers, the surgeon. I saw it in your file…"  
- "What you saw in my file doesn't concern you since you had no right to look at it! There won't be any Doctor's appointment"  
- "But Casey you had one yesterday…"  
- "Yesterday was something different Olivia."  
- "Anything I should know?"  
- "No"  
- "Casey… all I want is help you"  
- "Don't you get it Olivia? I don't want nor do I need any help!"  
- "Casey you are sick, this growth is probably malignant, you need treatment!"  
- "Olivia, none of this concerns you. Now please leave"

Storming out of the bedroom, Casey hoped Olivia would follow her this time. She was feeling more and more tired, and arguing with Olivia didn't help her migraine.

Olivia stood baffled in the bedroom. Their conversation didn't make any sense.  
Casey said she didn't need help although she was barely holding it all together. She has seen it last night, there is no way she'd handle going to the Doctor's appointment, go through surgery or any aggressive treatment in her current state.  
And what about their "working relationship ending weeks back"? Weren't ADA Kibre and Gaffney replacing Casey until she came back? Was there something else she didn't know?

Taking deep calming breaths, she joined Casey who was standing by the door, holding it wide open, other hand on her hip.  
Walking towards her, she laid her hand over hers, closing then locking the door. Holding Casey's angry glare, she sat on the couch, arms and legs crossed.

And then she waited.

She certainly didn't expect Casey's childish reaction. Instead of facing her and talk, which Olivia believed would be her natural reaction, she went to the kitchen, poured herself two cups of coffee and went back to her room.

When she heard the door slam, Olivia decided not to enter Casey's game and stood her ground. After all, where could she go? She doubted she'd use the security scale to leave her own apartment.

Their little game lasted a couple hours before Olivia gave in.

She entered on tiptoe Casey's bedroom whose door wasn't locked.

Contrary to earlier, the room was plunged in total darkness, the shutters and curtains drawn. Casey was asleep, lying on top of the covers.

Well so she thought until she turned around and faced Olivia:  
- "Why can't you just go Olivia? It doesn't concern you", she said in a low voice laced with tears.  
- "May I come in?", she requested not wishing to invade Casey's space if she didn't want her to.  
- "Go ahead, doesn't look like you intend to leave", she smirked.  
- "Casey, I don't want to intrude in your life. I…", she said as she sat on the mattress.  
- "Could have fooled me"  
- "Case, we are friends, we work together. How could I turn my back to you when you are visibly hurting?"  
- "Olivia, we won't be working together ever again"  
- "Case, the treatments will cure you, then you will be back"  
- "Who said anything about treatment?", she laughed bitterly.  
- "Excuse me?"  
- "Olivia, you heard me."

Switching on the nightstand lamp, she gazed down at Casey who was looking up at her with tearful eyes.  
- "What the fuck are you talking about?"  
- "You heard me Olivia; I won't go through any treatment."  
- "Casey… you can't do that"  
- "Oh yes I can Olivia"

The determination in her moss-green eyes took Olivia aback.  
- "You want to die?"  
- "Not more than the next person. But if this growth kills me then let be it"  
- "You are insane! It's suicide!"  
- "It's not suicide! It's letting things take their natural course"  
- "And you think I'll just sit back and watch you commit suicide?", she stood as Casey just laid there, watching her pace the room.  
- "It doesn't concern you Olivia so please let it go", she pleaded.

Olivia stopped in her tracks, watching intently the younger woman who was now sitting in bed, smirking.  
- "Why Casey?"  
- "Olivia …", she warned her.  
- "You want to commit suicide, at least tell me why", she pleaded.  
- "Why do you care? Why can't you just drop it!", she yelled.  
- "Because I care for fuck sake!", she retorted, equally yelling.  
- "You don't, you never did! All you ever cared about what when Alex would return. I was merely filing the vacant position! But now that she's back in witness protection, I interest you all of a sudden!", she yelled at the top of her lungs, now kneeling on the bed so they were face to face.

Then Olivia did something she didn't think she was capable of: she slapped Casey across the face.

Hard.

Twice.

It wasn't the wisest thing to do as soon the two women were fighting like cats and dogs: kicking, punching, even biting, and crashing around the room. Olivia might have been best trained but Casey certainly returned every blow with equal force.

When they stopped, exhausted, the room looked like a hurricane devastated it.

Sitting on the floor, each at one corner of the room, panting heavily, they glared at each other with dark eyes. They were equally sweating and no doubt the blows would leave nice big bruises in a couple hours.

Once she figured it was safe that Casey wouldn't strangle her, Olivia stood and went to crouch by her side, just a couple feet away.  
- "Fuck you Olivia", she growled as she wiped the corner of her bleeding mouth.  
- "Told you Counselor, I won't leave. You'd better get used to it", she whispered before raising and offering her hand to the young woman.

She saw the inner struggle in her eyes as she looked at the offending hand before finally taking it.

_  
Feedback always warmly welcomed :)  
_


	13. Chapter 13

Hmmm I begin to think I create a bunch of junkies lol ... but I love every single review, they keep me going :D

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
7 March - 11:16 am_

- "I'd have you arrested for manslaughter", Casey growled as she went to the fridge to retrieve some ice.  
- "You're right, I shouldn't have done that", Olivia admitted shamefully.  
- "Then why did you do it?", she asked, handing her a icepack, the one she used whenever she went back home with a sore shoulder after batting.  
- "You rubbed me the wrong way Novak, I hate speaking to stubborn 3 years old kids"

They settled on the couch and neither spoke for a long time.  
Until the packs of ice were completely melted.

Olivia was the first to break the thick silent.

- "Casey, I'm sorry I hit you. It was wrong and I apologize. But you really did hit a nerve the way you behaved"  
- "I wouldn't have if you respected my wish and left when I asked you to"  
- "I can't respect something that doesn't make any sense!"  
- "What doesn't?"  
- "You committing suicide"  
- "It is not suicide Olivia"  
- "Well I don't know how else to call it. If you don't go through any treatment you will die Casey. Is that what you want?"  
- "No"  
- "Then what?!", Olivia exclaimed, they were back two hours ago. She felt like she was talking to a wall.  
- "Why can't you leave it at that Olivia? Why can't you just go and never look back? It's not like I was someone close to you, the squad. They are plenty of talented ADAs Branch can hire"  
- "We already have one talented ADA, why change?"  
- "Com'on Olivia, I never filled Alex' shoes"  
- "And no one expected you to! Alex was Alex, you are Casey. Different persons, different ways to handle the job"  
- "I'm sure Alex never traumatized a little girl at her first line-up", she laughed bitterly.  
- "Not that I remember. But she made us search a house knowing she had no warrant. She made us believe she had one"  
- "Well I'm sure she took the blame, and the victims didn't suffer from that trick"  
- "Casey….", Olivia said, waiting for the young woman to look at her.  
"Why do you belittle yourself like this?"  
- "I'm not", she replied defensively.  
- "Sure you are: we all make mistakes, that doesn't make us less professional or less capable to handle our jobs"  
- "Well the situation won't rise again", she whispered standing and getting ride of the melted ice pack in the kitchen's trash.

When she didn't return from the kitchen, Olivia joined her there, finding her staring into space.  
- "Casey?", she queried gently, not wanting to startle her.

She had to call her a couple times before she came out of her haze.  
- "Yes?", she responded with an exasperated sigh.  
- "Don't get all defensive Novak, I just want to understand"  
- "No you don't, you want to know why then make me change my mind. So you can feel better"  
- "That's not true!"  
- "Yes it is. But it won't happen. We are not friends, we are not even close to. Branch will get you a much better ADA who will fill Alex's shoes until she comes back", she stated angrily.  
- "Stop it! Stop belittling yourself and bring Alex in everything. Alex is gone, you are here"  
- "She will be back, sooner or later"  
- "So what?"  
- "So when she's back I will have nothing left! Don't you get it?! This job was all I had!", she yelled in Olivia's face.  
- "Casey, that's not true. You have your family, your friends …"  
- "Seen anything at the hospital Detective? Anyone asking about me? Then you figure it out, I have nothing. I…am nothing…", she whispered, facing away from Olivia, not wanting to break down in front of her.  
- "Casey, don't say that. I know it's not true", Olivia said in a neutral voice, not liking to see the woman so defeated.  
- "It's true. But you know what?", she queried facing Olivia with an evil smile "It doesn't matter, I don't care".  
- "I care"  
- "No you don't Olivia"  
- "How would you know?"  
- "Because I know you Olivia, I've seen you work these past months. You care about the victims. But I'm not one of them"  
- "No, but you are a friend"  
- "I was merely a colleague Olivia"  
- "You're part of the squad Casey, you're part of the SVU family"  
- "I'm part of nothing Olivia. I try to lock up the perverts after you guys find them. And I'm not even good at it. If Alex hadn't pushed Connors, he would be free instead of dead."  
- "There, you bring Alex in again"  
- "Because she does belong to SVU, to the family!", she exclaimed harshly.  
- "Just like you", Olivia whispered taking a step towards the young woman.

But she didn't let Olivia touch her; she recoiled until the counter was between them.  
- "You should have seen your face when she came in the office Olivia. You, Elliot. It was like kids gathered around a Christmas tree, the light in your eyes, the smiles on your faces. That's when I knew I'd never be part of the team. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked to fit in, I would never be her", she whispered.

Tears running down her pale cheeks, her eyes red, and arms crossed high on her chest, she was rocking herself.

The sight and her words made Olivia's heart break; she never realized how hard they had been on her. And the one who hurt her the most where those who knew Alex Cabot was alive and will be back someday: Elliot and herself. The detectives Casey worked the most with.

- "I'm sorry Casey", she whispered a moment later.  
"I'm so sorry", she repeated sadly, not knowing what else to say.  
- "Why would you be? There is no reason"  
- "Yes there is. We hurt you, we hurt your feelings. I didn't realise it until now"  
- "Doesn't matter Olivia, not anymore"  
- "Yes it does!"  
- "No, it doesn't! Because it's all over. End game", she breathed sadly as she made her way to her bedroom, slamming the door hard.

Olivia Benson stood there a long moment, pondering Casey's words.  
She felt empty, hollow, exhausted.

Sitting on the couch's armrest, she breathed slowly in and out, trying to calm her rapid heartbeat.

She needed to think and she didn't want to push Casey any further. It was pretty obvious that she laid in the open something she didn't intend to.  
She needed to proceed this all in her mind before facing Casey. There was no way she would let things like this between them.

Moving from the armrest to the couch itself, she sat there, staring blankly at some handwritten paper on the coffee table.

_  
Feedback is my personal drug lol  
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	14. Chapter 14

You know when I posted this story, I wasn't so sure about it. Not sure it would please anyone but me. But every single review keeps me posting.  
Oh and you have to thank CNovak929 for pushing me to publish it when I had this nasty writer's block a couple weeks ago.

Now let's see if we learn about a little more about Casey's behavior.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
7 March - 01:55 pm_

- "Going to stay here all year? If you are interested, the place is for sale"

Casey's pissed off voice took her out of her haze. Looking up, she saw her standing by her side, arms crossed. She had changed from pyjamas into a pair of worn out jeans and white jersey shirt. Her hair in a tight ponytail, bare of any makeup, she looked barely twenty-five.

- "You okay?", Olivia queried.

She might look fine but she couldn't take her mind off the image of Casey yesterday night, slumped by her door. Nor when she hadn't enough strength to take a bath by herself.

- "When are you going?", she asked again, her tone harsh.

- "I don't intend to", Olivia stood up, matching her tone and posture.

- "Then we have a problem here Detective"

- "Yes, I believe we do"

"Did you honestly think I was going to leave like that?"

- "I hoped yes. I hoped you were mature enough to just drop it. Guess I've been wrong"

- "I'd if you had been honest with me"

- "I have been! Now leave!"

- "And I say no way. Not before you told me what you left aside"

- "I told you why. You want me to humiliate myself all over again?"

- "You didn't humiliate yourself Novak, I'm glad you made me see how wrong we behaved towards you. But that doesn't explain everything. That doesn't explain why you want to commit suicide. If Alex' return was what bothered you, you'd go through treatments and request an other position from Branch. You wouldn't let yourself die"

- "You want to hear the whole truth?"

- "Yes"

- "Then you will leave?"

- "Yes. If it's the truth"

- "Fine. My life is empty Olivia, I have nothing to live for. No job, no family, no friends. Me dying alone won't make any difference. Me dying won't make Earth stop spinning. Why would I take a treatment that someone important needs more than my sorry ass?"

- "But you are important! And you have a job!"

- "I'm not. And I don't, not in the long-term"

- "Stop hiding behind work Novak, you have a family. What about your father and brothers? Do they know?"

- "I have no family Benson, just drop it", she grunted.

- "Looks like I hit a nerve", Olivia smirked.

- "What you hit is a dead end Benson. Now do as you promised, leave", she stated, crossing to the door and opening it.

- "I will", she promised, shoving her hands into her pockets.

- "You are", Casey corrected.

- "Ok I am. Once you have answered a single question"

- "Olivia…", Casey warned her.

- "A single question Casey, that's all I'm asking from you. Answer it honestly, no subterfurge and I'm gone"

- "Yeah right. Like I'm gonna believe you. You said the same thing earlier but you are still here", she shrugged.

- "So…?", Olivia pressured her, ignoring the interruption.

- "Fine, ask away", she gave in, wanting Olivia to leave her alone and get out of her apartment. For good.

Moving closer to the young woman, Olivia stood facing her a moment before questioning her:

- "If you had no family like you claim to Casey Novak, what's that?", she questioned, a finger pointed towards the coffee table. "What's that list on the table?"

Crossing to the table, Olivia took the list harshly then came back to stand right in front of Casey, only a couple inches separating them. So close, she'd feel her laboured breathing on her face.

- "Tell me Case. You have no family, but what's written on this?", she interrogated her, shoving the paper right under her nose.

When Casey didn't, she read the list outloud:

"Dad, Simon, Simon's daughter, Eric's wife…. For someone who doesn't have a family, you have a rather long list Novak. Sixteen, I counted", she smirked.

Casey didn't respond, she was watching Olivia with a look of pure hate and fury, her eyes shooting daggers, jaw grit, nostrils flaring.

- "Go out Benson", she growled through clenched teeth "Just fucking go"

- "Answer my question first Novak", she argued back, not flinching, not stepping back.

- "I don't have to"

- "Yes, we made a deal. Or are you just afraid that …"

- "That list is a farewell one Detective. Easter eggs deliveries since it's that time of the year"

- "To your family", she insisted.

- "Yes, the family I once had", she yelled, fresh tears welling up in her eyes. "The one who doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, the one I deceived so much, the one I hurt so deeply, they can't bear to think I ever existed, let alone care if I'm dying"

Her fight against the tears lost, feeling them running down her cheeks in rivers, she went on

"Happy?"

- "No, of course not", Olivia whispered as she gathered the young woman in her arms.

Casey fought her hard, trying to push her away, grabbing at her clothes, tearing the material. But Olivia was much more powerful and she had not much difficulty keeping her in her arms.

Emotionally drained, physically exhausted, Casey Novak dissolved in heart-breaking painful tears, burying her face in Olivia's neck, holding onto her for dear life.

_  
Feedback, feedback, make me post faster :D  
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	15. Chapter 15

Okay I usually don't do this, but since the next chapter is rather short, you get two chapters the same day :D  
It's funny how addicted I became to every review, it's great to see the same persons following the story chapter by chapter, and new ones as well.  
A huge thank you to every of you, reviewer but although reader. Don't be shy to post review, good or bad, I promise I don't bite :p

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_Casey Novak's apartment  
8 March - 03:02 am_

Craddling her face in her hands, Olivia Benson sighed deeply.

In her bedroom, Casey was still sound asleep. Or so she made her believe, her trained ears didn't miss the uneven breathing. She was playing asleep although she had been awake for the last three hours. Olivia didn't know what to do. Confront her and risk an other physical argument? Drop it and leave her some space? It was hard to choose. After all, she had already learnt a lot those past 24 hours, she might not push her luck.

Like it was any luck.

Part of her, the selfish one, told her she shouldn't have pushed Casey, she wouldn't have learned anything.  
The other part, the cop, the woman, thought it was much better this way, at least she had ground to work on.  
But work for what?

From what she had read in Casey's file, her condition was serious and even if she went though treatments now, that wouldn't mean she'd recover fully. There was no guarantee.

She was due to work in a couple hours and she didn't know how she would. She was exhausted.

After falling apart in her arms, Casey finally fell asleep in them. Knowing full well that moving would mean waking her, Olivia let them slide to the floor, keeping the younger woman in the safety of her arms. And she waited. Pating her hair and back, she waited until she couldn't stand it anymore, until her back screamed with so much pain that she had to move.

Thus she decided to stand, taking Casey with her, gripping her teeth as pain shot through her back. Of course the movment rose Casey but instead of waking up fully, she mumbled incoherently and buried her face further into Olivia's neck as her arms looped around it.

Olivia was relieved, and she wondered briefly if she shouldn't have done it earlier.  
She sent the annoying thought to the back of her head and went to Casey's bedroom, intending to tug her in. Although she had to reconsider her plan as Casey tightened her arms around her neck as she bent to depose her on her bed.  
It took her quite some times, not to mention more pain in her back, to succeed.

In the end, she tugged Casey in but kept her wam hand safely in hers, the only way for the younger woman not to wake up.

Hours later, Casey let go of it as she rolled around, facing away from her.  
Olivia waiting a couple minutes more, making sure her absence wouldn't rose her before retreating to the living room.

Once alone, there were only dark thoughts to face.

_  
Feedback, feedback, I live for feedback :)  
_


	16. Chapter 16

3 updates per day? I don't think so! lol  
But I'm sooo happy about the reviews, makes my day every morning to get notifications and read them :)

Now let's see where Liv could get helpful advice...

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

_SVU's squad room  
12 March - 08:16 am_

- "Where's Olivia?", Don Cragen asked as he entered the deserted squad room.  
- "Late… again", Detective Elliot Stabler smirked, looking up at him from his desk.  
- "Where is she?"  
- "I have no idea but it's the third time this week Captain"  
- "I don't need you to remind me Elliot", he answered icely.  
"Send her in my office the minute she arrives', he instructed before retreating to his office and shutting the door.

Detective Olivia Benson entered the 1-6 squad room a quarter later.  
She was late and the second she laid eyes on her partner, she knew she was in trouble.  
He didn't say anything, just pointed his finger in direction of the Captain's office with a smile.  
- "Busted", she thought.

Taking a deep calming breath, she knocked onto the door.  
When she came in, she knew she was in trouble, Captain Don Cragen wearing a rather pissed off smile.  
- "Close the door. Take a seat", he instructed sternly.

Once she was sitting on the chair, across his desk, he went on with a low voice:  
- "Is everything alright Olivia?", he queried.  
- "Yes, why?", she decided to play it safe and not say too much, not knowing what this meeting was all about. Maybe it had nothing to do with her being late .. again …  
- "You seem pretty distracted lately", he stated.  
- "Well I've had to handle a couple things outside from work …"  
- "…which are interfering with your job Olivia, third time this week that you are late and we are only Thursday!"  
- "Well I…", she didn't know how to get herself out of this without exposing Casey.  
- "Olivia, I don't know what's going on but you have been acting strange since Alex came back, since Casey was shot. Maybe you should talk to Georges", he offered gently.  
- "No!", she countered a little too harshly.  
"I mean no need to, I'm fine", she added quickly.  
- "Then what? Got a boyfriend? Playing cards at nights?", he ventured.  
- "No, nothing like that Captain. I assure you, everything's fine"  
- "Doesn't look like it. Look at yourself Olivia, you are dead tired"  
- "Captain, I'm fine, really"  
- "Olivia, SVU is one big family, if there is anything we can do…"  
- "No, I doubt it Sir", she chuckled.  
- "Then get yourself together before I have to take actions!", he snaped angrily, mad that Olivia wouldn't open to him. She clearly had something on her mind and Elliot knew nothing about it, which was a first.  
- "I will", she promised, standing.

As she reached the door, her hand on its knob, she turned around and faced him:  
- "I'm sorry Captain, I wish I could say anything, but I can't, I made a promise", she admitted, her eyes fixed on the floor.

Rising from his desk, he went to her side, laying a hand on her shoulder  
- "Olivia, off the record, if something is bothering you, you know you can come to me"  
- "I know Captain and I'm very grateful for that but, it… I'm not the only concerned here and well …."  
- "… other person involved wouldn't accept you talking to anyone about it, right?"  
- "Yes", she admitted in a low voice.  
- "Then what about hypothetical theories then?", he offered.  
- "Captain …", she interrupted him, although she was tempted.

What harm would be done if Casey's name wasn't mentioned?

She sure as hell could use some advice, at a loss of what to do with the younger woman.  
She was doing her best to help her, to comfort her, spending her nights at her place, but so far she hadn't succeded in getting her to see her doctor, even less consider any treatment.

- "Olivia, you are a great cop, a good friend. Whatever you're going through with that person, I'm sure it will help to talk about it. Hypothetically"  
- "Ok", she whispered.

They took their place back in their respective chairs.  
For a moment Olivia didn't talk, not knowing how to present this, and Don Cragen didn't push her.

- "I have this friend. She… she is .. well she's not really a close friend but it's really someone I appreciate. Lately she's been sick and I discovered it by accident. Her condition is serious but she refuses any treatment!", she snapped, once more infuriated by Casey's attitude.  
- "Did you ask her why?"  
- "Yes"  
- "Then …"  
- "We argued and fought", she chuckled, remembering their fight in Casey's bedroom a week ago.  
- "That's where the bruises come from", he stated calmly.

Surprised, she looked up to see him smiling. She didn't think he noticed.  
- "Make up doesn't cover everything Olivia, you should know that"  
- "You didn't ask anything"  
- "No but I've watched you from a distance"  
- "Oh … ok"  
- "Did it help?"  
- "Kind of. I refused to leave her place until she told me why she refused to see a doctor about it. We had a huge fight and … well I learned a couple things about her I never would have imagined. I had no idea we hurt her so much, how insecure she was about her place in special victims. She feels it's just a matter of time before Alex returns and claims back her job."  
- "Well it's a possibility. Now that everyone knows that Alexandra Cabot is alive, there is a great chance she will claim her job once it's safe to come back. Casey's assumption is right"  
- "Maybe but …. Wait, why are you talking about Casey??", she exclaimed.  
- "You mentioned Alex' replacement, doesn't take long to figure out who you were talking about", he whispered.

When he felt she was ready to bolt out the room, he shhhed her:  
- "Olivia, don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone. This conversation won't come out of this room. You have my word"

Olivia just sat there, dumbfounded and mad at herself for exposing Casey's secret.  
But since Casey's name was out, she vowed to make a better job with her sickness.

- "She claims she has nothing to expect from life: no job, no family, no friend"  
- "Someone like her?"  
- "Yes"  
- "I doubt it. She's smart, intelligent, even witty when she doesn't cover it"  
- "See, I found that list of easter eggs to buy and send. She said it was a 'farewell list" to her family. That her family would rather see her dead!"  
- "I don't understand"  
- "Me neither and she refuse to talk to me about it. Everytime I brush the subject, she changes it"  
- "And you feel it's where everything stands?"  
- "Yes"  
- "Then I guess if Casey isn't talking, you would have to find your responses somewhere else", he began.  
- "What do you mean?", she queried although she had a pretty good idea.  
- "Olivia, it takes two to start a fight. If Casey refuses to talk, and you feel unravelling this mess will help, you should go to her family and get answers"  
- "I can't, it's her personal life"  
- "Olivia, is her sickness life-threatening?"  
- "Yes", she admitted, her voice catching in her throat.  
- "Then I don't see what's stopping you. If anything happens to Casey, you will have to live with this the rest of your life"  
- "I know but still it's crossing one hell of a line"  
- "Olivia, Casey told you that much…"  
- "…only because I really pushed her"  
- "Right but still she told you and from what I gather she still accepts you around her, right?"  
- "Yes, I spend most of my nights there. That's why I'm late; I have to head over to my place before coming here. I'm sorry"  
- "Don't be, it's perfectly understandable now. Ever thought of overnight bag?", he joked which brought a smile on Olivia's lips.  
"Com'on Olivia, you feel as much as I do that the answers lay in Casey's past, you have to dig there. As a friend."  
- "She might not like it"  
- "No need to make it to the headlines, gather your informations then see what you can make out of them"  
- "You are right", she nodded. "Thank you Captain"  
- "You are very welcome", he smiled.  
"Is … will she make it?"  
- "Captain I can't tell you about her sickness, I promised"  
"But if she doesn't get through any treatment, she won't make it to the end of this year", she breathed in a very low voice.

_  
Feedback, I just love feedback... so should I go on?? mystery, mystery...  
_


	17. Chapter 17

Thank you for the reviews, I take note of everything, and you're right I'd have Don react a little more :p  
As for Casey loosing her job because of Alex' return, well that's a possibility no? I mean they can't keep 2 ADA in the same unit. But that gives me an idea to explore that later on. So a huge thank you! :)

Okay, that's the chapter many of you have been waiting for... and I'm way nervous now! :)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_New Jersey  
15 March - 03:30 pm_

- "Mr Novak?", she queried flashing her badge  
- "Yes"  
- "I'm Detective Benson with NYPD. May I have a word with you?"  
- "Of course", he responded amiably letting her in  
"Detective, what can I do for you? Sorry about the mess, I just came back from South Africa"

Olivia studied him a split second as they went to the living room: Casey definitely looked like her father, the same fire burned in their green eyes, the same features. But her nose was not, probably from her mother.

- "I went to talk to you about your daughter, Casey Ann Novak"

She saw him stiff, all his posture turning iron.

- "You must be making a mistake Detective, I have no daughter"  
- "5'10, strawberry blond hair, roman nose, fiery green eyes, world class softball player"  
- "And I say I have no daughter Detective. I think you should leave"  
- "Mr Novak, your daughter, Casey, is sick. She's been shot at the courthouse. She's fine but medical exams show a growth and…"  
- "Get out Detective", he almost yelled  
- "Mr Novak I have to insist! Your daughter…", she went on just the same, matching his tone.  
- "My daughter died years ago!"  
- "Mr Novak listen to me!"  
- "You're walking a fine line here Detective, don't cross it!"  
- "Like hell I am! Your daughter is…"  
- "Dead! I don't want to hear anything about her!"  
- "She's probably got cancer and refuses any treatment!"  
- "She always did what she wanted to anyway"  
- "Mr Novak, I don't know what happened in the past but if Casey doesn't get treatment this will kill her!"  
- "Com'on, most cancers are curable now!"  
- "Not without treatment at all! It's killing her!"  
- "I don't care!"  
- "Yes you do Mr Novak or you'd have thrown me out the second I told you why I was here"  
- "Oh you a psy now?", he sneered  
- "No I'm not but in my line of work I get to see destroyed, damaged families"  
- "My family isn't destroyed Detective!"  
- "You say your daughter is dead Mr Novak, although she lives only a 2 hours drive from here, doesn't seem healthy to me! She has three brothers who haven't heard from her in years, she might have nieces and cousins she have never met!"  
- "She has 5", he replied nodding at the pictures scattered on the piano, but none was of Casey.  
- "You bastard"  
- "Detective how dare you?!"  
- "I'm sorry Sir. But…Casey won't fight this because she feels like she has nothing left in life. Like she's not worth any treatment. And I can only assume it's because of something that happened in her past", she said, forcing her voice to a lower tone. Yelling at each other wouldn't lead them anywhere.

Turning to the window, Mr Novak looked out the garden, wondering if he'd say anything to that stranger. True she was a friend to Casey but he didn't know her.

Should the hurt, the pain caused by Casey make him turn his back to any stranger?  
- "Did she tell you that once she was engaged?"  
- "Yes to a guy named Charlie, they were in law school"  
- "Charlie was a great guy, they loved each other deeply, he made Casey happy like I never saw her"  
- "Mr Novak…"

Finally he turned to Olivia, tears glistering in his eyes.  
- "Then he changed, his behaviour totally erratic, unpredictable"  
- "Schizophrenia, Casey told me"  
- "Then she must really trust you Detective Benson, because she never told anyone. She just shut everyone out after breaking up with Charlie"  
- "Mr Novak, I don't understand. What does he have to do with all this?"  
- "Casey was pregnant", he let out in a barely audible voice  
- "But she …"  
- "She had an abortion. We found out once it was too late, she had already killed her unborn child"  
- "Is this what it's all about?", she couldn't understand.  
"A broken family because of an abortion!? In this century? Do you think it was easy for her? Learning that Charlie was suffering of schizophrenia? She was pregnant with his child and they wouldn't get married! How could you turn your back to her?"  
- "I told her it killed her mom", he admitted in a low voice  
- "What??", she felt anger rushing back in her veins  
- "I'm not proud of it Detective. Her mom died shortly after and I used that as an excuse to blame her instead of facing the truth: she was killed by a drunk driver. I told her if she hadn't been disappointed by her actions, she'd have seen it, that she'd still be alive. I forbid Casey to come to her funeral. She left and never came back"  
- "Like she knew she'd be welcomed!? Do you have any idea of the damages you caused? No wonder she doesn't trust anyone, feels like she's an outsider. She feels like she belongs nowhere!"  
- "She trusts you Detective. Otherwise she wouldn't have told you about Charlie"  
- "And this trust will fly right out the window if she ever finds out I came here"  
- "She won't learn it from me", his remark brought her back to the reason of her presence.  
- "Mr Novak I know it's asking a lot, but is there any way to repair this?"  
- "Detective"  
- "Olivia"  
- "Det … Olivia, I doubt it can happen. She will never forgive me for what I did to her. I've been so harsh and immature with her"  
- "Mr Novak, there is only one way to it: do you want to see your daughter again?", she asked, mentally crossing her fingers that he'd give her the right answer, the one she came here for. The one who would mean life for Casey. Life, or at least treatment.  
- "I… I don't know. I doubt she…"  
- "That's not what I'm asking Mr Novak. Do you want to see your daughter again or not?"  
- "Yes", he admitted in a voice that couldn't even be qualified as a whisper.  
- "Then it's settled"

Smiling, she turned on her heels, heading to the door.

- "I'll contact you shortly Mr Novak"  
- "But how? I mean how would you?"  
- "I'm a cop remember? All I'm asking from you is to trust me; and we'll make it all right for Casey"  
- "She's lucky to have a friend like you Olivia"  
- "I'm the lucky one Mr Novak, she's a great person"  
- "I know", he hang out his head in shame. "Olivia?"  
- "Yes?"  
- "How is she?", he finally asked the question burning his lips.

That stopped Olivia in her tracks.

Shrugging, not turning to face him, she responded in a shallow voice  
- "Waiting for death to claim her" and she was gone.

* * *

_Feedback, please do not hesitate to give feedback, any kind of feedback... because now the mystery is out! :p_


	18. Chapter 18

Wow that's all I can think of when reading you reviews, thank you so much. Now I'm the one who's gonna cry.  
I'm soooo glad the last sentence from the last chapter did its trick, in fact it was one of the first things I wrote on this chapter, I actually had to write everything so this sentence would remain right at the end :)  
I'm sorry but Casey's dad is gonna make a return in the fic.. and very very soon, but don't worry Liv is here to watch over our favorite ADA _evil grin_

Now, time for some C/O moments... _grin_

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_SVU's squad room  
4 April -03:42 pm_

They were all gathered around the white board, trying to find a lead on a serial rapist when Olivia's cell phone vibrated at her waist.  
Frowning at the non-disclosed caller ID, Olivia picked up her phone. She promised Casey, and her father, to be available if anything happened.

- "Benson"  
"Yes, speaking"  
Her frown shot skywards as she listened to her correspondent.  
- "Where? What's your address?", she requested, grabbing her leather jacket, putting it on as she was cradling the phone between her shoulder and jaw.  
- "No, no need for an ambulance. I'm on my way, I'll be right there!"

As she set it back in place and headed to the door, she was surprised to see Elliot standing in the hallway, blocking her path. Puzzled, she gave him a hard look but didn't stop. Neither did he move, so a minute later they were standing nose to nose.

- "Where do you think you are going? We have an investigation to lead", he smirked.  
- "It's none of your business Elliot, you are not the squad's Captain. Now back off", she countered.  
- "And I say: what …", he was interrupted by Don Cragen's arrival.  
- "What's going on here?"  
- "I have to go Cap'tain, an emergency", she said turning her attention to him. She didn't need to explain herself, they had this mutual agreement: emergency was their code meaning Casey, and Casey meant that she'd leave in a hurry. Anytime.  
- "Go Olivia, I'll keep you updated if we find anything"  
- "Thank you Cap'tain", she nodded before heading out.  
Turning to Elliot he went on: "Now go back to work Detective"  
- "But …?"  
- "Elliot, it's a private matter, thus none of your business. We have a rapist to catch"

It only took Olivia a quarter to reach the store.  
As expected, Pat Skipper, the mid-aged man who ran it was waiting for her outside.  
Luckily at this hour, it was almost empty and closing the fitting rooms held no difficulties. Given the circumstances, the store owner promised to refund anything that wouldn't fit.

- "Miss Benson?"  
- "Yes, I'm Detective Benson with NYPD. Tell me what happened", she queried as she followed him towards the back of the store.  
- "I don't really know. Sheryl was handling this lady's Easter eggs' order and she freaked out when she began shivering and sweating. Looks like she had a very hard time standing. So she called me. I barely made it to the counter before she almost fainted right there. I wanted to help her to the ladies' restroom but she refused. When I offered to call an ambulance, she panicked and retreated to the nearby fitting rooms. Then she gave me your card".  
- "No light on?", she remarked as they reached their destination.  
- "She switched them off. None of us did, it's…".  
- "Don't worry Sir, I believe you. Sometimes her migraines are so bad she can't stand any light or noise."  
- "But what about the shivering? The sweating? She almost fainted"  
- "A nasty side effect. Don't worry, it's okay", she assured him.  
"Now if you would excuse me", she apologized, pretty eager to join Casey and drive her home.  
- "Of course Detective. Take your time, I hope your friend feels better", Mr Skipper nodded and went to assist a nearby customer.

As she entered the fitting rooms, Olivia could hear muffled cries coming from the stall at the far end. Reaching it in long strides, she didn't knock, knowing full well that any noise would only aggravate Casey's condition.

Opening the stall just a crack, she glanced inside and as she expected, found Casey sitting on the floor, rocking herself slowly.  
It was becoming a sad habit to see her this way. A habit she didn't like. A habit she wanted to stop.

Kneeling in front of her friend, Olivia laid a hand on her shoulder, not sure if she heard her coming in or not. Usually when migraines hit her that bad, each noise was intensified a thousand times and she had a very hard time blocking it all.

Today was no different since as soon as she laid her hand on her shoulder, Casey looked up at her through half closed teary eyes.  
- "Liv, it hurts so much", she whimpered before laying her head back on her bent knees, pressing her hands against her ears.  
- "I know sweetheart", she whispered back "I'm taking you home then you will rest".  
- "I'm…sorry for dragging you here. I…I didn't know what to do".  
- "Casey it's okay. You did the right thing, I told you to call me anytime".  
- "But I… you are not…".  
- "Case, anytime. Day or night. You call me and I'll be right there", she vowed "Think you can stand?"  
- "I… I'm not sure. Help me?", she queried, averting Olivia's eyes.  
- "Sure thing", she responded with a smile, grabbing her hands and helping her stand.

They went to her car parked right in front of the store with Olivia holding tightly Casey against herself and leading the way. Head bent, the younger woman was doing her best not to look up, this migraine was the worst she did have in a very long time and any noise or light was burning into her head. She felt dizzy and nauseous.

Not trusting her stomach, Casey settled in the backseat. The ride back to her place was silent, Olivia being extra careful not to jostle her. Gazing into the rear view mirror, she found Casey curled up in a ball, taking deep breaths, eyes tight shut.  
It was painful to see her ghostly skin with heavy bags under her eyes.  
And she definitively had lost some more weight, her sex crimes jersey and matching pants really baggy.

- "We are almost there", she whispered, more to make her feel her presence than anything. She got no response, not that she did really expect one.

She had no difficulty finding a place near the building's entrance. It was rather early and workers weren't heading home yet. She helped Casey out of the car and looped her arm around her waist once more. As they rode the elevator, Casey fought back the urge to cover her ears to block the noise. She knew it would be useless. Instead, she moved a little closer to Olivia.

As Casey excused herself to use the bathroom, Olivia went to shut all curtains in the bedroom, making sure no ray of light would trouble her. On autopilot, Casey entered the room and went right to bed, not even caring that she went to bed fully clothed, pants, sneakers and all.  
Olivia decided not to intervene; she just sat next to her and draped an extra blanket over her. Sliding her hand in hers, she hoped to bring her some comfort. She noticed that Casey was back to take deep breaths, surely to block the nauseous feeling. They both knew it wouldn't help and Olivia prayed she would fall asleep soon. Sleep was the only way to get away from this kind of pain.  
Painkillers would only aggravate the situation, she was far too much in pain, no way would her stomach allow anything in.

Minutes later, Casey shifted around until her head rested on Olivia's thighs. She was surprised but didn't pull back. Quite the contrary as she deepened the physical contact. Brushing errands hair off her feverish forehead, she moved her hand to Casey's lower back, rubbing it gently.

Not before long, Casey fell into a much-needed sleep.

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_So, what do you think?_


	19. Chapter 19

Hello wonderful readers and reviewers! I'm sorry for the lack of update but your wonderful reviews fueled my muse to add a couple chapters.  
No worries, we are safe for like 10 chapters now.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
4 April -07:03 pm_

- "Casey, we can't keep doing this", Olivia stated as she was leaning against Casey's bedroom doorjamb, arms crossed.

The room was dark but she knew the young woman was awake.

No response...

- "Casey, don't pretend you didn't hear me"

Minutes ticked by before a shallow whisper reached her ears.  
- "I shouldn't have brought you here"

Stepping in, Olivia Benson sat on the matress, her eyes adjusting slowly to the room's darkness. Once she did, she took Casey's hand in hers, her skin damn hot, she was still feverish.

- "I said we Casey, you were perfectly right to call me. I told you to call me anytime"  
- "But ..."

She interrupted her with a gentle squeeze of her hand.  
- "All I'm saying is that it hurts to see you like this. And I, well I can't decide for you of course but ..."  
- "But you want me to get treatment", Casey finished for her.  
- "Yes", she breathed with an other squeeze to emphasize her point.  
- "I can't", the young woman responded befor rolling over and standing.

Stretching, she was about to reach the bathroom room when Olivia blocked her path.  
Observing each other neither spoke for a moment.  
- "Do you mind me using my bathroom?", Casey querried softly, her eyes now fixed to the floor ; she couldn't stand Olivia's gaze anymore.  
- "Of course not", Olivia conceded as she moved aside.

Half an hour later, Casey emerged from the bathroom.

With its double access, she could either use the door that gave in the corridor or retreat back to her room.

She decided option 2 was the best. Well only for a second when she found Olivia sitting at the foot of her bed, a cup of coffee cradled in her hands.  
- "I can't", she said before sitting by Olivia's side.  
"Why Casey? I don't get it why do you refuse?", Olivia querried, a hint of despair in her voice.  
- "The coffee", Casey nodded at the steamy cup "I can't drink coffee anymore"

Puzzled, Olivia looked down at the cup in her hands, adding two and two to follow Casey's thinking.  
- "Epilepsia", Casey added with a shrug.  
- "Excuse me?", Olivia asked to so gently as she turned to face Casey.  
- "I... I had an epileptic fit", she explained, her eyes downcast.  
"That's how they knew, well discovered about ...", she couldn't finish her sentence.

She had refused to say the word from the very beginning.  
- "The meningiome", Olivia finished for her.

Casey nodded before going on :  
- "That's why I was barely back to work when the whole story that brought Alex back started. It took some times to point out its source. After all, it could have been a consequence of the second attack", she breathed, bitting on her lower lip nervously.  
- "Why didn't you say anything?", Olivia querried, tears welling up in her eyes.  
- "To coworkers? I don't think so", Casey responded in an icy voice.  
- "Is that all we are to you?", the detective accused her on the same icy tone.  
- "Yes. Besides, it's the truth, no?"  
- "No it's..."  
- "Friends don't keep secrets that huge Detective", she went on, emphazing the use of her fonction.  
- "Casey, we had no choice! Playing dead was Alex's life insurance!", she exclaimed.  
- "Still you could have told me before I made a total ass of myself in Court!"  
- "You didn't! How could you? We didn't tell you she was alive!"  
- "Exactly", Casey said in a low voice, standing and walking to the living room where she sat heavily on the couch.

Minutes later used to collect her thoughts, Olivia Benson joined her.

- "It wasn't a good idea', she said softly.  
- "What?"  
- "Me calling you. I..."  
- "I didn't change my mind Casey"  
- "Well I did"  
- "Casey..."  
- "Olivia please. I appreciate your concern and help but in all honestly, you will be wasting your time. And it's far too valuable to waste"  
- "With you?"

Casey only nodded.

- "First of all, I'd like for you to me judge of that. Second, I made you a promise: to be here whenever you need me"  
- "I still don't understand"  
- "What?"  
- "Why you are doing this?", she gestured between them.  
- "Because I care for you. And eventhought you disagree, I consider you a friend Casey Ann Novak"  
- "And you still hope I will change my mind"  
- "That's right, but the decision is yours to make. And as much as I hate it, I've to accept that"  
- "Are you?", she wondered outloud.

Olivia shrugged that that.  
- "Honestly? I don't Casey. But I although know that you're a grown woman perfectly capable of taking her decision"

Both women fell silent a long time before Olivia spoke up:  
- "Casey ... what were you doing in that store?"  
- "Egg's order. I'll probably have to find an other store, they must think I'm some kind of junkie", she smirked.  
- "Not at all. I told the owner you were sick", when alarm shot in green eyes she shhhed her "told him you suffered from acute migraines. Your secret is safe with me Casey"  
- "Thanks", she apologized wondering how a second ago she thought the Detective would reveal her secret to any stranger.  
- "You're welcome"  
"If you want, I can return there and complete your order. Except if you want to deliver them yourself...", she tried.  
- "Olivia..."  
- "Well you can't say I didn't try..."  
- "Don't waste your time Olivia , it'll be pointless"  
- "Ok", she conceded while giving Casey's shoulder a squeeze. "but you know as much as I do that forgiveness is not that hard to get sometimes"

At that, Casey shrugged but said nothing.  
If Olivia knew the kind of person she really was, she'd be long gone.

Standing, Olivia Benson took a long look down at the younger woman who was fidgeting with the pink blanket she had wrapped over her legs.

Deciding that a change of subject was her best option at that time, she asked softly

- "How do japanese delivery sound?"

When Casey looked up at her with concern written in green eyes, she reassured her with a smile  
- "Well you brought me here Case, time to feed that athlet's body", she joked puffing her chest in a very manly way, which made them both burst out laughing.

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_You know you want to review right? lol  
_


	20. Chapter 20

Hmmm next chapter is a little anguish, I'm raising the "some might cry' flag.  
This chapter is actually one of my favorite 5. Let's hope some will like it too.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
9 April -01:22 pm_

- "Casey it's Olivia"  
- "Go away!"  
- "Please, open the door"  
- "No"  
- "Casey, let me in"  
- "No"  
- "Honey, please let me in"  
- "I let you in and you betrayed me!"  
- "I know and…"  
- "No you don't know Olivia. I fucking trusted you!"  
- "I kn… Casey, open the door so we can talk"  
- "And I say no! One might think a Detective would understand a single word!"  
- "And one might think an ADA would be using more vocabulary", the second the words left her lips, she regretted them.  
- "Ex ADA, I'm not anymore! You'd know that by now!"  
- "Casey…"  
- "Just fucking leave me alone!"

Sighing, Olivia turned to Casey's father who was standing by her side.  
- "Mr Novak, you should go", said Olivia in a low voice as she resumed her knocking on the door.

She was sad that it didn't go smoothly but she had to get Casey out of her bedroom. She didn't know how, or how long it would take, and she didn't wish for her father to be around.  
Her first try at reuniting the Novak's family was a total disaster.

- "You go too!", came Casey's angry voice.  
- "Casey … baby …", Olivia pleaded with her, knowing full well that she broke the young woman trust. She wowed to protect her and she ended up hurting her feelings badly. She knew it wouldn't be easy but the look of utter fear and pain in her green eyes as she was slamming the door shut, told Olivia how much she hurt her. And of that she wasn't proud.  
- "Don't you baby me Detective", she retorted gasping "just goddamn leave!", she yelled as she began coughing. That made Olivia's heart reel.  
- "Casey honey, calm down. Please just calm down…", she pleaded through tears, still trying to open the damn door.  
- "Don't you…dare…gi…giving me…or…orders Detective", she articulated with growing difficulties.  
- "I'm not Casey. Please Case, honey, just calm down", she went on, rasping her fingers against the wooden frame, as if she could reach and smooth Casey this way.  
- "Will you just go!", she yelled louder this time.  
- "Casey, you have to calm down. In, out, slowly. Remember. Just breath slowly sweetheart".

A strangled cry followed by a long coughing fit, and then everything went silent in the apartment.  
Casey's yells and coughs, everything was gone. Only Olivia's harsh breathing resounded.

Fearing the worst, Olivia Benson slammed her shoulder against the door, not caring what might happen; all her attention focused on getting inside. The sudden lack of noise from Casey's side couldn't mean anything good.

- "Casey, open the door!", she shouted, slamming her shoulder again.

Still no response.

As she stopped to massage her aching shoulder, Mr Novak took over and launched himself hard against the door. It opened with a loud crack. Seconds later, Olivia entered the empty bedroom. She turned beyond frantic when she noticed traces of blood on the bedspread. Out of habit, she checked the open window before noticing the bathroom's door was closed. Leaning her hear against it, she could decipher muffled cries and gasps, and Casey's laborious respiration.

- "Casey, it's Olivia, please open up", she requested gently.

When she got no answer, she tried the doorknob.

She sighed with relief when it turned easily in her hand.  
But her relief didn't last long at what she saw when entering the bathroom.

Casey was slumped on the bathroom's floor, sideways to the bathtub, an arm looped around her waist, the other flat on the bathtub side, her forehead resting against the cool tile. Looked like her body didn't have enough strength to carry her to the toilet. A high scent of bile and blood filed the air.  
Crouching by her, Olivia craddled her face in her hands, gasping when taking in Casey's appearance: her hair dishevelled, bloodshot and watery eyes, a thin layer of sweat covering her skin, trickle of blood running from the corner of her mouth, traces of it mixed with saliva on her white top.

When their eyes met, she barely acknowledged Olivia's presence, her protest weak.  
- "Why can't you just go", she whimpered before falling forward, her head lulling on her chest, the top of it resting now on Olivia's shoulder. Instantly, Olivia wrapped her arms around her shoulders, holding her close, rocking her.  
- "I'm so sorry honey", she whispered, renewed tears running down her reddened cheeks.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mr Novak about to enter the room, shock written all over his features. Raising her hand, she caught his eyes and shook her head, indicating him clearly not to enter. He hesitantly nodded before taking a step back into the bedroom. A minute later, she heard the distinct noise of material; surely he was taking off the soiled bedspread.

She addressed a silent thank you for his comprehension. It couldn't be easy for him to see his daughter like this. Even if they argued in the past, broke any contact for years, and he claimed a month ago that his daughter was dead, she was still his only daughter. And he coming today proved that he meant what he told her: he wanted to be part of his daughter's life again. He wanted her to live.  
At least, he now realised that she didn't lie to him, that Casey's condition was beyond serious.

Returning her attention back to Casey, she made her stand; an arm around her waist, Casey's arm around her own shoulder, she half carried her to the open bed, laying her on the now clean sheets.  
Her father was nowhere to be seen. An other good thing. In her state, it wouldn't have made much difference to Casey but she couldn't take the risk.

The young woman was indeed totally out.

Once Casey was settled in bed, cleaned and had fallen asleep, Olivia joined her father in the living room. He was standing by the window, his back to her. She thought he was crying but when he whipped round, she realized he was shivering from anger, not from tears.

- "Why didn't you call an ambulance?", he accused her.  
- "Mr Novak, I understand you are upset but…"  
- "Upset? Did you see what I just did? She can barely stand; she was coughing blood for God's sake!"  
- "Mr Novak, calm down, or you will wake her up."  
- "I don't care; I want an ambulance right now! She needs to go to the hospital"  
- "No", she breathed.  
- "Excuse me?", he asked, now standing right in front of her.  
- "Mr Novak, getting Casey to the hospital won't do any good. She's already terrified. All they'll do is put her under oxygen and re-hydrate her. That I know how to do"  
- "You are not a Doctor! You don't know what she needs!"  
- "I've stood by her side for the last month; this isn't the first time this happens. It's pretty scary but she'll be fine once fully rested. Now I'll ask you to leave"  
- "No way, I just get here. I want to talk to her"  
- "Mr Novak, she went to sleep begging me that you wouldn't be here when she wakes up. I won't break any more promise today", she responded, her tone not leaving him much choice.

Grabbing his jacket, he went to the door which Olivia had already opened.  
- "Mr Novak, I'm sorry about all this. I didn't think it'd go so wrong"  
- "Well, I now know where things stand, she doesn't want us in her life anymore"  
- "It goes beyond that. Casey doesn't want this life at all. She just wants it to end"  
- "I did so much damage, I never thought it would come to this."  
- "We will try some other time. Trust me"  
- "That's all I have left Olivia"

Turning on his heels, he left after giving Olivia a hug.

She returned it, Mr Novak was a nice man, who indeed did some mistakes, but the price he was about to pay was way too high.

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_I'm a reviews' junkie :D  
_


	21. Chapter 21

Awww I'm so glad you liked the previous chapter. You're just the best :D  
I owe you an apologize because, well my muse is really in shape these days, so I actually wrote a lot more than planned.  
But don't worry, this chapter and the next are new, then we'll be back to what I initially wrote... last year _grin_

Ohh and all mistakes are mine, this baby has never been properly beta-readed, and english is not my native language.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
9 April -04:03 pm_

Olivia sighed deeply, ruffling her hair.  
She was more tired than she thought. Actually, she was drained. Emotionally.

Thinking back of Casey's face a couple hours ago made her want to crawl under a rock, and never be found again.  
She betrayed the young woman trust, and she had no idea if she'd ever get it back. Hell, she'd be lucky if she ever talked to her again.

- "Way to go Benson", she chastised herself.

When there was a knock on Casey's front door and knowing who was behind it, she pretended to be busy washing the dishes so the young woman would be the one opening it.  
A strangled yell bought her to the front door just in time to see Casey slam her door shut. Turning on her heels, she faced Olivia but didn't say a word.  
But if eyes could kill, she would have been dead in a second.

- "Why did you do that?"

Standing from the couch, Olivia faced a very disheveled and angry Casey Novak.  
She was slowly walking into the living room, her hand using the back of the couch as a guide, and she could tell she was more than tired.  
Judging it was safer to not point that out at the moment, she just stood there, her hands aching to reach over and help Casey. Instead, she fisted them by her side.

Once she was sitting on the couch, she just stood there, unable to decide what to do.  
Casey was looking at the tv who was playing some reality show, the sound muted, her expression blank.

- "Need anything?", she queried softly, unable to stand the silence anymore.  
- "Yes", she replied softly.  
- "Anything Case", she answered quickly, glad to be of any help, and that she was actually talking to her.  
- "For you to leave", she smirked as she looked up at her, her eyes full of anger "and never come back"  
- "Casey... no...I... I cant"  
- "You can and you will Olivia. I don't want to ever see you again", she spat as she stood on shaky legs.  
"What you did today...", she didn't finish, her body shaken by a long coughing fit.

- "Here, let me help", Olivia offered as she rushed to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water.

As she reached her side, Casey jerked away with a growl.

- "Go away!", Casey screamed as she took the glass from Olivia's hand and threw it against the opposite wall.  
- "I'm not going anywhere before I'm sure you rest", Olivia tried.  
- "I wouldn't need to rest if you didn't betray me", Casey accused her as she was trying to catch her breath, hands on her knees.  
- "Casey I didn't betray you...", she tried to explain but she stopped, at the loss of word.  
- "And how do you call that? Inviting my father in my own apartment? How dared you!!", she yelled as she went to stand right in front of Olivia.  
- "He wants to be part of your life Casey!"  
- "Like hell he doesn't! And how do you know anything about us? How dare you interfere in my life like this?"  
- "Casey, all I want is help! Your father..."  
- "... prefers to see me dead than anything. I'm sure he told you that much", she said softly as she half collapsed on the couch. Olivia was right behind her, sitting by her side, not leaving her space.  
- "You're wrong! He deeply regrets his actions. He wants you to live for god's sake!"  
- "Why would he? He banned me years back!"  
- "And not a day passes by where he doesn't regret it. Casey, he loves you..."  
- "No he doesn't, he was perfectly clear about that. I was a mistake"  
- "He loves you and he wants you to live. He wants you to come back and meet your nieces and nephews..."  
- "What use would that be? Meeting the big bad Casey? The ugly monster that killed their grandma?", she spat, tears welling up in green eyes.  
- "You didn't kill your mother Casey! It was an accident! The guy was drank! Noone could have survived that!", Olivia explained not so softly. She had seen the accident's report, her mother didn't stand a chance against a drunk driver and a semi.  
- "You read the report?", Casey turned around to face Olivia, and her look of utmost anger made the Detective recoil a step back. "How dared you??"  
- "Casey I... when your father told me what happened... I..."  
- "When? When did he told you??"  
- "A month ago", Olivia responded in a low voice, squaring her shoulder for Casey's next outburst.  
- "You've known for a month?? All this time you knew and said nothing? How dare you interfere in my life like that? How dare you not asking me first?!"  
- "I had no other choice Casey! You wouldn't have agreed!', Olivia tried to explain, all of the sudden chastising her Captain for making her walk this path. No she had to be honest, he only confirmed the course of actions she already had in mind.  
- "You're damn right, I wouldn't have! It's my personal life! You had no right to intrude! You had to right to go see him in the first place!", she yelled even louder than before.  
- "I have every right Casey. You're my friend, I care about you", Olivia tried to explain but her own words sounded senseless.  
- "You really have a weird definition of friendship Olivia Benson. First Alex, now that", she breathed, her voice barely a whisper.  
"But I have to thank you. All this proves that I was right from the beginning. I shouldn't have let you in. I shouldn't have let you close", she went on in an icy voice as she rose and went to clean the mess.

As she bent to wipe the water from the carpet, she sucked in her breath, a wave of dizziness hitting her.  
She tried to fight it without success, leaning a hand against the wall for support.

Last thing she felt before darkness claimed her were Olivia's arms catching her.

* * *

_Please reviews make me post faster... that's if you want me to continue of course... :D  
_


	22. Chapter 22

Arf I'm so sorry. The previous chapter was new and I stuck myself all alone ... sigh... and I have a hard time getting this chapter written.  
I'm not particularly proud of it, but I had to make the link with the next one. Hope it's still ok.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
9 April - 06:33 pm_

Casey Novak stirred as she felt something wet on her forehead.  
Struggling to open her eyes, she blinked rapidly as she did, her senses assaulted by the light.

Looking around, she became more alert and met the Detective's brown eyes gazing down at her, worry clear in their depth.

- "What... you still here?", she querried softly. She had one hell of a headache.  
- "I'll be gone once you're rested", Olivia responded softly.  
- "Promise?"  
- "Yes, I promise Casey", Olivia vowed as she saw Casey's eyelids close.  
"You rest now"

Seconds later, Casey was back in Morpheus' arms.

Olivias sighed with relief, she dreaded Casey's wake up for the last hour.  
The second she collapsed, she had been there to catch her and decided to make her rest on the couch instead of her room. So here she had been for the last two hours or so, sitting on Casey's couch, her head on her lap, a washcloth over her forehead to try to cool her feverish state. But it wasn't really working, the young woman had been mumbling in her sleep ever since. Nothing coherent, but she could make out words like eggs, delivery or dad. Although in her state, she couldn't know if it was in a positive way or not.

Guess she'd have to wait for Casey to wake up to know.

A couple hours later, Casey woke up to find Olivia looking down at her.  
She took a moment to gather her thoughts and everything went back in a rush: the knock on her frontdoor, her father standing there, the knot in her stomach, the vicious pain in her head. Then all was blurred.

Olivia was here, looks like they were all alone so it could only mean her father left. Or did she imagine it all? Damn, she was tired of this excruciating pain turning her to some amnesic every time it hit her hard. And if Olivia's concern was any indication, that one had been pretty bad.

Sitting up, she took a moment more to steady her rapid breathing and control her nausea.  
Yup, definitivly a bad case of headache.

When Olivia's hand went to rest on her thigh, she winced inwardly, wondering briefly why her body would react that way to the caring Detective. Olivia had been nothing less than supportive and caring for her from the very beginning. She wished she had known they considered her part of their team, even a little, before she took that decision. Maybe she'd have reconsidered her options. But now it was too late, wasn't it?

Besides, as strange as it seemed, her father showing up at her doorstep was pushing her to keep the path she chose months ago.

- "How are you feeling?", Liv's gentle voice took her out of her dreamy state.  
- "Okay I guess", as her hand rose to massage her aching forehead.

Looking sideways at the older woman, she blinked as everything came back, as her mind rewinded time and her argument with the Detective flashed back in her mind.

Standing hastily, she put as much distance as possible between them and ended up in the kitchen, behind the american kitchen counter, hands flat on its top. Olivia hasn't moved at first but slowly rose from the couch, facing her from the distance.  
- "Casey...", she began but stopped in mid-sentence as she realized she didn't know what to say.  
- "I think I asked you to leave", Casey spat.  
"I don't want you here anymore"  
- "Look Casey, I know you are upset but..."  
- "I'm not upset Olivia. I'm disappointed ... you betrayed me. You knew how I felt about my father ... I... I... how could you do that?", she asked although she wasn't particularly eager to hear the Detective's explanations.  
- "Casey when you told me about your father I wanted to know more so I went to see him. I ... Casey I had to know what happened in the past. I had to know what lay in the past"  
- "Why didn't you ask me?"  
- "And you would have told me?"  
- "I... I guess not... but you had no right to go see him. And you certainly had no right to invite him here!", she snapped.  
- Casey, he wants to be part of your life. He regrets the way he treated you when your mom died. He... we... I... I thought that if you two met you could maybe sort things out"  
- "Olivia, don't you think I thought about it first? How many times I had my hand on the phone? How many times I thought about my brothers? Their kids?"  
- "Casey, now is the right time, he wants all that"  
- "Yeah right, like hell he does. Doesn't take much risk, does he? You told him about it, didn't you? You told him I was dying"  
- "Casey I had no choice! He wasn't listening, he almost closed his door right on my face! I..."  
- "So once more you interfered in my life. You divulgued personal informations about me to some stranger!"  
- "He is no stranger Casey, he is your father for god's sake!"  
- "He isn't anymore. He said so years back. Banned me and..."  
- "And a law says he can't change his mind? He can't be remorsful and try to make things right with his only daughter? You're going to deny him that Casey?"  
- "Olivia, he made his mind years ago."  
- "And he regrets it. Please Casey give you a chance", she pleaded her as she reached her side. Laying a hand on her shoulder, she tried again:  
"Casey, please give it some thoughts. You wanted to have eggs delivered to them which means for you, you're still part of this family. Your father wants you back. Could you at least consider talking to him?", she begged her, her eyes full of sorrow.

She saw the struggle in Casey's eyes, she saw she wasn't opposed to the idea as she was a quarter ago.

"Ok", she breathed slowly "I'll think about it".

* * *

_Don't worry about low review, I'm not very fond of this chapter :(_


	23. Chapter 23

I really couldn't leave you all with that previous (low) chapter. The following is on my fav 5 list.  
Now CNovak929 you can leave for two weeks a little more secure about Casey, right? lol

Once more, thanks for every single review, and every single reading :D

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Central Park  
16 April – 12:15 pm_

It took all Olivia's persuasion to drag Casey to Central Park on that sunny day. For the last two days, she'd regularly come up with an other excuse.

Knowing full well that this reunion was her last chance to reacquaint the family, she had several conversations with Casey's father during the past week and she was glad he did everything in his power to have all family present: Casey's father, her three brothers, their wives and kids.  
But she did keep it a secret to Casey, for her they were supposed to meet only with her father, and her brothers if they could make it.  
It was stressful enough for her, no need to add more.

When they reached the park, Olivia led the way; they chose carefully their meeting point with Casey's father.  
It was secluded with two large wood tables but it was although surrounded by trees so Casey would sit by their shadows. No need for her to get sunburnt or sunstroke.

Casey was holding onto her with a death grip. Looking down, Olivia stopped in her tracks and gathered Casey in her arms. She knew this wasn't an easy task for her.

Hugging her close, she tried to reassure her.  
- "Case, don't worry, everything will be just fine. I'm here. A word from you and we will leave, ok?", she said, kissing her forehead.  
- "Ok", she whispered, taking a deep breath.  
- "Whenever you are ready"  
- "Let's go. Let's get it over with", she smiled.

The family was already gathered around the tables.

Casey gasped at the scene and turned to Olivia with a deadly glare.  
- "You tricked me Detective. Again", she whispered, her tone full of accusations.  
- "We…I did not Case. I just want to prove that your life isn't as empty as you think", she tried to explain.

Casey shrugged but didn't move. She stood there watching the scene, her shoulders tense.

Every eye turned to her and Olivia saw her turn bright red.  
Olivia didn't dare pushing her, she left her time. She expected Casey's father to step in but instead a little girl stepped forward until she stood in front of Casey.

Wearing a green battle top and matching pants, she looked so much like Casey it was breathtaking: reddish hair, green eyes, roman nose. Even a mole at the corner of her mouth.  
Hell, a miniature twin.  
Barely five, she could easily be mistaken for Casey's own daughter.

Taking her hand, the little girl led her to the table on the right where Mr Novak watched expectantly his daughter. She could see how he fought the urge to move and touch her.

Casey followed without saying a word. Soon she stood between her father, the little girl and Simon, her older brother.  
Olivia held her breath, waiting for what would come next. It was the key moment on which everything depended.  
She released it when he pulled his sister into a hug and she didn't pull back. In fact, minutes later, she returned it.

Caught in the scene, she was taken back to reality when the little girl slipped her hand in hers and led her to where Casey stood, still tightly hugged by her brother.

Hours later, Olivia felt like crying. Not from pain or fear but from pure joy.  
Lunch and afternoon had gone slowly and easily, Casey seemed reacquainted with her family. She had barely spoken three words with her father but Olivia wasn't particularly anxious about it. Both seemed inclined to discuss but alone, later on. Now was family, their discussion would wait.

The brothers and their three boys went to play football while all women gathered around them.

Olivia had missed Casey this afternoon. Sure they were sitting side by side at the table but she couldn't bring her as much comfort as she wished to. During the meal, her hand was never far away from Casey, on her lower back, on her thigh. But the contact never lasted more than a couple seconds.

But now she felt like she needed more, they both did, so she slipped her arm around Casey's slim waist and hugged her close. Sighing, Casey nestled her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, letting her body sag against Olivia's.  
- "You tired?", she inquired, worry rising.  
- "A little", she admitted.  
- "You…", she began but was interrupted by Casey's soft voice.  
- "But I don't want to go. It feels good to be here". Olivia felt Casey's smile against her skin.  
- "I'm so glad", she whispered, squeezing her tighter.

When the game ended, Maddie, Simon's youngest daughter and Casey's miniature twin, joined them.  
Looking up at her aunt with smiling eyes, she tugged Casey's hand until she knelt in front of her. Then she hugged her tightly.  
Olivia stepped back, letting Casey enjoy this moment.

But she remained close by, just in case Casey needed her.  
- "Aunt Casey? Grandpa said we'll all go ski together during New Year's break. I can't wait, you are cool", she declared.

Her attention focused on her, Olivia caught Casey's eyes, tears running down her cheeks. She could see utmost shock written all over her tired face.  
Watching Olivia over the little girl's head, Casey mouthed "Thank you" to her only.

Then she nodded. Seconds later, she nodded again, holding Olivia's eyes.

Olivia's eyes widened, her breath catching in a very dry throat, not wanting to read too much in it.  
When Casey's nodded more frankly, Olivia broke into a huge grin and nodded back.

Their silent conversation wasn't missed by Casey's father who took all of them in his arms.  
Olivia doubted he understood what Casey's nod meant but she did and that was the most important thing in the world.

* * *

_Please read and review, I hope this chapter will reach its goal and move you :)  
_


	24. Chapter 24

I'm so relieved chapter 21 wasn't all that bad. I'm relieved :D  
This time I promise you are safe for a couple chapters, no more Xena viewing for me because the Xena/Gabrielle keeps interfering and urging me to write more! lol  
I'll just start a Xena fic and leave Casey and Olivia follow their path to happiness.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
16 April -05:52 pm_

Two hours later they excused themselves and headed back to Casey's place. She was pretty tired and Olivia didn't want to add exhaustion to the stress. Although it was pretty obvious that Casey didn't want to leave.

The drive back was silent, Casey dozing in the passenger's seat, but her hand never left Olivia's thigh. She needed the physical contact, to feel that Olivia was indeed by her side. The decision she made a couple hours ago wouldn't be easy to follow.  
She trusted Olivia like she never trusted anyone in her whole life, and it was a pretty scary bet she was about to make. In all the time they had spent together the past month, Olivia's presence and closeness had brought her a lot of comfort.

But now that she decided to fight for her life, she needed it even more. She needed to know that Olivia wouldn't vanish now that she made it fight this.

When they reached her place, she couldn't believe they left it over six hours ago.

Back then she didn't want to go, then she had a very hard time leaving. But Olivia, seeing her more and more tired, played safeguard. They agreed on an other family lunch a week later but this time at Casey's father home. He already offered to them to stay the week-end so Casey could rest properly if need arose. He had seen his daughter coughing blood and almost passing out from stress and anger a week ago, guess he didn't want anything to happen.

Standing in the living room, she didn't know what to do.  
Behind her, Olivia laid her hands on her shoulders, taking her off her linen jacket.

That done, she gently pushed her towards the bedroom. Casey resisted, unsure of what to do.

- "Case, you should go get some sleep."  
- "But I… I mean…we…"  
- "Anything can wait Casey. Right now, you need to rest. It has been a long day", she reassured her.  
- "Ok", she gave in.

Before walking to her room, she turned around and planted a kiss on Olivia's cheek, then hugged her close.  
When she pulled back, Olivia was looking at her with a hesitant smile on her lips.

- "Thank you Olivia."  
- "Don't mention it", she responded, dismissing the compliment with the back of her hand.  
- "Don't be so modest Olivia Benson. No one ever did for me what you did today. You are a true friend.", she replied, taking Olivia's hands in hers and squeezed gently.  
- "Well I …", she began as her cheeks tinged with crimson.  
- "And I'm so sorry for being such a bugger", she admitted lowering her eyes.  
- "Hey you were not" she responded honestly lifting Casey's chin with a single finger  
"You just had a lot on your mind".  
- "Maybe, but it wasn't an excuse for…"  
- "Case, all this is behind us now. Let's start over", she replied with a smile.

Not letting Casey time to respond, she gathered her in her arms, rubbing her back, rocking her.  
They remained like this for a short moment; until Casey yawned quite loudly, her body signalling that it was high time for her to catch some sleep.

Olivia went with her to the bedroom, helped her change into a pair of pyjamas and stayed with her until she fell asleep, which took about ninety seconds.  
But she didn't leave the room.  
As tired as she was, she sure would sleep much better in the pull out couch, but she didn't want to leave Casey.

So she lay down on top of the covers next to Casey, hoping that it wouldn't disturb her much needed sleep.  
Fortunately it didn't and not much later on, she felt Casey snuggle up to her.

* * *

_I know it's short, but the next will be much longer :D  
Remember I'm reviews' junkie!! lol_


	25. Chapter 25

Time for some caring in this fic after some angsty chapters.

You know your reviews make my day which is crappy because Diane Neal is leaving SVU. I'm so sad, crushed and depressed :(  
It's no rumour, I wish it were, she confirms on her official website (I can't post the complete link here, but it's in the 'blog' section).  
So please all fans, get over there and show her how much we love her. Thank you :)

She brought me to the show and I believe I'll leave it with her.  
We'll all miss you Diane, SVU won't be the same without you. All the best for your future plans.  
ADA Novak with her humor, her sarcasms, her fiery eyes will be missed.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
16 April -10:18 pm_

When Olivia woke up, she was surprised first to be alone and second in bed, not on top of the covers anymore.

Rubbing her eyes, she blinked until her eyes adjusted to the darkness.  
The door was barely open and the light coming from the TV in the living room bathed the room in a gray light.

She half-smiled when taking notice of the deep creases on her black pants and shirt. Silk and linen weren't really fit to sleep in it. Maybe she'd borrow a jersey shirt from Casey before heading home.

Yawning, she stretched her arms above her head.  
As she was about to stand, something in the corner of the room caught her eyes.  
Casey was sitting in the chair between the bed and the window, watching her.

- "You okay?", she queried.  
- "Yeah", she responded but it didn't convince Olivia.  
- "But…"  
- "I woke up and you were in my bed"  
- "Casey I'm sorry, I…", Olivia gasped, understanding Casey's reaction, she didn't appreciate her invading her space.  
- "Don't be sorry, it felt good to have you that close", she replied, biting her lower lip.  
- "Oh…then what?"  
- "Then I realised I couldn't lean on you that much. Get used to have you so close. So I got up and I…"  
- "…put some distance?".

Casey only nodded.  
"Why Casey?", she asked, standing to crouch by Casey's side, a hand on her thigh.  
- "Because it's not your role. I have to fight this alone", she responded pointing at her head with a shaky hand.  
- "Casey you don't have to. I'm here for you, to help you fight this. You know that"  
- "I know Olivia and I appreciate your caring. I really do but…", she stood and began pacing the room.

Olivia was puzzled by her action.  
She didn't mind sharing the same bed but seemed like she wanted to fight the disease alone.  
Which was a non sense, which she wouldn't let her do.

Ruffling her hair, she stood and switched the light in the room.

She blinked against it, but turning to Casey, it revealed cheeks red from crying.  
Reaching the younger woman, she stopped her pacing, placing two hands on her shoulder. Bending, she forced her to meet her eyes.

- "Casey, what is it?", she queried gently.

But Casey didn't respond, her lips moved but no sound came out of them. In the depth of her green eyes, she saw the same hesitant look she had when she told her about Charlie.  
The same fear of being judged, even rejected.

- "Casey, talk to me. Please", she pleaded her.  
- "I want to but…it's…I mean I", she looked at her with a shy smile and Olivia found it quite cute.

Sensing Casey's discomfort, Olivia decided to change subject, and tactics.

- "How long have you been up?"  
- "Don't know, a couple hours. There wasn't much on TV so I came back here but I didn't want to wake you", she shrugged.  
- "You should have woken me up honey. You ate anything? You hungry?"  
- "Not really", more shrug.  
- "Well I'm kind of starving. Let's see what's in your fridge", she said on a playful tone.

An arm across Casey's shoulders, they went to the living room.

Casey settled back on the couch, draping a blanket over her shoulders, as Olivia went through the fridge. There wasn't much there, they'd have to go groceries shopping in the morning.

With Casey's decision to fight came the realisation that, at this point, she was absolutely in no shape to go through surgery, then possible radiotherapy. She had done some research on her own, and radiotherapy was definitively a possibility. It depended on the size of the meningioma, its location. If surgery couldn't remove all of it, radiotherapy sessions would be prescribed to slow and hopefully eradicate the remains.

Casey took the first step, now they'd have to take the next together: perk her up.

Minutes later she joined Casey on the couch with a tray in hands. There were two steaming cups of tea and toasts on it.  
They ate in companion silence, until Olivia reached for the TV remote and flipped channels searching for something to watch. She didn't mind the silence, but the one which blanketed the room was a little too thick.

They settled to watch a comedy, both way too acustomised to drama on their daily job to watch cop shows. Although Olivia's attention was more turned towards Casey, watching her profile closely, than on the TV.

It wasn't long before Casey, pretty aware of Olivia's eyes on her, spoke up, still looking at the TV screen.

- "Look Olivia. I know what you are trying to do and I'm more than thankful for that. But you have to understand that it's difficult for me. I'm not used to…to have someone…caring for me. And certainly not that much. It's…it's destabilizing"

Olivia took the time to think about what Casey just said before responding.

Switching the TV off, she turned to the younger woman, taking her hand between hers:  
- "Casey, I understand what you are saying. But it doesn't mean you have to face this alone. I just want to help you, in any way you want. If you feel my presence is too intrusive, just tell me. We will adjust. All I want is to help Casey, nothing more", she whispered, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't know how to make Casey understand that her only concern was for her to live.

When Casey turned towards her, Olivia saw tears running down her cheeks and had to force herself not to wipe them away with her thumb. Instead, she tightened her hold on Casey's hand.

- "I just want you to live Casey", she stated honestly.  
- "But…", she began.  
- "Talk to me Casey. Trust me", she encouraged her.  
- "But it's not your role to play Olivia. You are not…"  
- "I'm your friend Casey, don't look behind that. I'm your friend and as such, I want you to come trough this, alive and healthy", she breathed slowly, calmly.  
- "What if it's not enough?"  
- "I will do anything in my power to help you. Just tell me what you need"  
- "What if I lean on you and you leave?", she asked, fidgeting with the hem of the blanket.  
- "It's not gonna happen Casey".  
- "I couldn't handle it Olivia", she admitted shyly.  
- "You won't have to. What happened with your family is the past Casey. I'm not going to turn my back to you. I'll stay by your side until you are declared 100 recovered. I promise you", she whispered.  
- "You promise?', she looked up at Olivia with a hopeful smile.  
- "I swear it Casey", she nodded.  
- "Ok", she smiled, more tears running down her cheeks.

Olivia couldn't be sure but she thought some were tears of happiness.

Without thinking, Casey reached over and embraced Olivia, almost knocking the air out of her.

Later on, after watching more boring TV, both women could barely keep their eyes open.

Following Casey to her bedroom, Olivia intended to find something to sleep in and sheets for the pull out couch when Casey surprised her by asking her what side of the bed she preferred to sleep.

Turning around to face a very blushing Casey, Olivia couldn't hide her surprise.

- "Casey?"  
- "I…I mean…would you mind sleeping in here? I can take the chair and …"  
- "Com'on, it's your bed Casey, you take it. Besides, I thought you didn't want me in it?"  
- "I…", blush wasn't even close to describe the state of Casey's cheeks, they were peony red. "I…well I sleep better when you are around"  
- "Oh", she responded surprised by the turn of events "In that case, I don't mind".  
- "You sure you don't? I mean it's…"  
- "Casey, stop trying to explain yourself. If me being in here with you makes you sleep through the night, then I don't see any reason why I wouldn't.", she responded gently.  
"All I care about is your well being", she assured her with a broad smile.  
- "Thank you", she whispered before excusing herself to the bathroom.

Standing alone in the empty bedroom, Olivia couldn't help but smile: she knew today was the starting point of something new with Casey Novak.

The day she decided to fight back and accept her help.

Sure the path would be long and difficult, the surgery wouldn't be fun in any way but at least she wasn't alone in this, she was accepting her presence and help.  
And she was willing to support her in any way she would need.

From Casey's reaction, she began to understand her fears earlier.  
Her father turned his back to her when she needed her the most. Sure he was grieving his deceased wife and he dealt with it the best he could.  
Even though it meant hurting his little girl.

Casey wasn't afraid only to accept her help. She was afraid that she would leave her at some point. Once she was leaning on her, she would just go away. Leave her face it alone.

But that's not something that would happen, not a chance.

Casey was as independent in her life as she was in her job: not taking any shit from anyone. No doubt it had taken her a lot to ask her to share her bed; although Olivia had seen lately that indeed she slept better with her around. She'd have offered to sleep in her bed, instead of forcing Casey to ask it from her.

She vowed to be more attentive to this kind of "details".

Olivia although began to foresee the length of Casey's needs.  
Looks like they were quite important but she didn't care, she'd fulfil them all.  
Sleep, food, comfort, medical cares, whatever she needed.  
She had no idea if she was up to the task, she doubted there was some guide about what they were about to get through, but she was willing to do her best.

She had a meeting with Don Cragen a couple days ago and he had been very comprehensive regarding her intention to support Casey every step of the way. She couldn't afford to quit the force, so he offered to wait until she knew more about Casey's intention before taking any decision. Now that it was settled with Casey, they'd be working on her schedule.

Until the surgery, she could take time off but after it'd be a lot more difficult. Guess she'd request desk job during her time at the hospital, visiting hours being rather short in intensive care. The real problem would come after. She had no idea of the issue of Casey's surgery, let alone if chemo or radio therapy would be necessary. She although didn't know the effects they'd have on Casey, she heard of people loosing their hair, being so sick they lost a huge amount of weight, of medication making them so sick they wished they were dead.

Her train of thoughts was interrupted by Casey's return who had changed into a pair of flannel pale pink pyjamas.

Taking her turn in the bathroom, she changed to the pyjamas Casey lend her, and brushed her teeth.

At Casey's insistence, Olivia chose a side of the bed, the one by the window. She really didn't have any preference; she just figured that if Casey were to sleep late the next morning, it'd be better to be on the side the more far away from the window.

Once they were settled in bed, Olivia could feel the nervousness radiating from Casey's body. Turning her head towards her, she found her staring at the ceiling, chewing on her bottom lip nervously, arms crossed over the blanket.

Reaching across the bed, she caressed her cheek with the back of her fingers.

- "You okay?", she asked softly.  
- "Yeah", she responded without looking at Olivia.  
- "Doesn't look like it", she chuckled.  
- "I'm fine Olivia", she lied.  
- "Case, I'm trained to see when people lie. Tell me what's wrong", she requested gently.  
- "I…", she began but she didn't know how to say it.

How was she supposed to ask Olivia more than what she was already offering? How to ask her if sleeping in her arms would be too much asking? How to make such a request to a woman who only two weeks ago was barely a co-worker; taking her a nothing more than a replacement for the ADA stashed in witness protection for the time being? How to dare making such a request without scaring her away? Olivia promised to stay until she was fully recovered but did this fit in? Was it part of the contract to be her personal pillow?

For as long as she remembered, whenever she was sick or utterly stressed, she'd be unable to find asleep, and even went through acute somnambulism.  
But Olivia said nothing about it, so she guessed she had none when Olivia was sleeping in her bed. Simple but terribly efficient.  
But how to tell her this?

From her cheek, she felt Olivia's hand move to her shoulder, massaging gently.

When Casey didn't respond to her gesture, something in her posture hit Olivia: her arms crossed high over her chest, she was lying in bed as rigid as the justice. A total opposite to the way she slept last night, and the week before.

Smiling at Casey's shyness and chastising her own blindness, Olivia pulled at Casey's shoulder.

After a moment, when Casey turned to her, she smiled, puffing out her chest.  
- "Com' here", she offered gently.

Casey's eyes widened as her cheeks turned crimson, her lips moving but no words coming past them.  
- "I've been said to be quite a nice fluffy pillow"

When Casey shot her a quizzical look, she went on:  
- "Com'on Case, you will sleep better"

After observing Olivia a moment more, making sure that it wasn't some kind of sick joke, she gave in, snuggling up in Olivia's welcoming arms.

As they closed around her, hugging her close, she laid her head on Olivia's shoulder, her arms snaking around her waist in a tight grip. Moving around until she found the perfect position, she sighed contently. Tensing up, she prayed Olivia didn't hear her. She thought she hadn't until, minutes later, she felt Olivia kiss the top of her head, whispering "Anything, Case, you can ask anything", the smile in her voice making her relax.

As she succumbed to sleep, lulled by Olivia's strong heartbeat below her ear, her last coherent feeling was Olivia's hand settling on her lower back, drawing lousy circles under her t-shirt.

* * *

_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	26. Chapter 26

What you think of a little Liv's musing?  
It's awfully short, the shortest chapter so far I guess, but next will be longer.  
And there are still dozens of chapters to post :)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Olivia Benson's apartment  
17 April - 7:46 am_

Detective Olivia Benson was standing in the middle of her living room, eyeing it cautiously, trying to see if she forgot anything. Two bags were lying by her feet, her long leather jacket draped across them.

When she woke up around 5 am, Casey Novak was soundly asleep. Unable to go back to sleep, damn her internal alarm trained by years of early shift, she decided to make the trip to her apartment instead of making it later that day. In fact, she hadn't talked about it to the younger woman, so she wasn't sure she would approve.

But if she showed at her doorstep with her bags, surely she wouldn't kick her out right?

Or so she hoped.

Part of her still feared Casey would make a u-turn and change her mind about the surgery.

Hell, she would herself.

What she was about to face was not only life saving, it was, as paradoxal as it sounded, life threatening. She could die during surgery, the meningiome nestled deep in her temporal lobe.  
And if surgery worked perfectly, there was that huge probability that she would have to go through chemo or radiotherapy.  
With the side effects that everyone knew.

Sighing deeply, she shook her head to clear her mind. She couldn't let those dark thoughts settle. Casey would need her in the coming days, she would have to be able to reassure her, not the opposite.

Thinking back to yesterday in the park, she couldn't help but smile, she was rather proud of herself, she had to admit. But even prouder of Casey who could have turned away and left. But she didn't, she faced her family, her past demons, and most important of all, she decided to fight. She decided that there were things in her life worth fighting for. And for that part, she was a little responsible.

She knew not everything was settled with her family, especially her father, but without making it a point of detail, this will resolve in its own time. Surgery was their main priority.  
And she would, as promised, be with Casey every step of the way.

Speaking of whom, she'd head back to her place before the younger woman woke up. After all, their little reunion might have drained her, no doubt her mind was worried about the near future, thus most likely keeping her awake. Deciding it was probably too late already, she made a quick stop at the bakery across street, and headed back to Casey's place.

She knew she was a little eager to, but she although knew that Casey cahnging her mind was just not an option.

No way in the world...

* * *

_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	27. Chapter 27

I couldn't leave you with such a chapter, so you get a second one as a bonus :p

This chapter and part of this story was inspired by "Crossing Jordan" tv show but I guess some might saw it.

I hope this chapter will make you laugh, cry or move you, all in one chapter. That's its aim. Let's hope it'll reach its goal :D

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

* * *

_Casey Novak's apartment  
27 April - 6:30 pm_

The next two weeks went by with Olivia taking her due vacations to stay with Casey. Good thing she had quite some time due because she really didn't feel like spending her days at the Precinct and her night at Casey's place. She wanted to be with her 24/7, making sure she would regain all her strength before the surgery.

Surgery which was planned in two days now.

They were both growing nervous and restless as time went.

As planned, last week-end was spent at Casey's father home, with the whole family gathered once more. Casey dreading it but she although knew it would be the last time she would see her family in a long time. So she took it on her to not refuse them this moment.

With all the family gathered, Olivia and Casey had to share the young woman's old room which was more than fine. If they wouldn't have been able to share the same bed, Olivia didn't know what this would have done on Casey's moral.

When they went to her room, Olivia carrying their overnight bags, Casey found a photo album on her bed. She expected it to be pictures from the family, with the events she missed those past years. But she surely wasn't prepared for what she found inside: it was filled only with her, newspaper and pictures cuttings from her as ADA, from her nomination to SVU to the major cases she won.

What touched her most were the pictures from her graduation day, the day she received her diploma but went to the platform with a sad smile since there was no one there for her. She had been wrong, her father had been there, and he took a bunch of pictures from the event, including the garden party after. Most pictures were spoiled and the one where she accepted her diploma stained with tears.

Hugging the album to her chest, she let tears slid down her cheeks and the second Olivia sat by her side, wondering about what caused her such distress; she snuggled up in her arms.

They left Mr. Novak's place both exhausted, and Casey emotionally drained, but she knew it did great for her moral.  
An other proof that there were people that wouldn't accept her death.

The surgeon didn't make any promise and was pretty clear in all his explanations: in her situation, there was a 30 per cent chance that Casey wouldn't come out of the surgery alive, neurosurgery still a risky task. Then if she survived, there was still a possibility that they couldn't remove the entire tumor, which meant radiotherapy sessions, if not chemo.

She played the brave patient in front of the Doctor but as soon as they reached her place, Casey collapsed in Olivia's arms, crying fit bordering to hysteria.  
It took a very long time for her to calm down. Olivia didn't push her to discuss that night, she just held her through the night, both unable to get any sleep.

Two days later, as she was speaking to the nurse calling to confirm the surgery, Casey held Olivia's hand in a death grip, her fingers turning white.

- "Here we are", she whispered, hanging up the phone, before Olivia pulled her in a tight embrace.

Breath caught in her throat, Olivia had a very hard time regaining it. The reality of what was to come overwhelming. The reality that in 72 hours, Casey Novak could be dead.

Not really thinking, and never letting go of Casey's hand, she grabbed both their jackets. Once they were in the street, Casey stood motionless, a delicate brow arched in an unasked question.

- "Let's go party", was Olivia's answer.

They spent the evening and the following one having a great time, sharing drinks in a bar and dinner downtown.

Olivia even surprised Casey with an impromptu tandem ride in Central Park.

Casey hadn't been allowed to ride her bike since her attack, even less now that she had an epileptic fist, and she knew she missed it. So she rented a tandem in Central Park and they went for one hell of a ride around the park, Olivia pedaling madly to prevent Casey from tiring herself; dumbfound tourists wondering about two young women riding a tandem in the middle of the night with Santa Claus' flashing hats on, laughing their ass off.

In the end, they doubled up with laughter by Cop Cot overlooking The Pond and remained there, watching the sky, well past 2 am.

The night before the surgery had truly been a nightmare, for both of them.

Neither able to sleep.  
Neither able to escape the thoughts invading their minds.

They watched tv late but since Casey's surgeon advised her to sleep the night before, they went to bed around11 pm, both knowing sleep would elude them tonight.

Neither could tell how long they laid in bed, staring into space, Olivia spooning the young ADA from behind, her arms looped tight around her waist. She didn't know what else to do to make her feel her presence, her comfort.

- "You okay?", she finally asked, breaking the silence.  
- "Yeah"  
- "You know it's ok to be scared"  
- "I'm not scared Olivia… I… I'm terrified", she admitted defeated.  
- "Anyone would be"  
- "Not you", the words left Casey's mouth before she could think of them.  
- "I'm terrified too", Olivia admitted honestly.

Freeing herself from Olivia's embrace, Casey sat up, her back against the headboard, looking off to the distance. When she crossed her arms over her chest, Olivia knew something was up, Casey closing herself once more.

- "Case? What is it?"  
- "You wouldn't be terrified Olivia, you are so much stronger than I will ever be", she mouthed, her eyes unfocused.  
- "I'm not as strong as you imagine. And everyone would be terrified by this", she responded as she rose to sit by Casey, mirroring her position.  
- "You wouldn't be. I… it's ….", she stammered, frustrated at her poor diction lately. Taking a deep breath, she went on "I feel like all I'm doing lately is cry, weep. I can only imagine what you must think of me".  
- "Casey, it's natural to feel disoriented, you are going through pretty rough times. It'll get better, I promise", she responded, draping an arm around Casey's warm shoulders.  
- "But you…"  
- "… and I don't see you any differently than two months ago: you are as strong as you ever were Casey Ann Novak", she added, not forgetting that part of Casey's concern.  
- "Past tense", she remarked sadly.  
- "As you ever were, are and will be. Stop being difficult", she retorted, hugging her a little closer.  
- "I'm not difficult", she replied, pouting.  
- "You know, you look exactly like Maddie when you do that", she said grinning.  
- "She's such a great kid".  
- "Just like her aunt", Olivia retorted honestly. She smiled when noticing Casey blushing furiously, bending her head to hide a smile.  
- "Olivia?"  
- "Yes?"  
- "Would you do something for me?", she asked nervously.  
- "Anything".  
- "Don't go so fast, you don't know what I'm gonna ask you".  
- "As long as it doesn't involve naked stripers, alcohol or anything illegal", she joked, realising that her private joke didn't light up the mood, quite the opposite in fact as Casey fell silent a long moment.

When she turned a fearful face towards her, Casey couldn't hold Olivia's eyes, so she hided her eyes in her neck, breathing deeply.  
- "If I'm unable to, will you terminate it for me?", she whispered. There she said it. This question she so desperately wanted to ask but never knew how.  
- "Wh…what? What are you talking about?", Olivia asked but she had a gut feeling she knew what she was talking about.  
- "My life", she whispered hoarsely.  
- "Casey!", Olivia exclaimed, lifting Casey's chin from its hiding place with a long finger, meeting teary frightened eyes.  
"You will be fine, nothing will go wrong", she promised.  
- "But if it does…"  
- "It won't".  
- "… I don't want to live like a vegetable, be a burden to everyone. I… promise me that you won't let me glued to some machines for the rest of my life", she asked again, her eyes gray from fear.

For a moment, Olivia Benson just watched the million emotions crossing Casey's delicate features, her eyes turning green to greyish, the colour leaving her cheeks, the way she avoided her, looking anywhere but in her eyes, her breath held to her response.

- "Ok", she whispered, surprising herself.  
- "You sure?", she queried, making sure Olivia meant what she said.  
- "Yes. I… I'm sure", she whispered, feeling tired all of a sudden, like a huge weight had been dropped on her shoulders.  
"But it won't happen Casey, you will be just fine".  
- "You know as much as I do that something can go wrong. You, I, have seen the disaster it can cause. And if it does I need to know someone will care enough to end it for me".  
- "Casey, it's not something to take lightly. And you know you have many people who care about you. Don't ever doubt it".  
- "You are the only one I trust with this Olivia. I know you won't fail me", she admitted.  
- "I won't Case but I won't let you go without one hell of a fight, you know that", she said sternly, kissing Casey's forehead before gathering her in a strong embrace.  
- "I know and I wouldn't expect less from you"  
"Thank you", she whispered as she planted a shy kiss on Olivia's cheek, realising they both had tears running down their cheeks.  
- "You are not welcome", Olivia replied sharply, hoping Casey wouldn't mind.  
- "I know Olivia", she smiled, letting her know that it was ok to be mad, snuggling closer to her. Olivia tightened her embrace, what just happened slowly downing on her.

They both fell silent for some time until Olivia spoke up:  
- "I won't leave you".

When Casey looked up at her with an unasked question written on her face, she went on:  
- "I will be there when they put you to sleep and I will be there when you wake up", she vowed.

This promise, whispered but yet sincere, brought new tears to Casey.

Reaching up, she laid her hand on Olivia's cheek.

- "Hey don't cry", Olivia was surprised by Casey's reaction.  
She didn't think her words would cause her more tears. But she meant them, so she wouldn't take them back, even to make the young woman feel better.  
- "Thank you", was all Casey could whisper through her tears.  
"You have no idea how much this means to me", she explained, seeing Olivia's surprise.  
- "I know you would do the same".

Olivia engulfed Casey in a long tight embrace. When she felt Casey had calmed down, she waited to see if she would fall asleep. When it was obvious she wouldn't, she rose from the bed.

Looking down at Casey, she smiled:  
- "Feel like some milk?", she proposed.

It was past 4 am when they finally found some sleep, after Olivia made them some hot chocolate in which they dipped equally chocolate cookies.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	28. Chapter 28

Well guess you know me by now, I can't resist to throw some angsty bits here and there.  
So here we go; but I hope you'll like it. Don't hesitate to read and post reviews, those alerts make my day! :D  
I took note for more doctors' scenes and I might later on, I'm just afraid that if I started one right now, it'll delay the updates.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
3 May - 4:15 pm_

4 days.  
96 hours.  
345 600 seconds.

It has been four long days of next to no sleep and the hospital walls were slowly closing on her.  
She felt like screaming, kicking, biting. But most of all, she felt like forcing her way into Casey's room and shake her until she woke up.  
Four days that she should have waken up.  
Four days that she was in a coma.  
Four days that they didn't know when she would come out of it.  
They were confident that she will eventually, but they didn't know when.

Since she was in intensive care, Olivia could barely stay more than two hours per day by Casey's side. She would spend the rest of her time in the hallway, observing any movement that seemed related to Casey.  
It was driving her nuts. Totally freaked out of her mind.

She was holding onto the promise she made Casey not to tell anyone but right now, she'd have given a lot for some support. Any kind. Hell, even Elliot's was appealing…  
The nurse and doctors were nice to her, but she missed speaking to someone about her deepest fear: that Casey will never wake up and she would live like a vegetable for the next forty years.  
Which was totally unacceptable. Which wouldn't happen.  
Casey made sure of it when she designed her as her legal guardian on the hospital's forms she filled.

Although she had felt honored at that time, she wasn't so sure anymore that she would be the right person to take such decision.  
Sure she was committed to do what was right for Casey but to be honest, she never thought it would come to it. She still didn't but her not waking up couldn't be such a good sign.

How could you decide to terminate the life of a close friend? But Casey explained her that she was the right person for it, since in her job she had seen people left living as vegetable and the fights around them. She although knew that her family wouldn't choose to terminate her life, now that they just got reacquainted.

- "I promise to respect your wish Casey, even if it means breaking my soul", she vowed silently.

Elbows on her knees and head in hands, she didn't hear the light footsteps approaching.  
When a hand closed on her shoulder, she jumped. When her chocolate eyes met those of Captain Cragen, she relaxed just a tad.

When she saw the worry in his eyes, she tensed, did something happen?  
- "What are you doing here? Did something happen?", she queried, already fearing the worst.  
- "No, don't worry Olivia, everything is fine at the Precinct", he reassured her as he sat by her side.  
"I was worried since you didn't give me any news. I tried Casey's apartment and your cell phone. When I got no answer, I figured you might be here", he explained in a low voice.  
- "Oh", she whispered.  
- "I take it something went wrong?", he ventured.  
- "Yeah", she replied but didn't say more.

She promised not to call anyone but if someone showed up, was it different?  
Her mind was foggy from the lack of sleep, mental exhaustion, and she had a very hard time thinking.

She must have taken some time to think things over since she felt Captain nudge her.  
- "Olivia? Talk to me"  
- "I… I can't Captain", she answered honestly.  
- "Jesus Olivia, is it that bad?", he was alarmed.  
- "No, no Captain", she reassured him. He did read more in her silence than she intended.  
- "Then what?"  
- "I can't tell you"  
- "How so?"  
- "Casey made me promise not to call anyone if something went wrong. I have to respect that", she chuckled at the absurdity of the situation.  
- "Well you didn't call me and I'm asking you. Does that make a difference?", he tried. He didn't like the lost look haunted Olivia's eyes and her making some jokes wasn't a real good sign either.

When Olivia didn't answer, he went on.  
- "Olivia, I won't repeat to anyone what you tell me. You have my word. But I'm sure as hell that you could use a friend right now"

- "She went through brain surgery four days ago, and she has been in a coma ever since", she admitted in a low voice laced with tears ". I … I'm scared Captain. I don't want to loose her", she admitted, letting her tears fall.

Don Cragen laid a comforting hand over Olivia's which she was rubbing furiously against each other.  
- "Olivia, Casey is strong. She will come out of this"  
- "What if she doesn't?", she turned a watery face towards him.  
- "She will be fine Olivia, trust her"  
- "I couldn't stand loosing her Captain, it wouldn't be fair. I mean… I know we are not close friends but damn it, she decided to fight for her life! She decided to live, she decided to give her life a chance. If she didn't make it, it would be so unfair!", she snapped harshly.  
- "What do the doctors say?"  
- "She should wake up anytime"  
- "Then trust them Olivia. If you don't trust Casey, trust people whose job it is."  
- "I trust Casey!", she responded outraged.  
- "Not entirely Olivia. Listen: it's natural to fear for her, but after four days she is still alive and the doctors are confident. Trust them all Olivia: both Casey and her doctors. I know it's hard to be in your shoes right now, but trust them."  
- "But it's so hard. I … I can't stand being useless right now"  
- "Who says you are useless?", now it was his turn to be outraged.  
- "I can't stay with her Captain, I'm not family. Besides her state is pretty weak so they wouldn't allow me to", she whispered.  
- "That's a non sense; you are the one who convinced her to go through surgery, to fight!"  
- "But I'm not family Captain, if I were her sister, maybe it would make a difference. But …"  
- "And I say non sense, family isn't flesh and blood only", he repeated through clenched teeth, standing. "Some people here owe me favors. You stay here, I'll be right back", he told her, already marching towards the nurse desk.

Olivia watched him leave, a ghost of a smile on her lips, the first in days. Maybe she did the right thing. Maybe breaking the promise she made to Casey would be a good thing. Well technically she didn't break that promise. Her Captain asked her a question and she answered. He was immediately above her in rank, how could she disobey?

And if she could stay a little more with Casey that would certainly make one hell of a bonus.

When he returned an hour later, she hadn't moved, still rubbing her hands furiously, but her heart a little lighter. Don Cragen was a good man, if he said he would try, he would do his best to get what he wanted.  
Sure thing he was accompanied by Dr Evers, Casey's surgeon, and Dr Plinkt, who was a member of the hospital board of directors. It although helped that Casey made her her legal guardian.

She was given full access to Casey's room, 24/7, and to the nurses changing room. They'd although install an additional bed in her room once she'd out of ICU. Same privileges as the one granted to family.

Grateful, Olivia shook their hands with tearful eyes.

Shortly after, she was back in Casey's room, intending not to leave it before the young woman had awakened.

Dragging a chair to the bed, she slipped her hand in Casey's, her heart contracting once more at her sight: she was ghostly white, plugged to machines too numerous to count, her chest rising and falling in rhythm with the respirator who was covering more than half of her face, a large bandage round her head. Only stain of color being below her left ear, the skin reddish where her hair had been shaved.  
- "Hey sleeping beauty", she whispered "Told you you were stuck with me. Take your time, I'll be right here when you make up", she vowed, caressing Casey's pale cheek with the back of her fingers.

From the door, Don Cragen eyed the scene. He was glad he could be of some help for his Detective. She refused to ask for it although she craved for it. She needed it, because right now, respecting Casey's wish was nearly impossible.  
- "Casey, you have to go through this, Olivia couldn't take it", he prayed.

Turning on his heels, he left the hospital, Olivia knew he was there if necessary.  
Pulling out his cell phone, he speed dialed number 3 and updated briefly the man who answered. He might seem spooky and pretty blasé but John's concern for Casey, and Olivia, was sincere.

Olivia Benson was so focused on Casey that she registered Cragen's departure only a couple hours later when the nurse came in to bring her something to eat.

She realized after his intervention she went straight to Casey's room, not looking back, not thanking him properly. Although she knew he wouldn't hold it against her.  
She didn't even ask about the other members of the squad, she felt so selfish suddenly.

But it warmed her heart that he, not only came here to see if there was anything he could do, but that he pulled some strings for her.  
- "See girl, people care about you, you can't let them down", she whispered.

Rising Casey's hand to her mouth, she kissed its back softly before nuzzling it with her cheek.

_

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__Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	29. Chapter 29

Whaat? Only one review? Ok guess that means I need to work a lot harder on this story, what I post isn't as moving and angsty as I thought _pouts  
_Time to wake up the sleeping beauty, don't ya think? lol

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_New York__ Mercy__ Hospital__  
12 May - 06:42 pm_

Casey woke up after six days of coma, and for the next week, she kept zoning in and out.  
Olivia knew she would have no memory of it but she kept talking with her when she looked conscious enough.

It was weird and very unreal to see her speaking to her one moment, have a real conversation, and then fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. The first time she woke up with no memory at all of their conversation, Olivia freaked out but the doctors assured her it was totally normal with the trauma her body went through and the heavy medication pumped into her body.

Both surgeries went well and there was no sign of cancer, which was a huge relief to both of them.

For her lung, they removed the part with the tumor and there was no bad surprise, the rest of the organ completely sane.  
Casey would have to take it easy for a couple months but she will be fine in the end.

Regarding the meningioma, he warned Casey that she will have to go through radio therapy sessions since a small part of the meningioma couldn't be removed, too risky.

When the nurse left the room after her cares, Olivia entered Casey's room to find her crying silently. Sitting on the matress, facing her, Olivia moved to take her hand but she jerked it away with a loud growl.

Puzzled, Olivia tried again but without success.

- "Case, what is it? What happened?"  
- "Nothing", she whispered between her tears, wiping her cheeks angrily.  
- "Casey?"  
- "Will you just leave me alone!"  
- "No. Tell me what's wrong", she pushed her gently, her voice neutral.  
- "You promised you wouldn't leave me!"  
- "I didn't! I didn't leave your side since you came to surgery"  
- "What about now?", Casey accused her, her voice icy.  
- "Excuse me?"  
- "Where were you?"  
- "Outside, where did you expect me to be? Back home?"  
- "I expected you to be here!", Casey half screamed.  
- "Casey, what happened? Did she hurt you?"  
- "Yes … and … I … why weren't you in here?"  
- "Case honey, you know they prefer not having strangers in the room during the cares"  
- "I don't care what they prefer, I wanted you here, I needed you here!"  
- "Case…"  
- "You are not some kind of stranger Liv, you are my best friend for God's sake!", she yelled then fell silence, her breathing shallow, a hand covering her mouth.  
"I… that's not what I meant Olivia, I mean I … you are not .. I'm so…"

Olivia interrupted her babbling with a hand on her forearm, effectively silencing her.  
- "Case, stop it. Calm down. Take deep breaths. In, out, that's it…slowly", she coached her gently but sternly.

It took a couple minutes but Casey's breathing went back to a more reasonable speed. Her eyes fixed on the cover, she refused to meet Olivia's concerned eyes when she tried to catch her eyes.

- "Now tell me what happened", she queried softly, her hand moving from Casey's forearm to her hand.  
- "I'm sorry Olivia, I shouldn't have said this, I don't want you to feel unconfortable. You are my only friend, I overreacted"  
- "Casey, start at the beginning"  
- "But…"  
- "Ok if this is bothering you so much, I'd feel honoured if you considered me your best friend", she whispered, lifting Casey's chin to force her looking at her, reassuring her with a grin.  
- "No Olivia, I can't ask you … I mean it's not a decision to be made, it's… we have known each other… the situation …."  
- "You are right. It's not a decision to take Case, it's a feeling, it comes from the heart, not from the mind. And we have known each other for close to two years now, what happened lately just brought us closer faster, that's all", she interrupted her gently, squeezing her hand.

She gave her a moment to think about it before going on.

- "So now that this is out of your mind, tell me what happened?"  
- "Nothing really, I …. I overreacted, I'm sorry", she smiled sheepishly.  
- "Case, it's not nothing that have you crying. Please tell me", she requested gently.  
- "I…", she began, avoiding Olivia's eyes, fidgeting with the blanket with her free hand "she…the nurse… she took the drainage tubes out", she winced at the memory causing Olivia to squeeze her hand harder.  
"It… it hurt so much… like my heart was ripped out of my chest…I…wished you've been here…you know… to hold my hand", she breathed, blushing furiously.

When Olivia said nothing, she went on:  
- "Told you it was nothing. I act like a baby, I'm sorry Liv", she forced herself to smile.  
- "Case, it's not nothing, those damn things hurt like hell when they are pulled out", she responded gently.  
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I didn't want you to feel unconfortable with me around… you know as they were changing the bandages, and stuff…", she tried to explain, cursing herself for not sensing Casey's distress.  
- "Liv, there isn't any part of my anatomy that you haven't seen! I'm way behind being ashamed!", she exclaimed, suddently self conscious at how much Olivia has seen of her in the past months.  
- "Are you ashamed?"  
- "Yes"  
- "Why?"  
- "Well, it's not really a normal behavior between friends, don't you think?"  
- "It's not exactly a normal situation either", she countered gently.  
"You have nothing to be ashamed of Casey. I'm glad you accept my friendship in this moment."  
- "And I'm grateful for it Liv, I really am. I just feel I'm asking too much from you. I never had someone this close, I guess I need to learn that there are things I can't ask you, that you can't be by my side 24/7"  
- "I can be if you want me to"  
- "Liv…"  
- "Casey I offered my help in any way you need it. It's for you to decide how you want it: if sleeping in my arms at night keeps the demons away, or if me holding your hand during your cares help you feel better, then that's what I'll do. That's why I'm here for Case"  
- "Doesn't it go beyond friendship?"  
- "Maybe but that's what best friends are for, right?", she smiled an ear to ear smile, assuring the younger woman that everything was fine between them.  
- "Yes", Casey breathed as she freed her hand from Olivia's grasp.

Sensing her need, Olivia gathered her in her arms, hugging her as tight as she dared, not wanting to hurt her.  
- "I'm here for you Case, all you have to do is ask", she whispered, kissing the top of her head.  
- "Thank you", Casey whispered back, her voice laced with tears. Tears of joy…

_

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__Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	30. Chapter 30

Hey all! Well thanks for all the reviews and hits, it's a blast getting the alerts :D  
Time to bring in my second fav character in the show... who is gone from the cast, just like Diane will be in less than a month _sigh_ ... I'm so mad.  
But that's not the point, right ?

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak apartment  
15 May - 04:15 pm_

She can't stand being touched. As much as Olivia wanted to gather her in her arms, she just can't.  
It's not that she refuses but Olivia could tell she was afraid, afraid of the pain. She sees it in her eyes every time she lies down, every time she tries to sit. Everytime she reaches over to help, she winces. It wasn't as strong in the hospital, but now that she's back home, Olivia sees it even more.

Right now she is propped against two fluffy pillows, the sheet up to her hip, not higher. Although she's cold, she refuses to have it any higher, like its weight only could hurt her.  
Wishing she knew how to help her, Olivia can only watch her struggle and is once more reminded that she is only her best friend, that she never experienced what she's going through. She is grateful she is fine, that she came out of surgery alive but she feels that the road is still long.

Watching Casey from the doorstep, Olivia was about to go sit next to her when there was a knock on the front door.  
Puzzled, they certainly didn't expect any visitor on Casey's release day, she went to answer it. Through the peephole, she recognized Casey's ex boss, Elizabeth Donnelly.  
She always striked her as very strict, hard and sharp but the woman standing before her as she opened the door, addressed her a soft smile as she handed her a magnificent floral composition, red and green.

- "I thought flowers wouldn't be appropriate since they are not allowed in hospital's rooms", she explained as she entered the apartment.

- "Liv? Who's there?", Casey called weakly from her room, a hint of fear evident in her voice.  
- "It's…," Liv began but was interrupted by Liz squeezing softly her forearm.  
- "Don't. She might yell at you but she can't throw her ex boss out", she joked at she crossed to the bedroom.  
- "What are you doing here?", Case exclaimed a second later as she saw who was standing on her doorstep.  
- "Taking news since you obviously wouldn't give any", Liz responded defensively, hands on her hips.

When she didn't hear anything more, Liv reached the bedroom as well and stood behind the Judge. Pearing over her shoulder, she saw that Casey was struggling to drink from the glass full of cold water standing on the nightstand by her side.  
Frowning at the lack of help coming from the older woman, Liv went to help Casey.  
Taking the glass, she tipped it enough so Casey could drink. Her eyes trained on her ex boss, she was struggling to do both at the same time. Which in the end she failed to, as she had to concentrate fully on her drink.

Minutes later, Liv straightened out and observed both women. They were equally stubborn and equally glaring at each others.  
Clearing her troath, Liv went to stand in front of the ex EADA, breaking their litle game and offered her some coffee.  
- "Black. Thanks", Liz Donnelly responded with an half smile, her eyes unmoving.

She might not be able to see the young ADA just now but she surely was ready to more glares-war once the Detective would be gone.

Once the Detective had left the room, Liz Donnelly reached the bed in two short strides.  
Sighing, she sat on the mattress, her eyes softening.  
- "I'm sorry for snapping at you Casey", she apologized.

In normal circumstances she wouldn't have but when the Detective wasn't blocking her view anymore, she didn't see a hard nailed ADA but a young woman clearly in pain, with tears in her eyes.

- "S'ok", the young red-hair replied in a low voice "Guess I deserved it"  
- "No you didn't. You deserve to rest after what you've been trough. I'm sorry Casey", she apologized again as she reached over and took Casey's hand in hers, squeezing gently.  
- "So tell me, how are you feeling?", she asked changing subject.  
- "Tired. Sore. A little desoriented and nauseous at times", she listed in a husky voice.  
- "Which is perfectly understandable young lady", she joked.  
- "Yeah, I guess so. But still, it's difficult"  
- "It will get better Casey, I promise you. Besides you have one fine bodyguard taking care of you", she teased her.  
- "She's a true friend", Casey breathed, her eyes downcast.  
- "Hey, what's wrong? Is everything ok with Olivia?", Liz questioned, sensing the change of moood in her young protégée.  
- "Yes don't worry. It's just that… well sometimes I feel like I ask too much from her. That all I am is a burden", she confessed, looking up at her boss with tears running down her pale cheeks.  
- "Casey! You are not!", she responded harshly.  
"You shouldn't think that. Olivia doesn't see you like that, you know it!"  
- "I guess I do but…", she trailed off at the loss of word.  
- "Casey, tell me what's bothering you", she requested as she wiped her tears away.  
- "It's just that she has done already so much. I… the trail is gonna be long and…"

- "And I told you I'll be here every step of the way until you are fully recovered", Olivia Benson stated very matter of factly from the doorstep causing both women to look up quickly towards her.

A second later, after handing over a steamy cup of coffee to Liz Donnelly, she was gone as noiselessly as she entered.

- "Told you she is a true friend", Casey whispered self conciously.  
- "Which I didn't doubt a second Casey", Liz added with a smile, squeezing her hand to emphasize her point.

Not releasing the young woman's hand, Liz Donnelly took a sip from the dark liquid, knowing full well that she wouldn't be able to sleep that night.  
Well, it wouldn't be a first, plenty of their cases keeping her awake at night, sleep eluding her.  
She might have being doing this job for a very long time, some cases where still pretty intense and vicious. She sometimes wondered how younger people, like Casey, even Detective Benson, could find sleep at night.  
How nightmares wouldn't plague them.  
How people like Elliot Stabler would have a healthy family and kids even though he knew the world outside was full of predators.

Sighing, she returned her attention to Casey.  
What she saw brought a huge smile on her lips. Sometimes during her musing, she had fallen asleep, her hand still in hers.  
Watching her sleep a long moment, she used that opportunity to take in her general appearance. She didn't dare doing it earlier as the young woman was fully awake, since it would have been painfully rude, even between friends, but now she took in everything: the dark circles under her eyes, the drawn features, the pale skin, the bandage around her head, the weight lost.

- "Thank you", Liz Donnelly whispered as she was on the doorstep.  
- "What for?", Liv querried. She was certainly not used to Judge Donnelly making her compliments, or thanking her for anything.  
- "For this", she answered with a nod towards Casey's bedroom  
"For her".  
- "Com'on she would have come around it"  
- "Don't be so sure Olivia, she can be pretty stubborn at times"  
- "To the point of dying?"  
- "I expected it yes", she admitted  
"So thank you for being such a good friend", she added before heading out.

Olivia stood puzzled there a moment more before closing the door noislessly.

On tiptoes, she went to check on Casey before retreating to the living room. As she was closing the bedroom's door, the light coming from the corridor behind her bathed the young sleeping woman in an angelic glow.

Olivia observed her a moment more before fully closing the door, wishing she'd sleep a couple hours, yet knowing it wasn't likely.  
She'd be awake in barely half an hour.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	31. Chapter 31

Hmmm the more hits this story gets, the more I'm inclined to add chapters. But I resist so far!

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_New York __Mercy __Hospital  
21 May - 11:30 am_

She had been so immersed in reading the file that she hadn't noticed the late hour.  
When her cell phone buzzed at her waist, she answered it more out of obligation than anything; she was sure she was close to find something in that amount of notes and found the interruption a little annoying.

On the other end of the line was nurse Berson from New York Mercy Hospital.

Casey's treatment ended much earlier than usual and she advised her strongly to get there fast.  
She didn't like the tone in her voice, something was definitivly going on. That made her drive to the hospital in a record time, sirens yelling, eventhought it was a private emergency.

When she reached Casey's room, she frowned when reading "oxygen in use" on the door.  
It explained itself when she entered; Casey was under an oxygen tent which Olivia clearly didn't expect. The previous times, they used an oxygen mask but that was something utterly new.

The nurse was in Casey's room, checking her vitals on the monitor.  
She nodded, acknowledging Olivia's presence then went back to her task.

Her room was plunged into darkness, save for the small lamp on her nighstand. It was Maddie's present to her auntie and everytime she had to do medical exams, no matter how long it lasted, Casey would take it with her.

It represented a lion, Casey's astrological sign. When plugged to the wall, the lion's eyes and herbs surrounding it would turn green, almost the same colour as Casey's eyes. No doubt it took some time to find it, even be a special order from the little girl.

Olivia was mesmerized by the bond those two shared, it was magical to see them together, to see them interact. She didn't think saying that Maddie was Casey's anchor to life was too much. From the first time they met in Central Park, the little girl would be around Casey as much as possible. Although ever since the surgery and she began undergoing treatments, the younger woman didn't allow anyone around her, only Olivia and the day nurse.  
But they would call the family as regularly as possible.

She smirked at the thought, the Novaks acted towards her like she was a member of the family. It was weird for her who never had one, except for her mother, but it felt nice.  
Whenever Casey's father called to get news about his daughter, he'd ask about her too.  
So did her brothers. And they were not just putting her off the scent, it was genuine concern.  
At the beginning, no doubt it was as some sort of obligation for taking care of Casey, but now it ran deeper. And she was glad. Although it was hard at times, she knew she had the family behind her. And it helped a lot to know that.

Dragging a chair close to the bed, Olivia sat noiselesly on it.  
The oxygen tent didn't allow her to touch Casey, although she longed to, like she always did. Casey had to go through the treatments alone and Olivia made sure she wasn't alone when she was brought back to her room then woke up.  
Although today she totally missed her goal.  
Hopefully, Casey didn't awake so far.

Leaning closer, her hand reached under the covers, seeking Casey's.  
But instead of encountering soft skin, her fingers brushed what felt like leather. Pushing the covers aside, she gasped as she saw the straps.  
Hastily standing, she circled the bed moving back the covers both at her hands and feet: Casey was entraved by leather capitoned straps.  
- "What the fuck are those?", she asked the nurse.  
- "We had no choice, she was pretty restless", she responded, not even looking up from her chart. Which pissed off Olivia big time.  
- "Take them off", she instructed in her best Detective's tone.  
- "I'm sorry, it's just not possible Detective"  
- "Take them off', she repeated sternly, detaching every syllabus.  
- "Doctor's orders Detective, there is nothing I can do"  
- "Get him here"  
- "Detective ..."  
- "Get him here now or I take them off myself", bending she moved to the straps, effectively getting the nurse to move.  
- "Ok I'll see if I can find him"  
- "You'd better", she advised her as she sat back on the chair "She's an officer of the Court and I'm a Detective with NYPD. If you used unecessary force on her, be ready for a lot of trouble"

It took some time but the Doctor agreed on removing Casey's straps. She was still pretty quiet and Olivia had some difficulties to imagine Casey so restless that they'd need to restrain her so badly.  
But the images of a kicking and whimpering Casey trashing on her bed in ER back in February filled her head.  
Pain could indeed turn her quite agitated and uncontrollable. And it was painful to watch, knowing full well there is nothing you could do to ease her pain.

Still they'd have taken them off as soon as she arrived without her express request; she always did stay by Casey's side until she was ready to go home.  
But she trusted the doctors to know what was best for their patients. She herself didn't like it very much when people told her how to do her job.

The straps removed, bleeding cuts appeared. Seemed that before they could restrain her, Casey ripped off her oxygen mask and IV a couple time, and scratched herself in the fight against the nurses, doctors and stretcher bearers.  
She was out, under sedatives, so they didn't expect a violent reaction from such a weak patient. Guess they'd know for next time. But Olivia vowed that it wouldn't happen again. Next time she'd stay at the hospital the same amount of time as Casey: they'd enter and exit together. No go back to the squad room or her apartment for some paperwork.

What took place today will never happen again, her place was by Casey's side 24/7.

She made a mental note to call Captain Cragen later on to let him know about it.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	32. Chapter 32

OMG, 10 000 hits on this story?! That's like 300 per chapter?  
-- _mouth open_ ... I can't believe this! Thank you so much to every single reader and every single reviewer, that's just woowwww.  
I hadn't planned to update before monday but that's my way of celebrating this news!

This chapter is on my fav list, a little angsty but still C/O moments...

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
28 May - 11:53 pm_

- "You can't sleep?", she queried, worried by the late hour. It had been quite some times since Casey suffered from insomnia, and the Doctor requested a maximum of rest.  
- "I can't let you do that", she stated.  
- "What are you talking about?"  
- "You perfectly know it Olivia. I can't allow you to quit your job"  
- "I'm not quitting Casey, I'm just taking some time off"  
- "Some? Are you kidding? Six months isn't some time Olivia! It's a hell of a time", she chuckled.  
- "It's my decision Casey, it doesn't concern you", she responded defensively.  
- "How can you say that? It has everything to do with me, it's my entire fault!"  
- "Fault? This has nothing to do with fault. We already discussed it Casey, you need to rest but you can't stay on your own. That's why I'm taking time off. Besides, there will still be loads of pervs when I get back"  
- "I refuse", she stated stubbornly.  
- "You can't, I'm not asking your permission"  
- "You sure as hell should, it's my place!", she yelled as she bolted out of the bed.  
- "Getting territorial again Counselor?", she smirked.

For the past week, Casey has been pretty territory conscious. Whenever Olivia would get close to her, she would jerk away. Even at night she'd sleep curled on her side, facing away from the Detective; and she surely didn't get enough sleep.

- "What are you talking about?"  
- "Your behavior Casey. You're closing yourself from me. And it's not healthy"  
- "You are not my lifebelt Olivia."  
- "I'm your friend. Tell me what's wrong", she pleaded, rising to stop Casey's frenzied pacing around the room.  
- "Nothing. Everything's fine"  
- "I won't leave you alone until you tell me the truth"  
- "It's going to be a long night then", she retorted bitterly, freeing herself from Olivia's hands and entering the living room.

For a long time, Olivia, leaning against the doorjamb, said nothing, just observing Casey from a distance. She was back to pace the room, muttering under her breath.  
The older woman knew it was a matter of time before she would stop it and flop down onto the couch. She just didn't have enough strength to keep that kind of activity for long. Besides, she didn't want to turn her against herself if she used force.  
So she waited. And not before long, Casey stopped in her tracks, short of breath, flopped down onto the couch, her eyes lost in her hands' observation.

Smiling, Olivia went to sit by her side but kept herself a few inches from her. She knew a physical contact wouldn't be welcomed.

- "Now that you wore yourself out, you ready to talk?", she asked, observing Casey's profile.  
- "No", she stated very matter of factly.  
- "I sure as hell can't force you to, but you can listen", she tried.  
- "Like I could stop you", she smirked.  
- "What the fuck is wrong with you lately?", Olivia exploded. "You are pushing me away and now you are all but insulting me? What's going on?"

As expected, she got no reply from Casey whose eyes were now fixed on some imaginary point on the far away wall, her jaw grit.

- "Casey, I can't imagine what you are going through, I won't pretend to know how you feel. But I'm your friend and I wish you would talk to me about what's bothering you", she explained simply.  
- "I can't", Casey whispered in a barely audible voice.  
- "Sure you can. Use words, just like you do in Court. You know pronouns, nouns, verbs, that kind of things…", she tried to joke but failed miserably.  
- "Yeah in Court, this is different, this is life"  
- "Not by much"  
- "Yes it is", she admitted in a low voice before falling silent a moment.  
"I'm not used to it"  
- "What? Life?"  
- "No. Friendship, someone caring about me, about how I feel"  
- "Oh. Well I do, you know that"  
- "I know Liv and it means a lot. I just need to get used to it, on a daily basis."  
- "Is it what's bothering you? That it won't last daily?"  
- "Kind of…"  
- "Care to explain it to me?"  
- "I… Liv, last week I… I mean you saw me in a way I never wanted you to…"  
- "What do you mean?"  
- "The hospital, after the…"  
- "You mean the radiotherapy session?"  
- "Yeah"  
- "Why is it bothering you so much?"  
- "I was not exactly at my best and…"  
- "Well I wasn't really expecting you to do the French cancan…"  
- "That's exactly it Liv, I don't want you to see me like this again. Ever…"  
- "Are you kicking me out? Out of your life?"  
- "No, but I don't want you to come to the hospital anymore…"  
- "You are kidding right?"  
- "No. I'm sorry Liv, I don't mean to upset you but…"  
- "I'm not upset, I'm disappointed. You can't ask me this to impose how I see you. We are friends, you've seen me low, I've seen you low, what's the damn big deal?"  
- "Olivia I was strapped to a fucking bed, after kicking, screaming, and hell even biting! Do you honestly want me to believe those images didn't stay in your mind?", she yelled, infuriated by Olivia's gentle methodic tone.  
- "Of course not"  
- "There…"  
- "But it is natural Casey, you just came out from a week of pretty aggressive treatments. It will happen again but I won't see you any different"  
- "Com'on Liv, don't lie to me. When you look at me, don't tell me you don't see a weak woman who's only capable of crying, sleeping and vomiting"  
- "No!"  
- "Don't lie!"  
- "I'm not Casey. When I look at you I see a woman who's going through a lot. A woman who fights like hell"  
- "I am not"  
- "Yes you are Casey and you know it. You being sick is part of the treatment. I knew it from the moment I offered my help, I haven't changed my mind. Once all of this is over, once you are fully recovered, you will still be strong, and independent, as you always were", she said simply, cradling Casey's face in her hands.

As Olivia cradled her face in her hands, Casey looked long and deep into her brown eyes, reading nothing in them but the truth.  
Her caring was true but she had to hold on to her decision, she wouldn't be able to stand Liv's seeing her that weak again.

- "I still don't want you to come"  
- "Case", Liv warned her, already scratching her brain for arguments.  
- "Liv, please, I don't want you to. But I desperately need you in my life"  
- "What do you have in mind?", she asked, ready to hear her idea then counter it.  
- "You go back to work…"  
- "Case…", she interrupted her, work was the last place where she wanted to be.  
- "… and I hire a day nurse to accompany me to the hospital. Nothing change Liv, I just …"  
- "You just prefer a complete stranger to help you", she responded, clearly hurt.  
- "No, I don't want to ruin our friendship Liv, I don't want you to see me like some broken person"  
- "I'm not!"  
- "But you will"  
- "You greatly underestimate me", she snapped.  
- "I don't.", she smiled, pushing an errand strand behind Liv's ear.  
"Liv, the treatments will last at best four more months. After a time there is no way you won't see me like that. And I don't want you to, I couldn't take it, I couldn't stand seeing it in your eyes"  
- "Casey…", she began but the pleading look in the younger woman's eyes made her stop whatever argument she was ready to use.  
"Ok, we will do it your way", she breathed resting her forehead against Casey's.  
- "Thank you", she whispered.  
- "But it's not set in stone. You can change your mind anytime", she assured her, looking long and deep into her green eyes.  
- "I know", she smiled.  
- "I will have to call Cragen, I'm not sure how he is going to take it"  
- "Fine", she responded with a chuckle "He expects you on Monday"  
- "You contacted him?"  
- "Yes", she admitted lowering her eyes. "I had to know if I didn't do already too much damage".  
- "You couldn't, don't worry about it. You know I should be mad at you for setting me up like this"  
- "Are you?", she queried, afraid she crossed a line with the Detective.  
- "No, of course not. I just want what's best for you", she forced herself to smile. Not wanting Casey to witness how much her decision hurt her feelings, she gathered her in a tight hug.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	33. Chapter 33

Geez almost 500 hits over the last couple days? Hmmmm you know how to make my day, don't you?  
To answer a couple questions: this story is only archived here but I put a link on Casey/Olivia LJ ; and their friendship will evolve soon, I promise...

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
6th June - 06:42 pm_

Finding a day nurse was much more difficult than what she expected. She has that strong belief that anyone in that particular field ought to be utterly competent and slightly skilled.  
But after the last couple days, she had no other choice than realize she had been wrong.

First one, Betty, was a middle aged woman who, as her resume stated, had been working as day nurse for the last ten years.  
How could she have been? Oh yes she was skilled but as a prison guard not as a day nurse for anyone who was going through aggressive radiotherapy sessions every two days.  
She took pride in following every single Doctor's order, which would have been fine under any other circumstances. Right now, what Casey needed was more a support than some kind of 'to do list' follower.  
Doctor said it'd be best for Casey to rest after the sessions and try to not stay in bed too much. Which Betty thought it meant she actually had to wake the young woman up after four hours rest. When Olivia found out about this, that's not the only thing she did: she althought found out that making Casey eat to keep her strength was highly exagerated. Her diet was very strict, first due to the nature of her treatment and second to her total lack of appetite in the hours following it. So forcing Casey to eat after waking up wasn't exactly what Olivia considered a competent behavior either.

Missy replaced Betty after a couple days. Olivia kicked her out the second she realised some personal belongings like CDs were missing. As soon as she flashed her badge, she left, this confirming Olivia's suspicions. Suspicions leaning on tangible facts of course.

Suzy wasn't that bad. She was a little too young for Olivia's taste but she was going along with Casey, which as a good sign after the two previous fiascos.  
But she proved to be Betty's total opposite, not boherinf to check on Casey from time to time or help her bath once she was a little rested.

Now, as she was heading home, she wondered what today's surprise would be.  
She hated letting complete strangers take care of Casey but that was Casey's strict request and she couldn't deny her.

They had fallen into some sort of routine in the past two months: she had gone back to work but was strictly assigned to deskwork, which infuriated Elliot.  
The day he found out she had moved in Casey's apartment, the mere thought of what he accused her of made her stomach twirl. The bastard accused her of…. No she couldn't think about this right now.  
Entering the apartment full of anger wasn't helping Casey at all, she knew that by now. She needed to stay focused on Casey the moment she went home, otherwise the younger woman felt it and had a very hard time opening up to her.  
And she couldn't deny it to her.

They decided together as how they'd live this through: Olivia back to work but Casey's needs being more important than any emergency that could arise at work, they, Don Cragen and herself, came to the conclusion that deskwork was her best option. First days had been rough, she wasn't used to it at all but after catching herself a couple time thinking of how Casey was doing, wondering if today's treatment didn't leave her too tired, she realised she xould have put her life, and those around her, in danger if she kept being in the field.  
The day nurse would arrive right before she left for work, thyus they could have breakfast together.  
Then, at the beginning of the afternoon, four times a week, she'd drive her to her raditherapy's sessions and back home, once cleared by her doctor.  
And Olivia would be home around dinner. Usually Casey was still asleep, but sometimes she'd be waiting for her channel's surfind.

Olivia hated being left off, she wished Casey would allow her to drive her to and from the hospital but she had been very clear from the very beginning when they were sitting in the oncologist's office where he explained them the treatmen and its effects on Casey.  
Right away, the young woman refused for Olivia to come with her.  
She had seen her after surgery, helped her through it but she wouldn't allow her around after the radiotherapy, not when the nausea making her throw up any food for at least six hours, the fever could make her delirious, even delisuonal.

So she agreed as hard as it was. Although deep down she was a cop and not a nurse, and she might not be able to help Casey as much as necessary if she played that role.  
So she resolved in finding her the best day nurse possible: one she could trust and lean on.  
One she could too.

When she stepped in Casey's apartment, Olivia Benson's senses were assaulted by a strong scent of pasta and delicious aromas.  
Sandy was sitting on the couch but she noticed rightaway the baby receiver sitting by her side. No doubt the other part was in Casey's room.

Following her gaze the young woman explained herself:  
- "She had been asleep for two hours but the door keeps rousing her. So with this I can check on her without troubling her sleep"

"One point for you" Olivia thought but didn't say it aloud, she took mental note to fix that door over the week end.

- "It smells evenly. What's that?", she asked when rounding the counter in the kitchen and gazing down at the plates already dressed, with a top to keep them warm.  
- "Pasta à la Sandy", she explained as she joined her, the received now in her hand.

She put it on the counter next to her as she rose the top so Olivia could see what was on the plates: pasta, chicken and vegetables on her place, same on Casey's but without vegetables.  
- "Casey said earlier she was hungry and hadn't eaten chicken in a long time", she went on by her side.  
- "Only two plates?", Olivia querried.  
- "Yes"  
- "But you prepared it. You don't want to join us?", Olivia asked her, not wanting to sound rude by not inviting her to stay for dinner.  
- "No thanks, I did this because Casey was awfully tired today so I knew I had a couple hours to kill"  
- "How is she?", Olivia querried gently, her gaze cast towards the bedroom whose door was closed.  
- "Good. We went back a little later than usual because the Doctor found her a little deshydrated for his liking. But everything is fine now", she assured her sensing her next question.  
- "She had been sleeping for the last 3 hours and a half, and the fever went down over an hour ago. I think she'd be out for a couple hours more"  
"Thanks Sandy. And thanks for keeping me up to date during the day", Olivia told her hastly refering to Sandy's text messages along the day.  
"That helps a lot"  
- "Not a problem. That way you know everything and you don't have to call so Casey won't get upset", Sandy smiled at her, reminding her of the secret code she had set up with the Detective. A code Casey didn't need to know about.

Olivia was a control freak who needed to be reassured on Casey's condition often. A need Sandy instantly understood.  
On the other hand, Casey didn't want Olivia to be bothered during her work so she'd have refused such intruction in the Detective's work.  
Thus they didn't told her and what Casey didn't know couldn't hurt her, right?

As she escorted the nurse to the door, Olivia thought that the fourth try looked like the right one.  
She'd have to ask Casey about it over the week end to make sure but Sandy certainly looked like the perfect nurse to handle the job.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	34. Chapter 34

Well I'm more than ready to get used to all the hits... you're just the best! Thank you so much!! _happy grin_  
I sooo can't wait to post the next chapters, they are my abs fav

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
26 July - 2:45 pm_

When Olivia entered the apartment, she expected it to be quiet but it was quite the opposite.  
From Casey's room, she'd hear muffled cries and whispers.  
Taking off her holster, cell and badge, she went to it noiselessly, curious as what brought all that noise.  
Usually when she came back from work, Casey would be sound asleep and Sandy, the day nurse, surfing tv.

Pushing the door open, she gasped when taking in the scene: Casey was curled up in a tight ball, a pillow hugged to her chest, shivering and whimpering under a pile of wool blankets.

Crouching by her head, Sandy was trying to catch her eye but without much success.

- "What's going on? Casey?", she interrogated as she stepped in the room.

Sandy spun around harshly; she clearly hadn't heard her come in.

- "Olivia, you're home early", she answered.  
- "Sandy, what's wrong with Casey?", she asked again as she circled the bed and sat by Casey, a hand coming to rest on her hip.  
- "She's been that way ever since we left the hospital. She's freezing".  
- "Why didn't they keep her?", she requested, her hand moving to brush Casey's cheek. She might be freezing but her skin was burning.  
- "No room available. Besides, you know they refuse to keep patients who suffer from side effects", she reminded her gently.  
- "Yeah they prefer to send them home. I hate it when they do that", she stated bitterly.  
- "Olivia, don't worry, it's not unusual you know".  
- "This happened before?"  
- "Casey's body is fighting a pretty nasty invader, the treatments are rather aggressive", she tried to explain calmly.  
- "So this happened before. Why didn't you tell me?", she was pissed now.  
- "Olivia, it's the evil of those treatments, some days are harder than others."  
- "Why didn't you tell me?", she asked again, temper raising.  
- "Because there was no use, she'll be fine, don't worry"  
- "I worry! Ok?", she snapped at the young nurse.

Between them, Casey made her presence even more known, her whimpers growing louder, her moans turning to words. In fact she was whimpering Olivia's name.  
Over and over again, like a mantra. Olivia felt tears well up in her eyes at it, the despair in her voice breaking her soul and heart.

Kicking off her boots and loosening her sleeveless red shirt from the waistband of her black jeans, she crawled on the bed, stepping over Casey's body. Then she laid on her side, facing her, reaching under the blankets for her hands. Grabbing hold of them, she tugged gently until Casey moved towards her. Suddenly she was engulfed under a pile of blankets with Casey's feverish body sagged against her.

Casey didn't stop her whimpering, calling her name, even though she was snuggled up to Olivia and encased in her arms.  
- "S'ok Casey, I'm here now. Shh calm down. Everything's fine sweetheart", she whispered again and again, kissing her feverish forehead and cheeks, everything her lips could reach, cuddling her, making her feel her presence.

It took quite a while, but in the end, Casey calmed down and fell into a feverish sleep. Which wasn't to reassure Olivia but at least, she was a lot calmer.  
Gazing up, she saw Sandy hasn't moved an inch, staying at arm's length in case she was needed.

- "Sandy, you can take the afternoon off", she whispered.  
- "Are you sure?"  
- "Yeah, I'll handle her"  
- "I can stay if you want"  
- "Really, we will be fine, don't worry. I'm sure the boys won't mind seeing you"

As she was about to leave, Sandy went back to Olivia's side, she might be of some help.

- "You know she likes taking a bath once up to it and…"  
- "…and she doesn't like me to see her like this. I know Sandy. But I want to"  
- "She scared you, didn't she?", she stated more than asked.  
- "Yeah", Olivia admitted in a low voice "I had no idea she could be so sick. I thought after the first couple weeks, it'd be easier on her. But I've been wrong"  
- "Olivia…"  
- "I guess deep down I knew it but seeing it is something else", she said as she tightened her hold on Casey. "You should have told me, I should have been here", she said but her voice was void of any accusation towards the younger woman.  
- "She wouldn't have accepted it, you know that. That's how she wants to handle it Olivia, leave her that space" ", she reminded her not wanting her to feel guilty.  
- "You're right but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty".  
- "You have no reason to feel guilty Olivia. I've seen many patients going through what Casey is and I can assure you that I rarely meet parents, husbands, wives, children as dedicated as you are. There are not so many people who would not only be present for the people they care for, but although be there nights and days to guide them. And that's exactly what you are doing Olivia, you are there for her 24/7 and it brings her more comfort and strength than you can imagine"

Olivia was deeply touched by Sandy's words.  
Sure she hoped her presence by Casey's side was helping her, but hearing her saying it was warming her. She was not always sure that she was of any help, they fought from time to time, Casey feeling Olivia's presence a little too much, but what mattered at this moment was that Casey went from wanting to die to going through surgery, and now going through radiotherapy. She was willing to fight for her life.  
And even tough she refused to take all credit for it; Olivia knew she contributed to it.

As she was musing over this, Sandy Nash went to the other side of the bed and retrieved some blankets. Casey was still cold but the proximity of Olivia's body was warming her. Therefore, she took a couple off and rearranged the other ones so they didn't cover the older woman anymore. She sure was warm enough with Casey's feverish body pressed against her.

Looking down, she smiled. Casey Novak reminded her so much of her younger boy, Michael. Whenever he was sick as a child and even some now that he was a teenager, he would snuggle in her arms, unable to sleep if she wasn't close. That's exactly what happened between the two friends, Casey was unable to sleep properly until Olivia went back home. Unconsciously her presence secured her. Which was fine since Olivia was very attentive and dedicated towards her. There is no way she would refuse bringing her any comfort.

Once done, she left the room and went back to set Casey's medication on the nightstand. She'd need to take them once she would wake up. For a second, she feared Casey's reaction when she will wake up, finding Olivia already with her. But maybe she wouldn't wake up before twilight, which already happened, thus she wouldn't know that Olivia was home much earlier today and saw her so weak.  
She was although confident that Olivia would know how to handle her.

Squeezing Olivia's shoulder on her way out, she exited the apartment noiselessly.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	35. Chapter 35

Okie, I admit I just can't resit posting a second chapter today. I'm so eager to post and get your feelings about it, and the next chapters, I just can't stop myself.  
Ohhh and Elliot is on the next chapter... hint hint ... I'm gonna have my a kicked _grin_

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
02 August - 10:22 am_

Days later, Olivia Benson finally found the courage to talk to Casey.  
She had meant to before but didn't know how to broach the subject. It was a touchy one for Casey and knowing her opinion on it, she knew she'd fight her. And honestly, she didn't have much arguments to counter hers.

She was preparing breakfast when Casey called her from the bathroom.  
Worried that something happened, she rushed to it, knocking softly on the unlocked door to make her presence known.

Casey was soaking in the tube full of bubbles, her head resting on its back, eyes closed.

- "Case? Need anything?", she queried in a low voice, not wanting to startle her.  
- "No, but I believe you do", she stated, her eyes opening slowly to focus on her.  
- "What are you talking about?"  
- "You tell me Liv. You've been tiptoeing around me for the last couple days. Makes me think that whater you have to tell me must be huge to make you act like this", she whispered, returning her look to the ceiling.  
- "Nothing, really", she lied, surprised that the younger woman had picked up on her behaviour.  
- "Liv, please don't lie to me. We promised to be frank to each other"  
- "I know. It's just that…", she began then stopped, unsure as how to present her case.

She clearly didn't intend to have this conversation just now, in these conditions. Nevertheless, she although knew she couldn't lie to Casey.

Taking a deep breath, she went to sit by the tube.

For a moment she was silent, observing Casey who hadn't moved an inch.

- "Casey, about the other day…"  
- "What day?"  
- "Last week… I … I came home much earlier than what I told you"  
- "What do you mean? You said you came back around 7!? Did you lie to me?", she accused her sharply, her eyes shooting daggers at the older woman.  
- "I went home shortly before 3 …", she explained.  
- "So you saw me", she stated disgusted.  
"You came back earlier and saw me in a state I forbid you to"  
- "Yes", Olivia admitted in a low voice, her eyes fixed on the floor.  
- "So this is what it is all about? You are leaving.", Casey stated very matter of factly.  
- "What?? No!!", Olivia's head shot up, meeting Casey's terrified look. She had totally misread her.  
- "That's the only explanation Olivia. I knew it would happen", she whispered, rising slowly from the tube, not caring about her state of nakedness in front of her now ex friend.  
"I understand Olivia", she went on in the same defeated tone.

Reaching for her robe, she draped it tight around her shivering body, before coming to sit heavily on her bed.

Olivia stayed disconcerted on the bathroom floor, not believing what just happened.  
Casey read in her the total opposite of what she meant. Not that she could blame her, she barely uttered three words.

Rising as well, she went to Casey's bedroom but didn't enter it.  
She stood on the threshold, observing the younger woman. She was sitting on her bed, eyes fixed on the floor, tears running down her pale cheeks.

After a long moment, she looked up, and her eyes held a sadness that brought Olivia's heart.  
Because she was the one who caused it.

- "Olivia, I… I want to thank you for all you have done. I know I'm not an easy person to live with. What you did means a lot…", she whispered as she hugged herself tight, rocking herself.

Looking at her, Olivia knew she had to do something, say something, before Casey said something she would regret.

Mentally kicking her body into action, she finally found her voice, and interrupted the young woman's tearful speech, coming to crouch in front of her:

- "Case, you don't understand…"  
- "Olivia, don't try to explain yourself. It's ok, really", she interrupted her, looking down at her with the saddest look she had ever seen.  
- "Case, I made you a promise: to stick with you until you are declared 100 cured. I am not going to break my promise. What I wanted to ask you is to change your mind, to allow me to take you to the sessions."  
- "You are not leaving me?", Casey asked her, a look of utter surprise on her face.  
- "No, of course not. I'm not going anywhere Casey. I want the exact opposite", she whispered, waiting eagerly for Casey's response.  
- "Why?"  
- "Because I'm your friend Casey, we are best friends, my place is there, with you", she argumented, not sure it would help any.  
- "I don't get it. Why would you want to?"  
- "For the same reasons I was with you at the hospital after your surgeries. For the same reasons I'm here now", she explained, not elaborating on the subject.  
"Please?", she pleaded her.  
- "Are you sure?", Casey asked her a moment later, sniffling back her tears.  
- "Yes, more than anything", Olivia answered honestly.  
"I know you weren't confortable that I saw you sick after your first week of radiotherapy sessions. I respected your wish as long as I could but seeing you like this, I… Casey I need to be there with you, be there for you", she tried to explain but to her ears, she failed miserably.

She didn't dare looking up at Casey, so she lowered her eyes to the floor.

Seconds ticked by which felt like hours to Olivia Benson.  
She mentally crossed her fingers that Casey would change her mind and allow her to accompany her to the radiotherapy sessions again.  
But she although knew there was high chance she wouldn't change her mind.

And she would have to respect that, even if it meant breaking her heart knowing full well Casey was dead sick after each treatment; that the images of her best friend drenched with sweat, whimpering, calling her name over and over again in some stranger's arms will haunt her.

- "I'd love that", Casey whispered a moment later.  
- "Seriously?", Olivia exclaimed, looking up hastly at her.  
- "Yes", she went on shyly.  
"I… Sandy told me… she told me I… I was asking for you … it … well it made me think… I…"

Standing, Olivia went to sit by Casey' side, draping an arm around her shoulder, stopping her babbling:

- "I'm glad", she whispered "I'm glad you trust me enough to…"  
- "It had nothing to do with trust Olivia. I do trust you, more than anyone, more than you might know. But… it's… it is pride not trust", she admitted softly, her eyes meeting Olivia's.  
- "Case, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have nothing to hide from me, ok?", she assured her, running her hand through red damp hair.  
"Com'on, let's get you changed into something warmer, you're gonna catch a cold", Olivia advised gently before Casey could respond.

For her the subject was closed, and she would have screamed with happiness if she dared to.

_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	36. Chapter 36

Okay, well I'm not an Elliot's fan, and even less an O/E one. I'm pretty sure you'll see from this chapter ! lol  
This one is def on my top 5 fav chapter. I cross my fingers it'll have the same impact on you.

Special note:  
- to my faithful readers & reviewers: thank you so much for sticking with this story from the beginning ;  
- and special hug to CNovak929: first for pushing me to post this story when I didn't trust my writing at all anymore, and second for reviewing every chapter added while you were away (you missed chapter 24 btw ... lol)

Now as for bringing the squad in, honestly I didn't. A tiny mention of why is in this chapter (don't blink you might miss it! lol ... ok poor humor I officially read Lucy Lawless's blog way too much these days :p).  
I did for Liz Donnelly because I'm an abs fan of her character and of Judith Light ; Don Cragen because, although I'm not fond of his character in the show, he is 'useful' in my story ; Munch is mentioned in a previous chapter. Funny that, as much as I dislike his character in the show, Elliot is on the most, but well his fans might kick my ass after reading this... lol

Next chapter will be what everyone might be waiting for!!

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
11 August - 7:18 am_

She didn't realize she had drifted off to sleep until Casey's weak voice woke her up.  
Puzzled, she opened her eyes to see her trying to sit up in bed.

- "Elliot?", she whimpered.  
- "Casey? What is it?", Olivia asked, frowning at the young woman sudden agitation.  
- "Elliot…I saw…him", she replied between laboured breathing.

She didn't need to turn around to know Casey imagined it.

- "Casey, Elliot is not here", she replied, squeezing her hand  
"You want to see him?", she questioned, although it wasn't likely.

Casey's painful chuckle proved her she was right.  
- "No", she gulped some air in her aching body "I made enough….enough damage to burn in hell a lifetime".  
- "You didn't!", exclaimed Olivia, surprised by Casey's speech.  
- "Com'on O …", she stopped, trying to catch her breath "Ol… Liv", she smiled at her "I broke a…ten years fr…. friendship", she articulated, tears welling up in her eyes.  
- "Six… besides it wasn't really a friendship as strong as I thought", she retorted.  
- "Liv…", she began before being interrupted by a long coughing fit.  
- "Casey, stop talking. Please? You only aggravate your breathing. The Doctor ordered you full rest", she pleaded as she sat on the mattress.

Grabbing the abandoned oxygen mask, she placed it over Casey's mouth before raising the bed to a more upright position.  
It didn't take long before the exhausted woman went back to sleep. As soon as her breathing turned deep and even, Olivia lowered the bed back down.

She just stayed there, her warm hand cradled in hers, caressing her cheek with the back of her fingers.

Last night, she felt her getting up and asked her if she needed anything, but Casey assured her that everything was fine, she just needed a glass of cold water. Olivia was just dozing back off when she heard a dull noise coming from the living room. Rushing towards it, she found her passed out on the floor, her breathing laboured, dripped with sweat.  
The doctor warned them about this, and since her immune system was rather low, she preferred to take no risk and called an ambulance.  
They will keep her in observation for the next couple hours before sending her home for the week-end. And on Monday she will be back for her radiotherapy session.

Olivia sighed deeply, she was tired. Not especially physically but emotionally.

She didn't get used to see Casey so weak. And last night wake up call was certainly not what she would have chosen.  
Radio therapy sessions were scheduled three times a week, and went for the last two months. She was down for 48 hours and barely back on her feet to go through an other session. She didn't know how she supported it.  
Although she knew that she had no memories of it. In her deep exhausted state, she could only manage enough strength to go from home to the hospital, and back. In between, Olivia knew everything was blind. This wasn't a bad thing. For Casey at least. For her, it was a little difficult to handle at time. But they were halfway into the sessions and the Doctor told them that from now till the end of them, Casey's body would have growing difficulties to accept the treatment. Which meant she'd get worse. Which meant that what happened last night was likely to happen again.  
And Olivia wasn't sure she could handle it all.

A strong scent filled the air. A scent she'd have recognised among dozens. A scent she was used to recognize after years of partnership, of shared stakeouts.

- "What are you doing here?", she growled, not turning around.

At first she got no response, then she heard light footstep enter the room.

- "See how you are…", Detective Stabler began.  
- "Like you cared…go out Stabler!", she half shouted, stopping herself before waking Casey up.  
- "Olivia, I'm sorry", he whispered but once more she interrupted him, this time facing him.  
- "You have nothing to do here Stabler. Now leave".  
- "Liv…"  
- "Detective Benson."  
- "Listen, I'm sorry, I was out of the line when I told you …"  
- "When you told me..."you doing girls now?" Aren't those your exact words? That I was fucking her because I couldn't get over you? Grow up Stabler, get your head out of your own ass", she finished in an icy voice.  
- "I'm sorry, I was angry. I shouldn't have said that"  
- "You're damn right Stabler. All I ever did was take care of her"  
- "I thought she was manipulating you", he admitted shamely.  
- "Excuse me??", her voice raising again.  
- "I thought she was playing sick to turn you away from me", he admitted.

Speechless, Olivia turned her attention to Casey who was getting restless in bed, whimpering softly. No doubt disturbed by their altercation.

- "Like she would make up something like that", she whispered softly.  
- "Olivia, I'm so sorry", he pleaded but she didn't turn around to face him, all her being focused on Casey.

Her hand rose to caress her cheek, the other grabbing her hand just a tad tighter.  
- "Shh Case, it's okay, you are just dreaming. Everything's fine."

She smiled when Casey' hand, the one resting by her head on the pillow, grabbed hers and nuzzled it with her cheek. Then she caught it between the pillow and her cheek.

- "You can't stay here"  
- "Olivia..."  
- "How did you know we were here?"  
- "I went to Casey's place and found it empty. The neighbor told me what happened last night"  
- "And you thought you had any right to come here?", she laughed bitterly.  
- "Olivia, I was worried about you"  
- "Mrs Anderson tells you Casey was taken here in an ambulance, and you worry about me? Knock it out Stabler, you never cared about anyone but yourself"  
- "That's not true!"  
- "And what were you doing there in the first place? I thought I had been clear when asking everyone from the precinct to step back. It was Casey's wish."  
- "She really has you wrapped around her little finger", he scowled.

Olivia didn't think, didn't think of the consequences her outburst would have on Casey, she just acted on Elliot's statement.

Jumping on her feet, she grabbed him by the collar and shoved him out of the room. He smashed in the corridor, against the opposite wall, with a loud "bam".

- "How dare you? How dare you speak about her like that?!", she yelled in his face.  
- "See, I was right finally, it only takes someone to talk the wrong way about her and you turn crazy. Told you Liv, that girl have you wrapped up around her little finger."  
- "Like you knew anything about what's going on here. Tell me Stabler, have any friend around who would dare ask you anything like that?"  
- "She asked you only because she had noone to turn to! She's so arrogant; she drove everyone away from her. But she's so good at playing the victim!"  
- "How the fuck would you know? How do you know anything about her past?"  
- "No need to know anything Liv, situation speaks for itself: you are here but not her family", he said triumphally.  
- "Her family is only a phone call away Stabler, but she prefers to have me around during what she's going through. It's that simple. Her family would be here in a flash if she asked them to"  
- "You sure about that?", he smirked.  
- "As sure as I once thought we were friends Stabler", now she was the one smirking. From the look in his eyes, she hit a nerve.

Their quarel was interrupted by someone they both had forgotten for a moment, although she was the center of their argument: Casey.

A hand on the doorknob to keep her balance, she was standing a foot away from them, her eyes watery and her breath short. She hadn't missed a word from their argument and it saddened her. Olivia never told her the reason of their quarel and now she understood why. She never thought Elliot Stabler would make such accusation towards her, and towards herself.

- "Elliot", she whispered, taking a tentative step forward.  
- "Casey!", Olivia exclaimed reaching her as soon as her eyes fell on her.  
"You shouldn't be up, go back to bed", she advised sternly.  
- "No", Casey protested weakly "I have something to say first".

She took an other step forward but Olivia didn't trust her body to support her long so she looped an arm around her waist. Ready to carry her back to bed if necessary.  
Locking eyes a split second, Casey took in Olivia the support she needed. She knew she would be there to catch her.

Nodding, she laid her hand over Olivia's one who was resting on her belly, squeezing it softly. Letting her know she was accepting her support.

When she spoke, her eyes held a determination Olivia rarely saw these days.  
The resolve she had in Court not so long ago when a defendant would go a little too far.

- "Elliot, I understand you…are angry but if you have...to", she coughed before gulping some air in "to be angry at someone, let it be me. She is here because I asked her to", she breathed before sagging some more against Olivia.  
- "Casey", Olivia warned her, seeing her strength weakening.  
- "You are right, my family should be...here but...it's my choice. Olivia...she gave me more than my family ever could: she gave me the courage to fight, she showed...m...me that my life was worth it. And by doing this...she...she is not only my closest friend, but my sister, my mother, I'm lucky to have her as my best friend. And don't think I don't realize the sacrifices…she's making by being here. Because…I know each and every of them", she admitted in a low voice.  
- "Sweetheart, you should go back to bed, you are tiring yourself over nothing".  
- "Liv, it is not nothing, it's your life".  
- "My professional life", she corrected. "There are more important things outside it".  
- "No Olivia, because soon you'll be back to it".

Next to them, clasps rang out. Both women turned puzzled looks towards Elliot Stabler who just stood there a smirk on his lips, applauding them.  
- "Isn't it touching", he sneered.  
"You know Mrs Anderson has her doubt about the two of you and I can't blame her, the lady might be short-sighted but she can certainly see".  
- "Mrs Anderson although thinks little green men are out there to get her", Casey retorted.  
- "Doesn't mean she's wrong", he added.  
- "You have been in SVU far too long. Not everything is about sex in this life", Olivia said icily.  
- "Not in the city, but between the two of you, I wouldn't bet my pay check"

Shutting her eyes tight, Casey breathed slowly, this conversation taking a lot of her, she although felt dizzy and nausea wasn't far away.  
Squeezing Olivia's hand, she gave her the signal that it was time for her to go back to bed.

Feeling it, Olivia squeezed her tight against her, before turning on her heels slowly.  
- "Believe whatever you want Stabler", Olivia stated sharply "I never want to see you again. Ever", she said over her shoulder.

She was glad that, eventhough they insisted that she wore a camisole instead of her top, the doctors left Casey in her pyjamas pants.  
No way would she have allowed Stabler to get a full view of her naked form.

As they reached it, she helped Casey to lay back on the bed, a hand behind her back, the other behind her bent legs. Then she moved to tug her in.

Looking down, she saw tears running down her pale cheeks, incredulity and fear written in the depth of her green eyes.  
Elliot's words hit her hard, more than they hit herself. He already accused her of the same thing, that's why she didn't tell Casey anything about it.  
She knew it would hit her hard.  
And it did.  
Maybe if she hadn't let Stabler get under her skin and rub her the wrong way, Casey would not have woken up.  
She'd have avoided her this pain.

Gritting her teeth, she resisted the urge to smack his face, it would be of no use, all he could think of, all that mattered to him was them being romantically involved. She honestly didn't understand his obsession with it, especially since it wasn't true.  
But she decided that instant that it concerned him only. He could believe all he wanted, they weren't involved, end of the story.

- "It will be difficult when you come back to the squad", he replied triumphal.  
- "Who said I am?", she responded.  
- "What the fuck?", he shouted "You assured Cragen you would be back!"  
- "Some things change Stabler, people change."

- "Liv?", came Casey soft voice.

Sitting on the mattress, Olivia gave her a small peck on the forehead before caressing her cheek with the back on her hand.  
- "Shhh, you go back to sleep now.", she instructed, smiling.  
- "Liv, you…you can't…", she pleaded through renewed tears.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia readied herself to face Casey.

When she responded to Elliot's question, she did it without thinking.  
Indeed she had thought about not coming back to SVU for a couple weeks, but never talked to anyone about it, especially not Casey.  
She wanted to think things over once all this was over. Now was a little too soon.  
Besides, she didn't want Casey to blame herself for her decision. Which she probably already was.  
But the explanation would wait a couple hours more. As she looked up, she was pleased to see that the younger woman had fallen back asleep.

- "She is such a comedian", Elliot sneered behind her. "How convenient to fake sleep when about to face the result of her manipulations"

He was standing at the threshold, smirking.

Rising from the bed, she walked towards him, a deadly glare on her face. She saw him flinch, a hint of fear crossing his features.

When she reached him, she gave him the gentlest smile before slamming the door in his face.

* * *

_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	37. Chapter 37

Hmmm looks like Elliot's behavior triggered more attention than the gentle exchanges between Casey and Olivia ... sigh ... honest I'm sad but ok I admit, I'm the one to blame, I pushed a little too far. _Mental note: insert some explanation about it soon... which means I have to find an idea to get myself out of my own mess! lol  
_

Anyway, guess this chapter will please fellow C/O lovers! Let's see what you think about it!

Ohh and I'm toying with the idea to add title to the chapters. Any thoughts or ideas?

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
08 September – 2:27 am_

She had been awake for a couple hours, unable to go back to sleep. Her head popped onto her hand, she had taken the time to observe her sleep mate, the way her hair fanned out on the pillow, her arm bent behind her head as a makeshift pillow. The steady rise and fall of her chest.

- "I love you", she whispered to the sleeping woman beside her.  
Knowing she wouldn't hear her but needing to say those words.

Wasn't love supposed to be the most beautiful feeling? Wasn't it what everyone longed for? Finding the right person? The person you can turn to in any situation? The only person who can make you safe in any situation? That's how she made her feel: cared for, safe.

She never felt this way before, not so strongly.  
She should be the happiest woman in the world but her heart was breaking in a thousand pieces.

Her feelings had taken her by surprise; she clearly didn't expect them and didn't see herself as gay. But the truth was, she had pretty strong feelings for her just the same.

Maybe it had been there all along, or maybe it was the closeness they shared those past months, but she knew her feelings were real. She although knew they weren't mutual. It hurt her because seeing her with a man would break her heart.  
It brought her back to the decision she had to make: leave SVU.  
And this time Arthur Branch wouldn't refuse it to her, or she would give up on been an ADA.

When deep brown eyes shot open, Casey rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia. She shut her eyes tight, praying Olivia didn't see her. And most important didn't hear her. What would she do if she did? Oh God what would happen if Olivia discovered she had feelings for her? She'd be disgusted. She would leave.  
And she knew she wouldn't have the strength to carry on with the treatments without her by her side. She was making them so much more bearable.

She breathed with relief when Olivia rose without a word and went to the kitchen.  
She heard her open the fridge, no doubt taking a sip of cold water; September was particularly hot this year.

Minutes later, Olivia came back and took her place back behind Casey.  
Snaking both arms around her waist, resting her head on her shoulder, she smiled until she felt Casey stiffen in her arms.  
After a moment she relaxed, but not completely. Tightening her hold around the slim waist, Olivia brought her lips close to Casey's ear before whispering "I love you too" softly.

She clearly didn't expect Casey's reaction as she dashed out of the bed as if burned.

Panting, a hand holding the bedsheet tight to her chest, she fixed Olivia with an angry glare.

- "You think it's funny Detective?" she half yelled.  
- "Casey, what's wrong?", Olivia asked utterly surprised.  
- "You damn well know what's wrong. How dare you say such things?", she went on, nostrils flaring.  
- "You said them first", she smirked "and it's not the first time", she added.  
- "Wh…what?"; Casey clearly didn't expect that.  
- "You speak in your sleep Case", she replied amused.  
- "I do not!", she countered angrily.  
- "Oh yes you do. It's cute", Olivia admitted with a soft smile.  
- "I do not speak in my sleep", she repeated through clenched teeth.  
- "Yes you do Case. Not every night but it happened a couple times. And I'm glad you did. I'm glad this is in the open now. Because I love you too", she began, unsure as where this was leading.  
- "You can't", she stated bitterly.  
- "I can and I do", she responded angrily, taken aback by Casey's reaction.  
- "You don't understand Olivia, I… I love you, as I'm in love with you"  
- "Just like me"  
- "I.. I can't have this conversation now", Casey gasped as she retreated to the living room. She felt awfully exposed right now.  
- "Casey wait!", Olivia called after her.

When she didn't stop, Olivia stood and followed her in the living room.  
She was prostrated on the couch, her head resting on the bent knees she was hugging tightly to her chest. She was rocking herself back and forth, something she hasn't done in months.  
From the light coming from the street, Olivia could see she was shivering.

Making a quick trip back to the room, she came back with Casey's robe. But when she approached her to drape it over her shoulders, the younger woman jerked away, clearly refusing any contact.  
The instant her eyes fell on her, Olivia regretted the way she behaved, she shouldn't have thought it would go easily, not knowing Casey's past as she knew it now; she'd have found a better way to tell Casey their feelings were mutual. Now she'd have to repair the damages she caused.

For long minutes, every time Olivia uttered a word, she looked like she was ready to flee. It took all Olivia's persuasion and gentleness to approach her, and drap her robe over her shoulders.  
Then she sat on the coffee table, not moving, not talking, just waiting for Casey to look at her.

When she did, Olivia's heart broke at the sight: she looked like a rabbit caught in a car's headlights. Not even when her surgeon told her she had to go through radiotherapy sessions, did she look so frightened.

- "Not now Olivia, please not now", she implored her.  
- "Case…"  
- "Olivia, please. I'm begging you, not now, just.. I…I can't…it's…I…", she was hyperventilating, getting closer to hysteria with every shaky breath she difficulty took in, her eyes darting furiously around her.  
- "Ok Case, just calm down", Olivia whispered, wishing she'd rewind time.

For the longest time, she just sat there, a foot away from Casey without being able to touch her. She could, she could force Casey to face her, she could easily overpower her but there was no way she would make things right between them afterwards.

She had to step back and be patient.  
Not her primary quality in her field of work, and certainly not in this particular situation.  
Those months by Casey's side had taught her that being patient sometimes worked but now she didn't want to, she wanted to gather Casey in her arms and rewind time.  
Go back an hour ago, shut her mouth and talk to Casey about their mutual feelings calmly, in an appropriate way.

It was three weeks ago that Olivia began to see Casey differently.  
She has been through half of the radio therapy sessions when her doctor had no choice than stop them for a while. In her state of utter exhaustion, she could hardly keep any food in, let alone take her medication. Not to mention the vomiting and very dry throat. No doubt that Casey was the patient with the most side effects.  
Olivia butt headed with him but in the end, he agreed that it was a foreseable solution.

So she hadn't gone through any session in the last two weeks, and for the last three days, she was much stronger. Sure going to the park for more than half an hour was too much effort, but it was an improvement. Olivia dreaded the day where she would have to take her back to the hospital for the treatment.

They both knew she had to, but that didn't mean they had to be pleased with that prospect.

Three weeks ago, as she was waiting for her to wake up, she found her even more agitated than usual. Her being restless wasn't unusual, even whimpering, but real talk certainly was.  
When she turned her head towards her with fierce green eyes, Olivia thought she was waking up earlier than usual, that she could drive her back home earlier. But it wasn't the case.

Casey was smiling, tears running down her cheeks, scratching the inside of the oxygen tent with her nails, trying to touch her, which was impossible.

Olivia was mirroring her geste, grazing the plastic from the outside, their fingers separated by the thick plastic of the tent.

- "I'm here Casey", she reassured her, unsure of her degree of consciousness.  
- "No...no you are not but it's okay"  
- "I'm right here Case"  
- "No, real life Olivia wouldn't be afraid to touch me"  
- "I'm not afraid to touch you. I can't because of this damn tent. I'm not a dream Casey", she explained softly.  
- "Yes you are but it's okay"  
- "I'm here Casey, it's me, Olivia, don't be afraid", she tried again.  
- "I'm not afraid dreamy Liv, you're watching over me", she responded smiling ear to ear.

If she didn't know otherwise, Olivia would have sworn she was high on something, pupils dilated and dreamy smile.

- "Shhh Case I'm here", she repeated but she knew it was useless, Casey was stuck in her dream and nothing would pull her out of it.  
- "I have a secret", she whispered, her eyes sparkling.  
- "Casey…", Olivia tried to stop her, whatever she was about to tell her, she didn't want her to regret it later.  
- "It's real life Olivia, you know my best friend", she whispered in hushed tone.  
"She's so wonderful. I'm mesmerized by her strength, her loyalty, her dedication. She takes such great care of me, nights and days. Never complaining, always caring. But you see, she asks so little in return, in fact she asks nothing. I can't ask her more than she has already done; I have nothing to give her in return. Except my heart; but it's already hers. That's why I'm glad you are here instead of her, I can tell you what I could never tell her: I love you Olivia Benson. I know if I ever tell you how much I love you, that I'm madly in love with you, you will leave. And I couldn't take it"

Olivia Benson just sat there, mouth gaping open, deeply shocked by her young friend's confession.

The words were spoken so softly, so slowly that Olivia thought she was dreaming, she was the one not awake.  
Then Casey fell back asleep but the words were burnt in Olivia's mind. They scared them beyond reason.  
Scared her because she knew Casey meant each of them; there weren't just random words, it was a real declaration, trustful and honest.  
Scared that it would change the situation between them. She loved Casey dearly but not in that way. She was doing such a great job in concealing her feelings, how would she react if she knew Olivia was aware of them? She'd flee no doubt about it.  
And with her would a big part of Olivia's life disappear.

So she decided not to act any differently, sure she knew how Casey felt but that didn't mean she had to act towards her differently, to step back.  
She although swore to force herself not to read in Casey's actions and behaviour more than she was a day before. Because she knew that if she did her behaviour would change, and Casey would feel it.  
And if their closeness was Casey's main support, she couldn't refuse it to her.

But even the best plans have their weakness and her resolve didn't last long.

The next night, as she had trouble sleeping and Casey was snuggled in her arms, she realized how right it felt, how she missed Casey whenever they were apart, or when she wouldn't sleep in her arms (which happened next to never, but it did sometimes, even for a short time).  
And Casey's words had kept running around her head.  
That's when she knew that she had feelings for the young woman but didn't realize them until now. Until the young woman revealed her heart. Until she had to face her own.

Next to her, Casey rose from the couch and went back to her room, her walk unsteady, not looking at her.  
Olivia followed her with her eyes, although she longed to reach her side and help her back to bed. But it would be useless and would do even more damage.  
So she just sat on the coffee table, hands on tights, waiting, listening for every noise coming from the bedroom, hoping none would come, hoping Casey was back in bed and would fall asleep.  
Then maybe in the morning they could pretend it never happened, that it was just a dream.

She reminded herself that it was real-life, it wouldn't happen.

Shrugging, she went to Casey's room, ready to sort things out with the young woman.  
Reaching it, she sighed, the door was locked.  
Although she pleaded Casey through it, she didn't open the door.

She ended up curled on the couch, waiting for sunrise and for that damn door to open.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	38. Chapter 38

Okay C/O fans, here is my fav chapter, I cross my fingers it'll please you.

I can't believe the hits and reviews this fic is getting... that's just freaking amazing! _goofy smile_

To CNovak929: if you liked the previous chapter, I'm pretty sure you're gonna love that one! But I'm sorry to say that I only have like 10 chapters left ...  
To Haldir' Heart and Soul: Elliot is all yours if you want, I'm not a fan... so you can do what you want with him... I will keep Casey and Olivia _evil grin_  
To youte: bien noté pour les chapitres "normaux" :)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
08 September – 5:12 am_

Olivia Benson was half asleep when she heard noise coming from somewhere in the apartment, before she felt a form slide by her side.  
Her senses in alert, she was about to rise when she felt cold shaky fingers on her lips.

- "Don't say anything", Casey whispered as she snuggled up close, looping her arms around her waist, burying her face, wet from tears, in Olivia's neck.

Olivia only nodded, more concerned at the moment as how they would fit on the couch without falling.  
Returning Casey's hug, she maneuvered them until she was lying on her back, Casey snuggled to her side, trapped between the couch and her body.  
When the younger woman didn't object, she relaxed a little, happy that Casey made the first move; wowing to let her sort the situation in her own terms.

She didn't know how long they laid there, both lost in thoughts, unable to find sleep, when Casey spoke up, her voice husky.

- "I'm so sorry Olivia", she breathed, fighting back new tears.  
"I made a terrible mistake, I'm so… sorry. Can we do as if nothing happened? As if I said nothing?", she pleaded her.

Olivia didn't respond right away, her mind in overdrive.  
Her answer would have one hell of an impact on her relationship with Casey. She although knew she couldn't lie neither to Casey nor to herself, what was at stake here far more important, much bigger, than a simple crush.

- "I will if you ask me to Case", she whispered, running a hand through her disheveled short hair.  
"But we said those words; we both said and heard them. We laid them in the open and I'm not going to take them back"

She felt Casey stiff in her arms, ready to flee once more.

In response, she just tightened her hold around her slim waist before going on:  
- "But if you want me to… do as nothing happened I will. But we both know it won't work"  
- "It would if you stopped being difficult!", she exclaimed, struggling to sit up.  
- "I am difficult?", Olivia responded on the same tone, sitting up as well.  
"Are you kidding me? You are the one who's making it difficult Casey. We confessed mutual feelings and you want us to forget about it? No way!"  
- "We did nothing!"  
- "Yes we did Case! You said 'I love you' and I said 'I love you too'. Looks like admitting mutual feelings to me!", she argued, getting pissed off by Casey's childish behavior.  
- "You are not gay!", she accused her.  
- "You never stricked me as gay either Counselor!", she accused her right back.

Trying to cool her rising temper, she took deep calming breaths.  
- "What are you so afraid of Casey?", she asked her.  
"We are both grown up, independent, healthy women in their right mind who happen to be in love. There are worst things, don't you believe?", she nudged her.  
- "Talk for yourself", she whispered sadly.  
- "Excuse me?"  
- "Look at me, then look at you Liv…you are the Detective, you figure it out"  
- "What are you talking about?"  
- "Look at you Liv: beautiful, stunning, brilliant, funny, sure of herself, a solid sense of humour, not taking any shit from anyone… what … what could you possibly see in me?", she went on on the same defeated tone.  
- "Casey…", she whispered as she laid a hand on Casey's thight, squeezing softly.  
"I think I already told you to stop belittling yourself"  
- "I'm not belittling myself Liv, I'm just being realistic", she shrugged.  
- "No you are not, you are hiding behind false reasons just like you did months ago!"  
- "I am not!"  
- "Yes you are! Seven months ago, you wanted to die because you said your life was empty. Your life wasn't empty; it just needed to be sorted out some. Now you run from a relationship with me because I'm better looking than you? That's bullshit Case and you know it! You are not less beautiful. If you ask me, you are far more beautiful with your green eyes and fiery hair than a brown hair and eyes woman in her forties! Not to mention cleverness not so many people have!"  
- "I'm not all this Liv. Not anymore. Maybe …"  
- "Oh please Case, don't tell me you were that person before because it's not true. Being sick didn't change who you are inside…"  
- "What about outside?", she breathed sadly.  
- "Is this what it's all about?"  
- "Yes", she admitted shyly.  
"When I look in the mirror I barely recognize myself Liv, I have to remind myself that this skinny, puny thing, with heavy bags under her eyes and huge scars is me. And quite frankly she's far from being attractive"  
- "You are wrong Case. Plus that's for me to decide"  
"Case, I fell in love with you body and mind. As a whole"  
- "You can't Olivia, it's just not possible. I've seen a couple of your dates and they are like you: brilliant, beautiful, with a strong mind"  
- "But you are all of this Case and so much more!"  
- "I am not. If you didn't convince me, I would already be dead"  
- "So I helped you. So what? I'm not the one going through aggressive treatments. I'm not the one who went through life threatening surgeries. And I'm certainly not the one who took a bullet meant for my predecessor!"

When she had calmed down some, she went on:  
- "Case, please don't do this to us, don't refuse what we have. I love you", she whispered, looking right into Casey's eyes, baring her soul to the younger woman.

After a long moment, she gave in to the impulse.  
Leaning forward, she pressed her lips to Casey's, the contact gentle, caring, not urgent, not demanding. Throwing into that first kiss all her feelings for her.  
When she felt the young ADA respond to her kiss, she deepened the contact, her tongue requesting entry as her hand went to rest on her side, holding onto her.  
A second later, she felt Casey lean backwards with a groan.  
- "Case…"  
- "Liv I … I'm so… sorry …. I..", she babbled, rising to pace the room.

Rising as well, she went to Casey's side but didn't touch her, didn't stop her frenzied pacing.  
She just stood there, waiting for her to stop it on her own will.  
When she did a moment later, she looked at Olivia with a half smile, her eyes a tad darker than usual, her lips swollen and wet from their kiss.  
An open invitation to more.

- "That wasn't fair Liv", she chuckled, a shaky hand rising to brush across her bottom lips.  
- "Maybe, but I don't regret it", she teased her, her hand coming to lie on Casey's shoulder.  
"I want to do that a lifetime", she breathed honestly, surprised at her own boldness.  
- "Olivia …. You are not going to make it easy, are you?", she joked.  
- "Not at all", she joked back.  
"I'm not letting you, or me, run from this, from our feelings. I'm ready to fight you Casey Ann Novak, I'm ready to fight for you", she whispered.  
- "How knighhoodish from you", she breathed before being interrupted by an other tender kiss.

This time she didn't pull back, returning the kiss forcefully, their tongues dualing hotly. She let herself been dragged in Olivia's strong arms, her hands on the brunette's shoulders to keep her balance. And she certainly didn't pull back when she felt warm hands slide under her top, bringing them even closer, sending delicious shivers through her body.

All too soon, their gentle mutual exploration stopped as Olivia removed her hands and leaned backwards, elicing a disappointed growl from the redhead.  
Smiling, she waited for her to open green foggy eyes before explaining herself:  
- "As much as I'd like to keep that up Counselor, I doubt that would be wise"

Not trusting her voice, Casey arched an eyebrow in a silent question.  
- "I want to do what's right; I don't want us to rush this. I want to take it nice and slow", she whispered as her hand rose to brush away an errand red strand, then settled on Casey's cheek  
- "Ok", Casey whispered as she lowered her head, letting a reddish lock hide her disappointment.

Her movement wasn't missed by Olivia, who tilted her head back up with a single finger, forcing her to meet her eyes.

- "…and don't even think of reading anything else in it Casey Ann Novak. I love you, I want much more than this but without rushing it. Jumping in bed with you, as appealing as it is, would be wrong just now. You know that", she reassured her as she pecked her nose.  
- "I know", Casey admitted a minute later  
"It's just unfair to be given a taste of heaven then having it taken back", she pouted.  
- "Heaven, hu? You evil tease..", Olivia joke, resting her forehead against Casey's.  
"Not jumping in bed on our first kiss doesn't mean we can't have more…", she smiled seductivly as she lean forward and kissed her softly "… it just means I have too much respect for you to do it the wrong way"  
- "You are right Olivia. Besides I don't want you to regret it later", she admitted in a low voice, disentangling herself from Olivia's arms and settling back on the couch.  
- "What's that supposed to mean?"  
- "Liv, I'm serious when I say I can't compete with you…physically, emotially. I'm not just saying it, it's how I feel", she whispered, looking up at Olivia who was watching her intensely but saying nothing.  
"I know I'm not exactly at my best right now and having sex …"  
- "… making love. We will make love Case…", Olivia corrected her gently, sitting by her side on the couch, a hand coming to rest on her forearm, not daring to deepen the physical contact. Whatever emotional turmoil Casey was going through, she seemed ready to sort it out now.  
- "… making love", Casey gave in with a shy smile, mesmerized once more by Olivia's caring  
"I don't want you to do it because you pity me, because I'm some broken wreck"  
- "Don't you trust me?", Olivia queried not so gently, not understanding how they came back to that point after what just happened between them.  
- "I do Liv, more than anyone", she breathed, a shaky hand rising to brush across Liv's full lips.  
"I guess it's what scares me. My heart tells me to go for it but my head says it's all lies, that it won't last. That once it's all over, you will disappear from my life"  
- "I'm not lying to you!", Olivia snapped.  
- "I know Liv, it's for me to sort this out. I… you see for the longest time I've been alone, I don't trust easily and those past months by your side, in your cares were magical. I just don't want to fall too hard, too fast because if this…this thing between us doesn't work, I honestly don't think I'd get through it"  
- "It will. Case I promise you this love between us is real. It's not some teenager's crush for a school teacher. It runs deeper than that", she whispered, cradling Casey's hand in hers and bringing it to lie over her heart  
"I love you Casey, more than anything, more than I ever did and I know I will never feel this way again. I've been alone all my life and believe me, I have trust issues too. But I refuse to let our past endanger our future together", she said honestly.  
"And I don't, and never did, pity you", she went on a little more harshly that she intended.

- "Thank you", Casey whispered a long moment later, a moment spent watching Olivia intensely, seeing in her eyes that she was speaking the truth.  
"Thank you for not letting me run away from this Olivia", she admitted shyly.  
- "Case, what happened with your father belongs to the past. Given this, I understand how hard it is for you to trust, to love, but believe me, I have the same doubts, the same fears, I never imagined myself in this situation"  
"Please just trust us", she pleaded her, tears welling up in her eyes.  
- "I will", she vowed.  
"I am", she corrected herself chuckling, ending their argument with a tender kiss on Liv's lips.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	39. Chapter 39

Okay, I added a couple blocks in this chapter to explain what was missing (namely the part between '5 months ago' and 'back to present'.  
I just hope I didn't mess everything up! _lol_  
If anything seems weird, don't hesitate to tell me _grin_

Tomorrow morning, I'm off to London for the week-end (Xena convention and Lucy's concert!!) so next update sould be on monday, tuesday at worse.  
Since I have a 5 hours return trip, I might add a couple chapters... if I'm not too excited!!

To CNovak929: are you trying to kill me? lol  
I have in progress two Xena fics so C/O won't be my next story and I doubt I have material to work on :p

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Casey Novak's apartment  
13 September – 4:36 pm_

He had a very hard time reconciling the kick-ass ADA he was used to work with and the woman lying in bed. That woman was ghostly white, dark circles under her eyes, bluish lips and skinny. Of course she had never been particularly fleshy but still, she was a strong contrast to the woman she was only a few months ago.

Olivia was sitting by her side on the mattress, her hand holding Casey's small one as the other was stroking her cheek, trying desperately to lull her back to sleep. She has been doing this for the last fifteen minutes and although her eyes were closed, he knew she was nowhere near sleep.  
Sighing, he retreated to the living room, leaving them some privacy. Olivia strongly requested him not to be seen by Casey, but he doubted she was any conscious of her surrounding, except for Olivia's presence.

He understood now the request she made months ago and how coldly she welcomed him earlier. He was clearly not welcomed in this place. And how to blame her? She was dealing with Casey on a daily basis for months now, used to see her sick and tired but she, they, refused for anyone else to see her that way.

He was relieved he was aware of Casey's conditions early on. Olivia trusted him and that meant a lot. Of course, at the very beginning, she didn't want to divulgue any information about her condition but a couple weeks after their first conversation, she went to him.  
She was lost and didn't know what to do.  
She wanted to do as much as possible, but was running into a wall with their ADA.

_5 months ago  
_He'll always remember one of his finest Detective so disraught.  
Having a long conversation in his office would have looked suspicious, so they agreed to meet in a bar on a Sunday evening.  
And she told him everything.

Although he kept a brave face in his office, that evening he couldn't.  
Learning everything at once was a little too much for him to digest. As she was telling him about her conversation with Casey's father, what she learned there, and Casey's real condition, flashbacks of the moments spent with the young ADA flashed through his mind. Happy times when they'd celebrate their wons over a drink, the time they argued, and when they went to visit Casey after she got shot in the Court Room.  
He knew Olivia was strong in her professional life, but she was even more in her private life. He could never imagine Olivia had been aware of Casey's condition for months before coming to him.

The trickiest part had been to keep everything as secret as possible in the Precinct. Gossips are a plague and Casey's behavior wasn't really helping.  
From the moment she was attacked in her office, she had seemed withdrawn to her boss, DA Arthur Branch, who put it on PTSD. She had been back to work for less than a week when Antonio's parents had been shot and Alex Cabot's secret was revealed.  
He remembered all too clearly how he felt betrayed when he realized Alex was alive ; he could only imagine what he did to Casey Novak who had been brutalized only a couple weeks ago. But nothing in her way of handling that particular case gave away her condition and feelings.  
She was really a thought gal and loosing her, in every sense of the word, would be a shame.

There was nothing they could do in the immediate future.  
If Casey refused any treatment, they couldn't force her. But they agreed that her behavior towards Olivia might be the key, so the Detective should be as free of her actions as possible. Without raising too many questions.  
They agreed on a secret code that would let him know Casey needed Olivia. It worked perfectly around everyone who respected Olivia's privacy. The only one that got noisy was her partner, Detective Elliot Stabler. And it hadn't gone any better when Olivia requested deskjob. From then, he'd be pretty nasty towards her, make suspicious comments about "her secret life" and eventhought the rest of the squad respected her wish not to talk about what caused this situation, he took it very very bad not be in their secret.

Olivia's text message letting him know Casey was going for treatment caught him late on a Saturday's night. Minutes later he was on the phone with Casey's boss who was totally unaware of his ADA's condition. For him, she still hadn't recovered from both attacks and he was looking for her replacement. He valued her as a prosecutor but they couldn't afford to keep her as their legitimate ADA if she weren't come back.  
They were having breakfast the next Monday when he broke the news to him. To say that he was surprised about her condition was an understatement. They agreed on their plan of action quite easily, and he honestly thought he wouldn't go with it. After all, there was no guarantees in Casey's future but still, both would be kept on their job for the couple months Casey's treatments would last. And of course their jobs would be theirs the minute they came back.  
It was a pretty risky bet they were about to take but both women were valuable professionals they'd have a hard time replacing.  
Once the details were settled, they had a meeting in the DA's office about it, officially Casey had been reassigned to an other unit, outside of Manhattan, and Olivia was assigned to deskjob on her request. No further details were given.  
Only John Munch, whose care for both women was aggravated by his paranoiac side, knew everything. When visiting a sick friend at Mercy, he caught sight of Casey and Olivia as they were entering the oncologist's department. So he knew but he was the only one, and he didn't tell Olivia about it.

_Back to present  
_When he knocked on the door of Casey's apartment, he was greeted by Olivia, one he got a glimpse at when Casey was in a coma after her brain and lung surgeries: hair and clothes dishevelled, exhausted from lack of sleep, sad. And still she was holding up. He didn't know how but she did. This woman really had unlimited resources.  
She asked him to leave but when Casey called her from the bedroom, she let him in, requesting sternly that he did stay where he was, and at any cost shouldn't Casey know he was here. He nodded his acceptance but she had already left.  
He left himself further into the apartment, hanging his overcoat and hat by the door. He didn't intend to stay long but it was awfully hot, at least 80°F.

Whispers and whimpers took him towards the bedroom. He tried to ignore them for a while, but in the end, his steps brought him there.  
When he reached it, he stood in shock on the doorstep, watching Olivia struggling with a Casey Novak he never saw before. He had in front of his eyes the result of what he read about radiotherapy: the sessions were certainly less aggressive than chemo but still they represented a high trauma for the body, leaving it tired and defenceless. And Casey was its living proof: half huddled up on his Detective's thighs, shivering from head to toe, hair held back by Olivia as she was emptying an empty stomach in a basin.

- "S'ok sweetheart, let it out", she was whispering to the younger woman, massaging her lower back in slow circles.  
"S'ok Case, you will feel better after. I promise."

He just stood there not daring to intrude, understanding Olivia's insistence in her 'no visit' policy.  
No way was either of them willing to let anyone see Casey that sick.  
He felt for the young woman, she was clearly going through hell.

When it was obvious she was done, Olivia helped her to lye back, tugging her in.  
As she rose to go to the bathroom to clean, their eyes met and he saw fear and panic cross them briefly. He just nodded before stepping back a foot away, leaving her room to move between bedroom and bathroom, and making sure Casey wouldn't catch sight of him.  
An arm flung over her eyes, she was taking slow small sips of air in, wincing as she inhaled and exhaled.

- "I'm so tired of this", she whispered to no one in particular.

As Olivia went back in, she sat on the mattress and ran a wet washcloth over her face and neck.  
Once done, she moved to caress Casey's forehead, cuddling her.

- "It's almost over Casey. A week to go, four sessions and we will put all this behind us", she answered truthfully, grabbing Casey's hand in hers.  
- "Yeah, I just hope I have some ribs left", she joked, as a hand went to massage her ribcage slowly.  
- "There that should help settle your stomach", she said gently as she laid a couple caps she brought with her on Casey's tongue who swallowed them dry. Looked like menthol maalox.  
- "Thanks", she mouthed as she tried to roll onto her side.

When she visibly winced from the pain, Olivia stilled her movement with a hand on her shoulder. Without a word, she began stroking her cheek, still holding Casey's small hand firmly in hers.  
- "Now close your eyes sweetheart and try to get some sleep", she instructed her.

Casey watched her intensly for a minute or so before giving in.

Don Cragen watched their silent interaction a quarter more before moving back to the living room to give them some privacy.  
He was mesmerized by the bond they shared: sure Casey was pretty sick but she had a total trust in Olivia. They really developped an iron bond those past months. No wonder Elliot made a fuss about it, he had always been the over-reading kind in the squad.

Tiptoeing back towards the room, he came by just to see that Casey was nowhere near falling asleep. Looking up at Olivia, she slowly moved to the side of the bed, never breaking their physical contact.

- "You're not coming?", she asked as Olivia didn't act on her silent invitation.  
- "No", Olivia responded without saying more. How could she with her Captain right behind the door?  
- "Oh, I see. Guess I'm not very appealing right now", she said with sorrow in her eyes as she rolled onto her side, facing away from Olivia.  
- "Casey…"  
- "S'ok Olivia, I understand", she whispered defeated, hugging herself tight, fighting back tears.

She knew she was making a scene to Olivia out of nothing but at times like this, she needed her close. She needed her arms around her. She needed the closeness of her body.  
But above all, she needed to feel her undeniable love.

- "No you don't. I have a couple phone calls to make", she lied.

She wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed with Casey, hold her tight in her arms until both fell asleep, but she had to take care of their visitor first. A visitor Casey knew nothing about. And if she ever found out, she'd be mad like hell, the last thing she needed right now.

- "Casey…"

When she got no answer, she stood, circled the bed and crouched by Casey's head, caressing her cheek with her fingers, dreading them through her damp hair.

- "Casey, listen to me", she pleaded her.  
"Love, this has nothing to do with you being sick, ok?"  
- "Right, coincidence", she said bitterly.  
- "Ok, forget about the phone calls, let me just make sure the front door is locked, ok?", Olivia gave in.

Casey didn't reply but she rose up on an elbow and planted a kiss on Liv's lips, which she returned forcefully, cradling Casey's neck, deepening the contact.  
Don Cragen realised he just witnessed something he wasn't supposed to. It was his hint to retreat to the living room.

- "So the rumours were true", he stated sadly as she joined him in the living room a couple minutes later.  
Olivia couldn't tell if he was sad about them or how he learned it.  
- "No, no they weren't until last week. Until then it was just Elliot's overprotective behaviour kicking in. You have to believe me Captain", she said, looking him straight into the eyes.

All of a sudden it seemed important for her that he believed her.  
He held her look a moment until he knew she was telling the truth.

- "Ok I believe you Olivia; you wouldn't lie to me about this. As for Elliot, well… we both know how he can get with those he cares about…"  
- "Yeah a little out of control"  
- "I'll have a talk with him…"  
- "No Captain, if he knows you came here…", she interrupted him harshly, already fearing his reaction.  
- "Olivia, I'm his superior. I don't have to justify my action when I ask him to back off. And he certainly went too far by spreading rumours about Casey and you around the Precinct and Court House"  
- "Even if they are true?"  
- "They are true now but for the last five months, it was just him acting childish. Besides, it's a private matter that doesn't concern him, especially since you are on vacations. You've been his partner for 6 years Olivia, you know as much as I do, even more, that he has a tendency to cross the line. And this time he went way too far"  
- "Ok", she whispered shyly "Thank you"  
- "You don't have to thank me Olivia… Are you happy?", he queried, knowing full well she'd know what he was referring to.  
- "Yes, very", she answered hastily, feeling blush rising on her cheeks.  
"She's the one", she added with a smile that could have lit the whole city, surprised by her own admission.  
- "That's great", he stated as he hugged her.

They went like this to the front door. As she opened it to him, he glanced deep into her eyes:

- "I know it's a bit late, but if you need anything, you call me, ok? Anytime", he asked.  
- "It is not Captain, besides you already helped a lot. But if need arise again, I will, thank you Captain"  
- "You're welcome. Now I believe someone is waiting for you", he joked playfully on his way out.

The loving and longing look Olivia sent towards the bedroom as he said that, told him anything he needed: those two would be fine, they had found each other.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	40. Chapter 40

Sorry for the lack of update lately, writer's block can be a real btch at times ! lol  
Next chapter is ready in my mind, I hope my muse will stay with me long enough to write it down :)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_New York Mercy Hospital  
20 September - 03:15 pm_

Olivia Benson glanced out the window and couldn't help but smile. It was raining buckets mid-september which wasn't a particular good sign for the rest of the month, but she was happy beyond reason.  
She felt strong, energized, full of confidence ; but above all, she felt love and loved.

Today was the last radiotherapy's session for Casey.  
From now on, no more sessions, no more tears, no more sickness.  
They'd killed the beast that threated her inside.  
They fought it and there was next to zero probability that it'll come back.  
Of course, the young woman would have to go through regular check-ups twice a year for a couple years, then once a year after those.  
But she was done with that treatment that threateed not only her health, but although her sanity.  
She had lost an outrageous amount of weight, it'd take some time to gain it back, as well as muscles, but she'd eventually.  
The strong and confident Casey Novak would soon be back.

Glancing down as the woman sound asleep in the hospital bed, a fond smile grazed her lips as she uncrossed her arms and dragged a chair close to the bed.  
Before sitting, she went to close the door, there waere some pretty noisy visitors down the hall.  
Grabbing Casey's hand in hers, she kissed its back gently, smiling as it caused Casey to mumble in her much needed sleep.  
She almost felt guilty for troubling her sleep but she always had this urge to touch her, especially when she was like this.

Releasing her hold a second, she kicked off her boots before crawling into bed to lay down beside the frail form.  
Gathering her in harms as much as she could, she hugged her close to her chest, kissing red hair, Casey had been back to red since she was shot. A great thing in her opinion.

She was glad this was over but the Doctors told them the next couple weeks wouldn't be that easy, Casey's body was tired after months of regular sessions and was actually used to those. So it might react as if it still went through them. Meaning her strength wouldn't return overnight, just like her nauseas and sickness wouldn't disappear.

She had planned a sunny vacation in a few weeks, once Casey had rested a minimum.  
And it was a surprise, noone, except Judge Liz Donnelly, knew about it.  
She had been the only person Casey allowed to visit from time to time.  
Of course the yound ADA was in no shape to kick her out but Olivia knew she took a lot of confort in her visits. Maybe it was because she was a link to her job and eventhought Casey claimed at some point she had nothing to expect from her life, she valuated Liz's friendship.  
She'd always show up with flowers and keep Casey company a long moment. She left thm privacy, so basically didn't know what they'd talk about, but Casey accepting her visits over and over again was the lonely thing that mattered.  
And she had a feeling that falling back in the job's routine in a few months wouldn't be that hard.

She smiled down fondly as green eyes shot open. She squinted against the dim light but soon focused on her.

- "Hey", she whispered.  
- "Hey yourself", she replied back, caressing Casey's cheek.  
"How are you feeling?", she queried softly. It was their ritual every time Casey would go through her sessions.

Casey took a moment to gather her surroundings but this time she didn't respond, she struggled a little to plant a kiss on Liv's lips before snuggling closer in her arms, wounding her arms around Liv's waist.  
- "Heavenly", she declared proudly.  
- "Liar", Olivia responded in a conspirational tone.  
"You feel dizzy, with a huge migraine", she remineded her gently.  
- "Hey, there is nothing wrong in wishing to change this ugly routine", she whispered in a hurt voice.  
- "It is not ugly Casey, it is natural", she whispered back but didn't elaborate on the subject as she saw Casey's eyelids flutter.

Seconds later she was sound asleep.  
Smiling, she hugged her closer, burying the redhead's head in her neck.

Hours later, Casey was declared free to go home and the doctor told her that she was done with the radiotherapy's sessions.  
It was only a confirmation of what they already knew but the news brought tears in the young woman's eyes.  
Olivia snaked her arms around the slim waist and hugged her close the second the door closed on the Doctor.  
- "You did it", she whispered over and over again as her lover dissolved in tears.

She didn't fight her own as they rooled hotly down her cheeks, just tightened her hold on Casey.

_06:39 pm_

Extanding her hand to Casey, Olivia smiled when she noticed the young woman's half smile.

- "You ready?", she asked gently and was rewarded by a low chuckle, both knowing that his meant more than her usual offer to drive them home.  
- "I guess so", she chuckled softly.  
- "Then let's get ouf of here", Olivia declared as she enclosed Casey's hand in hers and led her outside.

Wounding an arm around Casey's waist, the other carrying her bag, they gave their thank yous to the hospital staff as they walked out.

On the hospital frontstep, they paused then saying nothing, they turned around as one, their way of saying goot by to the place they spend so much time in in the last few months.  
Scary place that brought many tears and pain, but although the place that brought them together.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	41. Chapter 41

Ooops I'm sorry for the lack of update, you know my muse went missing again lately.  
Thanks for sticking to this fic, and I hope you'll like this next chapter.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_John Munch's apartment  
26 September - 2:15 am_

- "This better be good", he grumbled as he patted barefeet to the living room.

Grabbing the annoying cellphone which had been vibrating for the last ten minutes, he frowned at the non displayed caller ID.

- "Hello?", he queried not so gently. Not so many people had this number, so there were two options: it was either someone he knew who wouldn't disturb him at this late hour if it weren't for something important; or it was a call from someone numbering at random.

Seconds later, still no reply from the other side of the line. Irritated, he tried again, almost convinced it was option two but still willing to give whomever was there an other chance.

- "Hello?", he tried again  
- "Who's there?", he asked, ready to hang up.

This time a muffled cry reached him. Craddling the phone closer to his ear, he listened carefully.

- "What's going on? Do you need assistance?", he queried in his best voice's cop.  
- "John?"

He sighed with relief when he recognised the voice: one of the few who had this number. But relief didn't last long when he glanced at the clock on the wall, why did so late call?

- "Hey sweetie, what's up?"  
"Casey? You still there?", he asked after a moment more silent.  
- "Yes ... I'm ... I'm sorry ... it's late ... I ... shouldn't have ... I ..."  
- "But now that you've got me, why don't you tell me to what I earn the pleasure of this call?", he joked hoping she wouldn't hang up. Whatever was going on, it might be something or the lovely Casey Novak wouldn't call him at this late hour. Especially now that the Doctors cleared her from any further session.

Then it hit him, she was supposed to be at Olivia's space, did something happen? Before he'd ask her the tiny voice of Casey Novak came in

- "It's Olivia", she breathed.  
- "Oh ... something wrong with the enigmatic Olivia Benson?", he asked, wondering why he was joking at this hour, there could be something very wrong with his colleague.  
- "Have you seen her? I mean today?", he could hear the genuine concern in her voice.  
- "No, no I haven't. Last time was last Friday when we all met. What's going on Casey? Aren't you supposed to be staying at her place?"  
- "I am but she's not. She was gone when I woke up this evening. I'm worried John, where could she be?", she explained, her voice pinching with every breath.  
- "Casey, calm down. Breath...",he coached her genly "I'm sure she's fine"  
- "But where is she? Why hasn't she called me?", she wondered outloud clearly not reassured by his gentle words.  
- "Casey, I'm sure Olivia is fine", he repeated "and..."  
- "But ..."  
- "... and I'm sure there is a good reason behind this silence. Don't worry I'll find her", he vowed.  
"You'd be ok?", he asked her gently.

He knew that, eventhought she was out of her sessions, she still hasn't allowed many people around. Their gathering last week was a first and only one: Cragen, Liz Donnelly and himself were invited to that little friends' gathering at Olivia's place. That day he met Casey's family, quite a bunch of nic people.

- "Yes I will", she responded bravely but the sobs in her voice told him she'd in tears the second she'd hang up.  
"Just find her", she added in a strong voice.  
- "I will", he vowed and the line went dead.

As he headed back to his room, he sighed, he indeed had a pretty good idea where Olivia Benson went everytime she needed time alone, to face herself or her demons.

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_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	42. Chapter 42

evil grin I wrote this a couple days ago, I know it's not much but my muse had been more concerned by redesigning my site dedicated to Melinda McGraw than this fic.

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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_Olivia Benson's mother grave  
26 September - 3:07 am_

- "I know you'll be here", he addressed her back softly, trying not to startle her.  
- "Yeah, you always do", she responded as she glanced up at him and patted the sand next to her.

Accepting her silent invitation, he sat by her side and took a moment to study her profile. Her features were drawn, betraying an intense tiredness.

- "You've been crying", he stated very matter of factly.

Meeting his concerned eyes, she whipped the tears away angrily. With a gentle nod, she acknowledged his comment.

- "What's going on Olivia?", he queried.

Now that he was sure she was fine, unharmed, he wanted to know what was wrong with her to bring her to this place in the middle of the night, when accross town her lovely girlfriend was worried sick.

- "She called you", she stated more than asked.  
- "You bet she did", he breathed "she's worried sick about you Olivia"  
- "She shouldn't be", she responded angrily as she threw the stone she had in hand in the lake in front of them.  
- "Well as your friend, roomate and now girlfriend, she does"  
"Why don't you call her?", he offered as he pulled out his cell phone and offered it to her.  
When her eyes fell on it with pure anger in their depths, he pocketed it back in  
"Maybe later" he whispered.

For a long moment, neither spoke, both lost in thoughts. Whatever was bugging her might be huge, usually the gentle waves of the lake would ease her. But tonight it wasn't working. And he'd be damned if he let a woman he greatly appreciated in such pain.

- "Olivia, it's getting late, you'd head home"  
- "I don't feel like going home John", she breathed sadly.  
- "Why? Everything is ok, no? I mean Casey is on her way back to recovery, offically cured, and you two share a healthy love. There are worst thing to come home to, right?", he explained gently.  
- "I guess", she breathed dejected.  
- "What is it Olivia?", he queried strongly as he draped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her to him.

When she didn't pull back, he knew something was up, Olivia Benson had never been the most touching person in the world.

- "I ... I don't know ", she admitted in a low voice.  
- "Then tell me what you feel"  
- "Empty", she whispered hastly, the word spoken before she'd think about what she'd say.  
- "Olivia, it's natural", he tried to reassure her as he gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze "the last six months have been nothing close to a vacation for you or for Casey. You need time to adjust now that the storm is over"  
- "I was watching her sleep today. She seemed so calm, so rested ...", she went on as if not interrupted, a dreamy smile grazing her lips as she remembered "so at her place that ... I mean... I couldn't take it anymore... I ... had to go", she breathed, her voice breaking.  
- "Why?"  
- "I don't know", she responded angrily, wheeping her tears away  
"I've been asking myself the same question for the last hours", she admitted.  
"I don't know what's wrong with me John", she asked as teary eyes met his.  
- "Shh... nothing's wrong with you Olivia, nothing at all", he told her as he pulled her in a tight hug.  
"All this is new for you, you've been taking care of Casey nights and days for months, now that she's fine ..."  
- "Why can't I do what any man would? Joining her and cuddle her? I'm so fucked up!", she growled.

Cradling her face in his hands, he forced her to look at him

- "There is nothing wrong with Olivia Benson, nothing at all", fighting her as she tried to break free, he went on "you're a wonderful person and I'd seriously kick some ass if anyone said otherwise. You're caring, gentle, always ready to help those in need. Your actions in the last months speak for themselves, you didn't hesitate a second when Casey needed you. You were right by her side before she knew she needed you. You are a wonderful soul Olivia", he whispered as he craddled her against him, patting her hair.

- "Then why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like Casey would be better without me?", she queried as she freed herself to look straight in his eyes.

He took a second to ponder her question and his answer.

- "Because you're scared Olivia", he let that sink in before going on in a gentle voice "scared that now that she's cured she wouldn't need you anymore. And seeing her so at ease at your place hit you like a tons of bricks, made you face that Casey is indeed cured.

But let me tell you this Olivia Benson: Casey will always need you, she'd always want you in her life because what you two have now runs far deeper than anything you experienced before. She loves you Olivia, it's written in her eyes every time her eyes fell on you, every time she speaks about you, the way her body reacts when you are around, how it longs to touch you"

A gentle smile appeared on her lips as he spoke.

- "You've seen all this?", she joked.  
- "Oh yeah and so much more…but I can't divulge them here", he went on in a conspiratorial voice looking around them with a suspicious glare "we are watched"

Bursting out in laugher at his sight, she gave him a quick hug.

- "Now let's get you home, I know a lovely lady who might be tearing her hair out", he said helping her to her feet.

* * *

_Reviews' junkie, I'm a reviews' junkie!! lol_


	43. Chapter 43

Hello ..... I apologies for the lack of update but my muse has been eluding me for ages ... let's hope she won't anymore.  
As usual, many thanks to the readers and to take the time to review, that helps a lot :)

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_Olivia Benson's apartment  
__26 September - 5:32 am_

As she entered her apartment, first thing she noticed where the bags sitting by her kitchen's door.  
A hand through her hair, she sighed deeply, puzzled at the display, although she knew she was the reason behind their sudden appearance.  
Worried that Casey has already deserted the place, leaving her bags behind only to pick them up later, more that than a painful reminder, she made her way to the bedroom.

She smiled when her eyes fell on the form asleep on her bed.  
Curled up on her side, her legs drawn to her chest, Casey clearly was on her way out when she fell asleep, her coat saying that much. And her puffy eyes validated what John told her: she was worried sick by her disappearance.

Mentally kicking herself for her stupidity, she wondered how she could have thought Casey would be beter without her, away from her. True she wasn't used to have someone in her life for so long, but she although knew she wouldn't stand not having Casey in her life anymore.  
As her friend, as her lover, heck only as SVU prosecutor, whatever she was ready to offer would be better than emptiness.  
But she clearly had her preference for option 2.

Munch was right, now that Casey was "cured", she felt like she wouldn't need her anymore. Was she wrong? Munch said and believed so but only future could tell. And she was never the one to bet on what the future would hold, her past a far too much disaster. Although the past months, as difficult and tireing as they had been, had been a tad different than what she experienced before. The situation was clearly a mess but she, they, held tight and made it trough it.

So maybe, just maybe, her fears were only a consequence of her tired state, she broke down because she held on for so long.

Smiling, she circled the bed to lie down beside Casey, not daring touching her, she let sleep claim her, glad the young woman didn't wake up, she felt it was safer to explain herself, or at least try to, when both would be fully rested.

When Olivia Benson opened her eyes later that day, green eyes and a mournful smile greeted her.  
Both women were lying facing each other and Olivia could feel Casey's heat since not much distance separated them.  
Forcing a smile on her lips, she pointed at Casey's coat with a nod from her chin.

- "You were living", she stated more than asked.

Taking a moment to look down at herself, she replied in a low voice, looking everywhere but at Olivia.  
- "I thought that's what you wanted".  
- "You're wrong", she interrupted her hastly "I …. I don't want you to go anywhere Casey and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings", she whispered.  
- "You didn't", she responded defensively.

Lifting her chin with a finger, forcing Casey to meet her eyes, she nodded  
- "Yes I did and I'm sorry Casey. I shouldn't have ran like I did"  
- "You had your reasons…."  
- "Yes I did", she went on when she saw fear cross her eyes "But before we go through this, maybe you'd get ride of that coat", she added.

Standing, Casey walked to the living room without a word.

As Olivia joined her, she saw her pacing by the door, hands deep in the pockets of the coat she hadn't taken off.  
Which meant she wasn't ready, or sure, to stay.

And the fact that she wasn't looking at her wasn't a good sign either.

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_Soooo .......... what ya think?_


	44. Chapter 44

I hate writer's block !! Thanks for keeping up with this story and for the great feedback/messages. It might not look that way judging from the gap between updates but it helps a lot.  
Good news: that was the missing chapter between the finale chapters, so updates will be done faster :)

This chapter had a life on its own, it went the total opposite way I had in mind! lol  
So I'm not super happy with it. Let's see how you feel about it.....

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_Olivia Benson's appartement  
26 September - 5:32 am_

As she entered her apartment, first thing she noticed where the bags sitting by her kitchen's door.  
A hand through her hair, she sighed deeply, puzzled at the display, although she knew she was the reason behind their sudden appearance.

Worried that Casey has already deserted the place, leaving her bags behind only to pick them up later, than a painful reminder, she made her way to the bedroom.

She smiled when her eyes fell on the form asleep on her bed. Curled up on her side, hre legs drawn to her chest, Casey clearly was on her way out when she fell asleep, her coat saying that much. And her puffy eyes validated what John told her: she was worried sick by her disappearance.

Mentally kicking herself for her stupidity, she wondered how she could have thought Casey would be beter without her, away from her. True she wasn't used to have someone in her life for so long, but she although knew she wouldn't stand not having Casey in her life anymore.  
As her friend, as her lover, heck only as SVU prosecutor, whatever she was ready to offer would be better than emptiness.  
But she clearly had her preference for option 2.

Munch was right, now that Casey was "cured", she felt like she wouldn't need her anymore. Was she wrong? Munch said and believed so but only future could tell. And she was never the one to bet on what the future would hold, her past a far too much disaster. Although the past months, as difficult and tireing as they had been, had been a tad different than what she experienced before. The situation was clearly a mess but she, they, held tight and made it trough it.

So maybe, just maybe, her fears were only a consequence of her tired state, she broke down because she helf on for so long.

Smiling, she circled the bed to lie down beside Casey, not daring touching her, she let sleep claim her, glad the young woman didn't wake up, she felt it was safer to explain herself, or at least try to, when both would be fully rested.

When Olivia Benson opened her eyes later that day, green eyes and a mournful smile greeted her. Both women were lying facing each other and Olivia could feel Casey's heat since not much distance separated them. Forcing a smile on her lips, she pointed at Casey's coat with a nod from her chin.

- "You were living", she stated more than asked.

Taking a moment to look down at herself, she replied in a low voice, looking everywhere but at Olivia.

- "I thought that's what you wanted".

- "You're wrong", she interrupted her hastly "I …. I don't want you to go anywhere Casey and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings", she whispered.

- "You didn't", she responded defensively.

Lifting her chin with a finger, forcing Casey to meet her eyes, she nodded

- "Yes I did and I'm sorry Casey. I shouldn't have ran like I did"

- "You had your reasons…."

- "Yes I did", she went on when she saw fear cross her eyes "But before we go through this, maybe you'd get ride of that coat", she added.

Standing, Casey walked to the living room without a word. As Olivia joined her, she saw her pacing by the door, hands deep in the pockets of the coat she didn't take off. Which meant she wasn't ready, or sure, to stay. And the fact that she wasn't looking at her wasn't a good sign either.

Sitting on the couch, Olivia waited a few to see Casey's reaction. Minutes later, she paused by the frontdoor, resting her back against it.

For a long moment, they looked at each other, their eyes unmoving until Casey broke contact first, folding her arms and looking out the window.

Olivia shrugged, taking in her posture: as far away from her as possible, refusing any physical contact. Not that she blamed her, once more she was reminded as how thin the line they were on was, and how new all this was. To both of them….

- "I'm sorry I ran", she began, having no idea as how she'd handle this conversation. She knew everything about handling perp in interrogation room, with a plan in mind, but right now she didn't. She'd have to follow her instinct.

That caught Casey's attention who returned her gaze to her.

- "Why?" she asked not so gently.

- "I don't know", she admitted, uncertaintly in her eyes. When she saw Casey sigh, she went on. "Actually, I didn't know until a friend helped me"

- "Munch", she added for her.

- "Yes. A very clever friend", she mouthed, a smile grazing her lips remembering how he cut right to the bone through her feelings, helping her make sense of her actions.

- "So what's the big realization?", she interrogated her.

- "What realization?", she asked, taken aback by the harsh tone.

- "Olivia …. you disappear almost a day without a word and when Munch finds you, you return home and sleep like a baby …. makes me believe it must be one hell of a realization", she explained.

- "It was" she admitted "but I don't know how to explain it", she admitted, elicing an other deep sigh from Casey.

Her gaze fell on her hands, which she was rubbing furiously against each other.

She was surprised to feel Casey's soft hand lay on hers, steeling her movement. Looking up, she met her worried look, her eyes grey from fear. Reaching up, she lay a hand on her cheek, her thumb caressing the soft skin.

- "Why don't you just spill it Detective. I might still be recovering, but I think I can take the realization without big explanation", she said softly, touched by Olivia's distress. "That is if I'm allowed to", she went on sadly.

- "Of course you are sweetheart", she reassured her. "You always are", she went on softly.

Sighing deeply she gathered her courage and prayed Casey would understand and not run away. She'd have to trust her on this.

- "I thought you'd be better without me", she breathed, not daring to look in Casey's eyes. Knowing full well her word would hurt her. But again, she didn't know how to explain it to her so she might as well give her the result.

- "Did I do or say something that makes you believe that?", she querried, hurt evident in her voice.

Standing, she went to sit by Olivia's side on the couch, breaking their physical contact.

- "No, of course not. I…. I didn't know what to do… I was watching you sleep, you seemed so calm, so at ease, so unaware of anything around you … all of a sudden it was too much … I had to go"

- "I'd have understood months back Olivia, but I admit, I'm a bit lost", she said softly.

- "Munch says I need to adjust …"

- " … adjust to what?"

- "to you not needing me anymore. To you being healthy. To you being able to do things on your own. To you not needing me to…"

- "Olivia Benson", Casey interrupted her with a finger on her lips "that's the dumbest thing you ever said!"

Turning her head towards her, she met Casey's amused, yet unsure, smile.

- "I didn't know you dated to play nurse", she joked. "I had no idea your fantasms went to sick and terminally ill people", she added.

- "I do not!", she countered angrily. "how dare you say that?", she added, ready to jump on her feet.

- "Well seems logical no?", she pushed gently "I mean you stay with me when I'm sick, even enter into a relationship when my health is at its worst, hold me in your arms when feverish … then I'm declared cured, you bolt out of bed … makes me wonder Detective"

- "That's bullshit", Olivia accused her, her eyes sparkling.

Rising to her feet, she went to the kitchen, slamming her fist against the fridge.

Reaching her in a couple short strides, Casey Novak laid a hand on her shoulder, making her turn around and face her.

- "I couldn't agree more Olivia Benson.", she said smiling.

Grabbing Olivia now throbbing fist, she cradled it between her hands, kissing each knuckle gently. Minutes later she brought it to lay palm flat over her heart, covering it with her own.

- "Because I'll always need you Detective. I'll always want you near me, I'll always need your support no matter what happens", she added, searching Olivia's eyes. "Feel that heart beat below your hand? It'd long be gone if it wasn't for you. And I'm thankful for that. Every single day I remember that day you forced me to face my demons, to make me realize that life was worth it, that it mattered to someone if I died. And when we admitted our feelings, you promised me two things", she paused, making sure she had Olivia's attention. "First was that you weren't pitying me. That you loved me … no that you were in love with me." She let that sink in before going on "Second was that you wouldn't let our past come between us, that you'd fight for us, for our future. Didn't you mean them?", she querried.

- "Of course I did', Olivia responded, lowering her eyes.

- "Then I don't understand why you got sidetracked that way Liv. Nothing has changed … at least for me, being cured hasn't changed my feelings for you. I'll always need you, I'll always long for your arms when falling asleep, I'll always like the way your hands caress my cheek whenever I'm crying, the way they wash away my feverish tears. Because to be honest …. you were barely out of your place that my hand was searching yours", she admitted sofltly.

Resting her forehead against Olivia's, she smiled and added "See, nothing to be afraid of".

They stood that way a long moment until she felt Olivia's hands circle her waist and her face nestle in her neck murmuring, "I don't want to loose you".

- "You won't" she reassured her gently "but no more running away, ok?"

She felt Olivia's tears on her skin before she faced her

- "What did I do to deserve someone like you?" she queried softly.

- "You saved my life", Casey answered honestly "but that's not the only reason I'm in love with you" she added sensing Olivia ready to pull away.

- "Aren't you mad at me?"

- "Honestly? … I was mad as hell Liv, believe me when I say that I was ready to give you a piece of my mind"

- "What made you change your mind?"

- "Who said I did?" she joked but went on seriously a second later "let's say that I can't stay mad at you long", she admitted cocking her head to the side, observing Liv.

- "Good to know"

- "Yeah … but promise me not to do that often …. I was scared like hell"

- "I can't … I can't promise I won't Case", Olivia admitted tearfully

- "Then promise me no more running away before we talk", Case offered gently.

- "I'll try", Liv added after some thinking.

- "That's all I'm asking. Just remember that it takes two to make a couple work", Casey told her gently before settling their conversation with a soft kiss on Liv's lips.

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So ....... :D .....


	45. Chapter 45

Here is the next chapter ... see told you you wouldn't have to wait that long to get an update! lol  
Only two chapters left ....... don't hesitate to read and review! thankssssssssssssssss

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_A resort somewhere on the caribean sea  
12 October – 7:15 pm_

As she exited the bathroom, Olivia spotted Casey by the picture window. She was standing there, clad in worn out denim jeans, pale pink v-neck t-shirt, barefeet, looking at the beach, arms crossed, her forehead resting against the glass. She couldn't miss her rigid posture.

Reaching her side, she laid her hands on her shoulders squeezing gently. A soft sigh left Casey's lips as she backed just enough to rest her body fully against Olivia's. Reaching up, she guided Olivia's arms around her waist, her hands coming to rest over the older woman's.

Hugging her just a little tighter, Olivia rested her chin on Casey's shoulder.

They stood in companion silence, looking at the silky sea before Olivia broke the silence in a soft whisper.

-"You ready for dinner?"

-"Just a moment. Do you mind?"  
- "Of course not. You okay?"  
- "Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry."  
- "But?"  
- "Nothing, really. Guess I just need some time to...realize."  
- "Realize what sweetie?"  
- "That all of this is real. That the nightmare is finally over."  
- "But it is, it is over, you are cured and healthy Casey"  
- "And it's all because of you."  
- "It is not"  
- "Oh yes it is Olivia, all this is your doing. You know when you made me that promise, to get me through this, that in six months we'd celebrating on a deserted sunny beach, I didn't really believe you. I followed you blindly because I trusted you, but deep down I was resigned to die."  
- "There is no way I'd have let you die Casey, not without one hell of a fight. I know how hard those past months have been for you Casey, and I'm so damn happy that you made me keep my promise. You went throught it all Casey and this is the least I could do"  
- "I never thought you would", she admitted shyly.  
- "I would what?", she asked before she understood the meaning of Casey's words "You mean celebrating your recovery?"  
- "No, that you would celebrate it here, with me, alone"  
- "Hey that's what we decided remember? That once this would be over, we'd celebrate just the two of us and see if those feelings were still intact. To give us time to explore them"  
- "A sex vacation?", she breathing, beating her lower lip.

All of a sudden, Olivia understood the true meaning behind Casey's words, she wasn't shy about their vacation, she was unsure of their true meaning: that it'd be centred only on the feelings they promised to explore once Casey would have recovered fully.

She couldn't blame her, she was kind of nervous herself.

- "Casey, when we decided for this vacation, it was, and still is, as a celebration. To go away from the city, for you to rest as long as necessary after those past months. As for the rest, well I can only speak for myself, but I haven't changed my mind Casey, I want to go beyond our friendship. We felt and want more. But we'll make those vacations what you want them to be: if the feelings part is a little too rushed, then we'll keep it aside. No big deal"  
- "I want to but I don't want to disappoint you"  
- "And how would you do that? You never did in the past 8 months Casey, it won't happen"  
- "But still, what if …"  
- "Casey stop, we are here to celebrate your recovery. Leave it to Mother Nature to handle the rest. If along the way we feel like getting more 'intimate' then we will. I don't plan on ravish you nights and days while we are here", she joked, not really liking the way this conversation was heading. She couldn't let Casey focus her first vacation in over a year on her fears of them getting physically involved. That clearly wasn't the first aim of this.  
- "Ok. I'm sorry to be such a pain Olivia, it's just that…"  
- "Casey let me get this straight: you are not a pain, you are just as equally scared as I am, that's all. We will just wait and see, ok?", she said, hoping to close the uneasy conversation.

Hugging Casey even tighter, she began rocking them slowly from side to side, letting the warm breeze coming from the beach envelop them.

- "You know, if you don't want to go out, we can order room service."  
- "I...no I can't ask you that, it's your vacation as much as mine Olivia. It wouldn't be fair."  
- "Casey, we had a long day trip, we can visit the resort's restaurant for breakfast. I would feel better just relaxing in here tonight."  
- "Are you sure?", she inquired turning in the safety of Olivia's arms.  
- "Positive", she replied with a nod.

She was thanked by a bear hug that nearly took her breath away.

But she returned it as forceful, delighted to see the younger woman back to be the strong and smiling Casey Novak. She had missed her.  
- "Besides i have an other idea.", she whispered huskily in Casey's ear.

Steeping back so she'd look into brown eyes, Casey shot her a quizzical look.

- "And what would it be?"  
- "A surprise."  
- "Ohh is that what took you so long at the lobby?", her eyebrowns arching in a playful way.  
- "Aw and I thought you didn't notice"  
- "I notice when the deskboy's eyes roms all over my girlfriend's body"  
- "Did he? I was not really paying attention. Guess a certain beautiful red hair waiting for me distracted me", they tried not to beam at each other's choice of words: "_girlfriend_"? "_beautiful_"?

Grabbing their room's keys, Olivia extended her hand to the red hair, who took it with an intrigued smile.

- "Follow me?", asked Olivia.  
- "To the end of the world", replied Casey truthfully.  
- "That we already did sweetheart"

Confident that she was doing the right thing, Olivia led Casey around the resort's main building where laid the swimming pool.

It was deserted at this hour, the rare tourists gathering around dinner.  
But she had secured it by having the swimming pool gate closed from 7 pm.

Once they reached it, she was pleased with the result.

The resort had followed her every instructions: the pool's external lights were off; it was lit only by the stars and the moon above, and tens and tens of photophores scattered around.

The water was green, the exact same colour as the sea it overlooked. This resort held the particularity to fill their swimming pool and all water activities with sea water. That's one of the reasons why she chose it. The prospect of smelling chlorine not really appealing.

Next to her, she heard Casey's breath catch in her throat as she slipped her hand in hers, squeezing not so softly. Then she snaked her arm around her waist as she nestled up to her, her head leaning on Olivia's shoulder.

- "It's beautiful", she commented, kissing Olivia's cheek Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them back. She had shed enough tears those past months. Now was the time to celebrate.  
- "You like?"  
- "How could I not?", she breathed before noticing Olivia's reddened cheeks.

If she was having trouble believing all this, looked like Olivia wasn't all that confident herself.

The idea reassured her, they would be fine. There was nothing to fear in this trip, only good to expect.

On impulse, she stood in front of Olivia, holding her hazel's look.  
- "Didn't know you were such a romantic Detective", she whispered, batting her eyelids sexily.  
-"You know someone has to do something about electric's consummation", she dead-panned, very much aware of Casey's proximity.  
- "Hu ho, I'm not buying it Olivia, you are a helpless romantic, and for you to know, I love it".

Feeling way too much exposed, Olivia decided to take actions. Grabbing Casey's hand, she kissed its back before leading her to the table dressed nearby.

It was rather a light meal but the French champagne was absolutely delicious, a 1996 vintage. The date didn't hold any particular meaning, but Olivia had read somewhere that it was the best year actually available on the market. She didn't regret following the advice.

The dinner went smoothly, their conversation, after six months rehearsal, easy. They talked about everything except the last months and their respective jobs. If anything, most of it was a promise of what the future could be.  
Olivia learnt how Casey became such a great softball batter (thanks to her three brothers), and Casey discovered Olivia's sense of humour all over again. The same that considerably eased her mind those past months. Too bad she didn't show it more at work; she'd challenge Munch's without effort.

After dinner, they settled to watch tv in their room, not really feeling like joining the other guests dancing around the bar.

Guess they had enough noises and people surrounding them those past months to feel slightly agoraphobic.

They watched reruns of old shows, laughing out loud at Sonny Crocket's haircut and pastel clothes; not the little bit scared by the members of the Foundation fighting demons in Poltergeist, the Legacy.

But they certainly noticed the beautiful landscape and took mental notes to set up a trip to Vancouver, where the show was shot, in a near future. That added to the growing list of places they planed to visit together: North Irland, France, Cyprus, Corsica, Egypt; they might as well buy a camping car and move in it!

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	46. Chapter 46

Okay folks ..... here is the next chapter ... let's see what you think about it :)  
Thanks to all readers and a huge hug to those who took time to review, you wouldn't believe how much that means :)

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_A resort somewhere on the caribean sea__  
15 October – 5:45 pm_

After their romantic dinner, the atmosphere was much lighter between them. Their talk had considerably eased their minds, especially Casey's who stopped focusing on what this vacation was all about, and just enjoyed the comfortable resort, the sun and Olivia's closeness.

She had taken it for granted all those months and she enjoyed it even more now that it wasn't necessary. Olivia was here with her because she wanted to, not as her support.

They'd spent most of their time on the private beach and Casey thought Olivia enjoyed way too much applying sun cream to her body, making sure she wouldn't be burnt by the sun.  
After all, she spent most of the last months indoors, her body needed to get reacquainted with the sun.

Olivia felt euphoric: she was having a great time here and never felt so close to Casey.  
Lying on a deckchair, she observed the younger woman who was sitting by the sea, only her feet in the water.  
She was so damned beautiful and sexy with her hair back to its natural red shade, the sun bringing out her freckles. Head tilted back, her hands planted in the sand behind her; she was looking up at the sunny sky with a goofy smile.  
The scars bearing her body were receding. Her surgeon did a great job with them: in two years or so, he promised they'd have turned white and almost invisible.  
She was glad Casey didn't seem to focus on them. God knew she had a couple herself and she wasn't particularly eager to expose them. Although she knew Casey must have seen them along the countless nights they shared the same bed.

They still did and she was glad Casey didn't put any distance between them at night. They kept sharing the same bed, Olivia usually spooning Casey, hugging her as close as humanly possible.  
But in the morning, when they were watching the rise of the sun, Casey prefered to lay snuggled up to Olivia who lied on her back, Casey's head resting on her belly, their legs entwinned.

Olivia had never been more proud of anyone in her life: not only did Casey fight the disease and support the agressive treatments. But she although forgave her father and his behavior years back.  
It was so wonderful to see them all gathered around a table at her father's home. Casey, her father, her three brothers and families.

Casey didn't know it yet but she went to visit him a couple times to ask him if he'd consider accepting her in the family.  
Given the history with his daughter, she doubted he had any right to refuse but she wanted to do it the right way for Casey's sake.  
Sure he was surprised at first but he knew Olivia's feelings for Casey were strong and sincere. Just like Casey's to Olivia.  
Seemed like she opened up a little to her older brother about her growing attraction towards Olivia. She feared they wouldn't understand but found only support in him, which had been a good starting point to let them know about them. If there ever would be a "them".  
Either way, Olivia had a special gift hidden deep down her luggage, now in the resort's safe.  
She couldn't imagine her life without Casey; she couldn't imagine them apart for more than two minutes. She couldn't imagine them as anything else than a happy couple madly in love.

Grinning, Olivia stood noiselessly and approached Casey from behind.  
When she was a couple feet away, she pounced on her, growling, effectively surprising her.  
They rolled on the sand and water, tickling, giggling and screaming until they couldn't breathe anymore, tears running down their cheeks.

"Geez, life never felt so right" they both thought.

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So what do you say ... should I post the final chapter ?? *grin*


	47. Chapter 47

Okayyy I'm feeling sappy and so desperate for reviews so I'm posting the last three chapters today! lol  
Read, review, enjoy, hate .... just let me know :)

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_A resort somewhere on the caribean sea  
17 October – 10:23 am_

They had been up early that morning, watching sunrise over the sea from their room's terrace. From sitting on the steps with Casey's head laying on Olivia's lap, they had moved to Casey cuddling up to Olivia, sitting on her lap, her head nestled in the crook of her neck.

The long gone sunrise wasn't really their first preoccupation any more; lost in thought, they enjoyed the growing heat around them and the tight closeness.

Olivia's hand slipped under Casey's oversized emerald t-shirt, drawing lousy circles on her lower back.

When she was sick from the treatments, it helped Casey feel better.  
But today it was more claiming possession of the red hair's body than anything. And her didn't pulling away was a rather good sign.

- "A penny for your thoughts", she whispered hoarsely, grinning when she felt the shivers it sent up the young woman's spine.  
- "Hmm", she whispered back, settling her body even more against Olivia's warm hand.  
- "2 pennies?"  
- "Feeling adventurous Detective?", she joked not looking up, it felt too damn good to be cuddled in Olivia's arms.  
- "Adventure is not exactly what I had in mind Counselor", she teased, her other hand moving from Casey's thigh to slid under her top, resting on her hip.  
- "Think I'm worth 2 pennies Detective? Maybe you should reconsider your offer", she admitted shyly.  
- "Why would I want to do that?", she asked, not missing the serious and somewhat desperate tone in Casey's voice.

Looking up into brown concerned eyes, Casey searched for the right words before going on:  
- "I'm not exactly good looking, the scars, and...", she was silenced by two long fingers on her lips.

Smiling, Olivia interrupted her babbling.

- "Didn't we go through this already? You are beautiful Casey Novak and what you went through lately won't make me love you any less. I love you Casey, and a couple down pounds or scars can't change that. Besides _you_ should have second thoughts, I'm sure there are plenty of hot young babes who would kill to date you".  
- "But none of them could ever compare to you Olivia. I've never been attracted to any woman but you", she admitted blushing.  
- "No fear of cheating then", she joked.  
- "Not a chance", biting the inside of her cheek, she hesitated before voicing her fears. She didn't want to kill the romantic mood but it was Olivia and they decided 6 months ago to always be frank towards each other. Noone else could make her feel this way. "I...I love you Olivia but this scares me. I'm scared that I won't be able to..."  
- "…act on it?", Olivia finished for her, her hand moved to Casey's cheek, caressing it, a fond smile grazing her lips.

Casey could only nod, leaning in Olivia's hand, her eyes closed.

- "Would you feel any better if I told you I have the exact same fears?"  
- "You?", Casey's eyes shot open, she was beyond surprised. Olivia was her hero, a knight in shining armor afraid of nothing. Not of any perp, not of confronting her own father, not of making her face her demons and fight for her life.  
- "Yes Casey. Me. I'm afraid I won't make you happy, that I won't know how to show you how much I love you. It's all new for me too. But there is noone else that ever made me feel so happy, so cared for. So I know that together we'll discover this and make it right.", she explained, kissing Casey's hand gently.  
- "You make me happy Olivia; you have no idea how much. Being with you, here, makes me want to smile, laugh, scream and run into the safety of your arms. All at the same time. God I love you Olivia", she whispered leaning closer to Olivia.

She studied her beautiful lover a long moment before taking the final step.

Their first kiss was soft, caring, so tender and light both women thought they imagined it. But from the look they discovered in each other's eyes when they pulled back, no doubt that all this wasn't a dream, apprehension slowly replaced by lust and hunger in their depths.

Rising, Casey pulled Olivia to her feet. Their lips met again for long kisses, getting hungrier and eager. A promise of what the future will hold.  
When they parted to catch some air, they stood facing each other, panting, arms locked around each other's waist, a dreamy toothy smile grazing equally fiery cheeks and swollen lips.

Pulling at Olivia's sleeve, Casey led her to the bedroom. Standing at the foot of the bed, she grabbed the hem of her top when Olivia stopped her with a gentle hand on her forearm.

- "Let me", she whispered huskily as she guided Casey to lie down on the bed.  
- "Make love to me Olivia, make me forget everything before us", she purred before moving to nibble on her earlobe, her hands resting on Olivia's lower back, holding her close.

Gazing down at the beautiful woman laying beneath her, brushing the silky skin of her exposed ribcage with shaky fingers, wondering once more how she could be so damn lucky, Olivia did just that…

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So what do you think ...


	48. Chapter 48

Third chapter today ... and it settles this fic .... which I'm moving to the 'complete' status!  
A huge thank you to every reader and a bear hug to every reviewer, you guys/girls, rock! Many reviews touched me and I like to read them often, although I'm not sure I deserve such praise, but well ... somes do really touch me :D  
A special thank you to CNovak929 for giving me the nudge I needed to keep posting when I didn't trust this fic was worth it.

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_A resort somewhere on the caribean sea  
17 October – 06:41 pm_

Looking up in the mirror, Olivia Benson couldn't help but grin at the reflection it displayed: Casey Novak was sprawled in the middle of the bed, an arm spread wide, the other's hand resting on her belly with the hugest smile she had ever seen grace her delicate features.  
Her body was flushed from head to toe, and no sheet was concealing it from her hungry eyes.  
In one word, she was luscious, ready to be devoured.

Glancing up in the mirror, she traced the edge of the hickey in her neck, her smile only growing larger. She didn't know Casey was a biter but she liked the sense of possessiveness it conveyed.  
Casey Novak branded her as her very own property. And she liked it.  
As independent as she used to be, as much as she once loved her freedom, she could see herself sleeping by Casey's side for the rest of their lives.  
She was looking for it with an envy she never felt before.  
An envy she knew she would never feel again.

From the bedroom, Casey Novak was slowly coming down the heights Olivia Benson sent her to. Now that her heart had slowed to a more reasonable beat, she was coming back to her senses.

Flexing her fingers, she encountered the soft sheet of the bed instead of the warm body of her lover. Now that she thought about it, she could hear water running nearby. Surely coming from the bathroom.

If possible, her smile grew larger at that… "lover", Olivia Benson was her lover. And now she wondered how she could have hesitated to take that final step between them. Now that they crossed that last bridge, she knew there was no turning back. They would be lovers; they would stay together for the rest of their lives. Consequences be damned, they'd never lessen the benefits of having this wonderful, passionate woman in her life. Her skin, her lips, her body, her tender kisses, her eyes, everything was hers. She'll wake up a lifetime in her arms. Loving her, caring for her.

Beside her, the mattress dipped, signalling the return of Olivia by her side.  
Turning her head towards her, Casey smiled but didn't have enough strength to open her eyes. Olivia's chuckles rang right next to her ear, before she felt her snuggle up to her, throwing her arms around her waist, and a leg over hers.

The young woman thought briefly she should close her arm around Olivia's shoulder but she somehow knew she wouldn't have the strength to do that.

- "You melted my bones", she stated slowly, happy to see that she was able to speak, although her voice sounded harsh to her ears.  
- "That bad?", Olivia enquired, watching Casey intently, repressing a laugh.  
- "That good yes… and you're going to pay for it…dearly", Casey warned her "if I can ever move again", she added grinning.  
- "Oh"  
- "Which is not going to happen before…the next century", she added after a pause. She might be able to speak but she certainly had trouble building complete sentences.

When she opened an eye, she met those of Olivia who was looking up at her with an amused smile.

- "Glad to hear that I'm safe for now", Olivia grinned.  
- "Making fun on me Detective?"  
- "I wouldn't dare Counselor", she replied, a hand over her heart.  
"Over her naked breast", Casey thought, suddenly very short of breath again.  
- "You'd better… I'd kick your ass"  
- "Ohhhh….kinky", Olivia purred as she sat, shifting until she was covering her lover, rubbing her lower body suggestively against hers, holding Casey's look.  
- "Livvvvvvvv…", Casey whispered through clenched teeth "you trying to kill me?"  
- "Hmmm… not really what I had in mind", she breathed, her heart melting at the effect she had on her lover.  
- "Well that's certainly what's going to happen if you keep that up", she warned her jokingly.

A second later, Olivia planted a long kiss on her lips. Snuggling back to her side, she laced their fingers before resting their joined hands on her lover's belly.  
Briefly, the image of joined hands, each with a gold wedding ring resting over a pregnant belly imposed itself to her mind. Smiling, deciding it was them in that image, she took it as a presage, before shaking the image away, getting back to the present.

- "You rest now then…"  
- "then….", Casey queried, a delicate eyebrow arched.  
- "Let's say that I changed my mind… ravishing you nights and days is definitively on my schedule", she smiled suggestively.  
- "Oh boy", Casey exclaimed, bursting out laughing.  
- "Boy? Errrr you're mistaking me with someone else here Counselor"  
- "I am not Detective", Casey purred as she nudged Liv until she was lying on her back, then snuggled up to her, reversing their position "that's an expression sweetheart"  
- "Right", Olivia nodded, faking deep thoughts "the thing where you use your mouth", she teased.  
- "Hmmm right, mouth...", Casey purred, matching Olivia's serious tone.  
- "And I thought you were tired..."  
- "I am but there is no law saying I can't daydream, right?"  
- "That's right. Besides you weren't left behind", she chuckled.  
- "What do you mean?"

When Olivia didn't respond, she looked up as Olivia was caressing the hickey in her neck.

- "I did this?", she wondered out loud, clasping a hand over her mouth.  
- "Yup", she nodded proudly.  
- "That's not funny Olivia", she blushed, hiding her face in Olivia's neck  
- "Yes it is", Olivia smiled, finding Casey's shyness cute.  
- "I don't give hickeys", Casey protested strongly.  
- "Well it's a first then. Not that I mind. It says I'm yours..", she smiled fondly.

It wasn't before long that they fell into a much needed and exhausted sleep.

THE END …

_They lived happily ever after._

_Three months later, they got married during a ceremony held in North Vancouver, the patio from Chez Michel, a French restaurant, surrounded by their families and friends. Even Elliot was there, they had worked their differences with Olivia, much to Casey's happiness. He was back to form a happy family with Kathleen and the kids.  
Twins Cameron and Cassandra, with the same alabaster skin as their biological mother, Casey Novak Benson, were born months later._

_A beautiful wife, two marvellous kids, a wonderful step-family, Olivia Benson had the family she thought she never deserved._

_But that's an other story..._

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I officially declare this fic complete ... phew without your comments/reviews it'd never been that long ... I hope you like it.


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